Jury Adds Drumroll

By Mo Macsai-Goren

“Now that drab, crushing silence before a group of strangers potentially alters the course of your life forever will be permeated by rhythmic hi-hats, bouncing polka beats, or a 26-minute recording of Drums/Space from the Grateful Dead’s 9/20/90 show.”

Ash Wednesday Once Again Proves There Are More of Them Than You Think

By David Colton

WEALTHY SUBURBS — As Fat Tuesday comes to a close and the city of New Orleans tries to give up the two lives lost at this weekend’s Mardi Gras festivities for lent, it’s time for everybody’s favorite religious group to remind you they exist.

That’s right, it’s Ash Wednesday! The one day of the year when people go to church on Wednesday and still make you feel bad for not going. 

Keep your eyes peeled for a massive, slow-walking group of sad-looking whites, potentially chanting as they advance toward city hall.

“I like putting the ash on my head because it reminds everyone of the persecution of our people,” said Timmy O’Boyle, whose parents spend more money on Notre Dame football tickets than their kids’ education.

Little Timmy isn’t alone either. Millions of Catholics across the country will today receive the sacred smudge from a priest that has been transferred to their church.

“The purpose of the cross smudge is, above all else, to indicate that you are different,” said Christopher Reilly, a single 34-year-old who teaches judgment and privilege to a roomful of children every week.

It’s easy to get swept into the joyous festivities, but make sure to take caution when approaching  a group of 25+.

Spotify Wrapped Really Not Letting You Forget Breakup

By David Colton

YOUR PAST — Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas lights are up, winter coats are on and it’s time to reflect on the challenges you failed to overcome in 2019.

As they do around this date every year, Spotify has released their annual “Year Wrapped” collection of data from your year of listening.

Once again, it’s painfully clear that the majority of time you spent listening to music was curled up into a ball in the corner of your studio apartment, crying into your AirPods case.

When you initially visited the site, you were looking forward to seeing your 2019 favorites like Lizzo, Post Malone and Billie Eilish.

Instead, you were met with a harsh wake-up call to the tune of the Boygenius EP. He didn’t even like Lucy Daucus, so it was sort of empowering to listen to right when the breakup happened, but over time it just made you sad.

It’s also obvious that he still shares your Spotify. I mean, unless you listened to 34 hours of Metallica. Don’t worry — even though everyone is sharing their fun, happy listening history and your #2 is that Sarah McLachlan dead animals song, nobody will reach out when you post that cry-for-help of a list.
You can rest assured that everyone cares far more about you seeing their list than anything actually having to do with you.