By Mo Macsai-Goren
PACIFIC PALISADES, CA – Vape Giant JUUL® sparked outrage Sunday evening as CEO Kevin Burns unveiled the company’s newest flavor at their highly-anticipated 2019 product launch event at their Pacific Palisades headquarters.
The standing-room-only auditorium fell silent as Burns unveiled “coal” as the newest available flavor of JUUL Pods®. Tech bloggers, eighth graders, and your one cool aunt looked on in horror as the e-cig hegemon scrambled to justify his avant-garde new direction for JUUL®.
“People give us a lot of grief for intentionally marketing our completely safe, scorching-hot nicotine salt vapor products to these groups. I can assure you that our new Glycerin-based inhalant syrup flavor is safe to consume for everyone. Don’t let something like your profession, your age, your gender, your ethnicity or your certain chance of horrific lung polyps stop you from doing what you love.”
Almost immediately, JUUL faced legal action.
Before Burns concluded his speech, JUUL was sued by 21 different groups claiming that his new flavor is nothing but a thinly-veneered ploy to market a public health threat to vulnerable demographics. Groups ranging from nonprofits like “The JUUL Mine” to NATO’s Vape Control Committee (VCC) expressed their outrage at JUULs blatant attempt to advertise their products directly towards miners.
“This is completely fucked, bro,” 11-year old JUULing prodigy Korey Harris said as he filed a lawsuit of his own. “People my age don’t want to inhale coal, we want to inhale a sharp nightmare mist that tastes like a combination of cleaning solution and hot breath.”
Harris and three of his classmates immediately set up a GoFundMe page to raise enough money to stockpile child-friendly flavors like mint, cool cucumber, and mango before JUUL begins transitioning into more adult, oddly-industrial flavors like coal, cement, insulation, and steel shavings.
JUUL’s stock is expected to drop 8% when the market reopens Monday morning.