Liberal Arts College Football Coach Doused In Kombucha After Big Game

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PORTLAND – Head football coach Darwin McKay took an unexpected bath in tangy, fermented kombucha Saturday as the Reed College Griffins were crowned Pacific Northwest Division III champions.

After defeating the Lewis & Clark College Pioneers 42-3 in the division championship game, the Griffins will head to the Doc Marten Leather Sole Bowl later this year in Oberlin, Ohio where they will face off against Western Washington University.

“We wanted to give coach a proper football celebration to say thanks,” Linebacker Daniel O’Cyrus said as he received his commemorative championship stick-n-poke tattoo. “Coach is really the reason we’re here. Plus, who knows when we’re going to win another game.”

“Coach is the best and deserves to be celebrated,” Quarterback Geoff Trunke said. “He’s the only member of the coaching staff who lets us listen to Elliot Smith during practice. Really pumps us up.”

McKay, now in his fourth year with the team, was only briefly able to celebrate his greatest athletic achievement to date before the massive SCOBY plummeted out of the Gatorade cooler and knocked him out cold.

More to come.