Real news. Kind of.
“Much like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Donald Trump took to nature to process his 2020 election loss on an early-morning jaunt through the sulfuric chasm of the damned. Sources close to the President revealed he is relocating to the underworld permanently after Biden’s inauguration.”
“The race was called just in time for the country to achieve record highs in coronavirus infections, natural disasters and police violence. Please, for the love of god, make it stop.”
“Issues among voters in key battleground states today reportedly include inescapable, ever-worsening climate disasters, record-breaking voter suppression, increasing COVID cases every day, and an unfortunate reminder that Lil Pump is alive and well. Time to put your phone down.”
“Meanwhile, Vice President Pence has been preparing by doing literally nothing as countless Americans continue to die.”
“Symptoms of Stephen Miller include coughing, losing all of your skin, sweating pus, and pushing a Nazi agenda.”
By Mo Macsai-Goren
“Unless they do a major digital strategy overhaul in the next few months I’ll be in the red for the rest of my life,” said Mikey, age 6. “And I’m not talking about strawberry citrus.”
“The decision to transition from coronavirus containment to rock opera production came straight from President Trump, who has no control over the WHO. WHO Director-General Dr. Tedros Ghebreyesus is slated to star in the titular role.”
The Gatekeeper 