“Much like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Donald Trump took to nature to process his 2020 election loss on an early-morning jaunt through the sulfuric chasm of the damned. Sources close to the President revealed he is relocating to the underworld permanently after Biden’s inauguration.”
Category: National
National Nightmare Over Just in Time for Series of Other National Nightmares
“The race was called just in time for the country to achieve record highs in coronavirus infections, natural disasters and police violence. Please, for the love of god, make it stop.”
Early Exit Polls Suggest Everything Still Absolutely Fucked
“Issues among voters in key battleground states today reportedly include inescapable, ever-worsening climate disasters, record-breaking voter suppression, increasing COVID cases every day, and an unfortunate reminder that Lil Pump is alive and well. Time to put your phone down.”
Kamala Harris Preparing 216,277 Talking Points Ahead of Tonight’s Debate
“Meanwhile, Vice President Pence has been preparing by doing literally nothing as countless Americans continue to die.”
Coronavirus Tests Positive for Stephen Miller
“Symptoms of Stephen Miller include coughing, losing all of your skin, sweating pus, and pushing a Nazi agenda.”
10 Children’s Puzzles That Take Longer Than Police Academy
Opinion: The Only Blue Lives That Matter are The Blue Man Group’s and They Fucking Hate the Cops
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Imminent Threat to Society Given Badge, Gun, Free Reign
Kid Who Got Paid in Trident Layers Files for Bankruptcy
“Unless they do a major digital strategy overhaul in the next few months I’ll be in the red for the rest of my life,” said Mikey, age 6. “And I’m not talking about strawberry citrus.”
World Health Organization Turns Attention to Summer Production of Tommy
“The decision to transition from coronavirus containment to rock opera production came straight from President Trump, who has no control over the WHO. WHO Director-General Dr. Tedros Ghebreyesus is slated to star in the titular role.”