Guy Almost Starts Thinking About Writing Pilot

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the clock struck 12:30 p.m., Philip Garsh completed his fifth hour sitting in front of his laptop at the dining room table.

Initially, he didn’t know how he wanted to spend his day — only that he was searching for fulfillment in some way or another. 

Fulfillment that has become increasingly scarce for many people in recent weeks.

Philip has explored many options — he did a 100-piece puzzle and baked a piece of rancid bread just last week.

“I can feel like this incredibly genius idea on the tip of my tongue,” said Philip Garsh, a 23-year-old servant at WME. 

“Like, what if there was a version of ‘Friends’ where God adds the main character as a friend on Facebook or something?”

After being informed that ‘God Friended Me’ premiered just last year, Philip returned to his bedroom and resumed his free trial of the Aaron Sorkin Masterclass on screenwriting.

Area Man Just Can’t Take Death of Succulent Right Now

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the country enters either day 7,8 or 9 of what has essentially become a nationwide quarantine, things are turning dire in the Sculpin household.

As his shelves sat empty and his toilet paper supply dwindled, little Marty Sculpin sat with his head in his hands, unsure of how he was going to force himself through another 20-minute episode of ‘Love Island.’ That was five minutes before he lost his most prized possession.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Marty Sculpin, speaking from the fetal position, “what with the stock market and airlines being in so much trouble.”

Sculpin, speaking there just seconds after the loss of his pride and joy, was referring to the succulent he purchased at the farmer’s market two weeks ago.

Experts say it’s a miracle the plant made it this long.

“To be frank, the conditions Marty Sculpin is living in are not fit for a human being, let alone a succulent,” said Dr. Vertigo Polongo, plant expert, “Although it is sad we just can’t say we’re surprised.”

Jared was 2 weeks old.