By Mo Macsai-Goren
PORTLAND – Announcing that today’s moon transit will cause an intense negative shift in her worldview, the personalized astrology app Co-Star woke up Lauren Carmichael, 24, to tell her how her exactly how awful her day would be.
According to her roommate, this is a daily occurrence for Carmichael. The popular app sends her a hyper-personalized, passive-aggressive message at dawn to remind her that her day will either be good or bad depending on her astrological chart. Carmichael expressed her mixed feelings about the app to Gatekeeper reporters after finding out that her day was essentially over before 9 a.m.
“On one hand, it’s nice not to have to choose if I’m going to have a good day or a bad day,” Carmichael said. “On the other, I miss my autonomy.”
Although Co-Star destroyed Carmichael’s confidence within three minutes of waking up, the app also provided some daily words of wisdom and encouragement. The app encouraged her to “keep your chin up despite the adversity we just created” and to “download Co-Star premium for only $14.99/month.” Co-Star premium features “all the same features as the regular app but allows users to have their lives predetermined for them ad-free.”
Sources close to Carmichael said she briefly subscribed to the premium service but simply could not put up with the onslaught of devastating notifications. She had, however, commended the life-determining service on being ad-free.