Jury Adds Drumroll

By Mo Macsai-Goren

“Now that drab, crushing silence before a group of strangers potentially alters the course of your life forever will be permeated by rhythmic hi-hats, bouncing polka beats, or a 26-minute recording of Drums/Space from the Grateful Dead’s 9/20/90 show.”

Ash Wednesday Once Again Proves There Are More of Them Than You Think

By David Colton

WEALTHY SUBURBS — As Fat Tuesday comes to a close and the city of New Orleans tries to give up the two lives lost at this weekend’s Mardi Gras festivities for lent, it’s time for everybody’s favorite religious group to remind you they exist.

That’s right, it’s Ash Wednesday! The one day of the year when people go to church on Wednesday and still make you feel bad for not going. 

Keep your eyes peeled for a massive, slow-walking group of sad-looking whites, potentially chanting as they advance toward city hall.

“I like putting the ash on my head because it reminds everyone of the persecution of our people,” said Timmy O’Boyle, whose parents spend more money on Notre Dame football tickets than their kids’ education.

Little Timmy isn’t alone either. Millions of Catholics across the country will today receive the sacred smudge from a priest that has been transferred to their church.

“The purpose of the cross smudge is, above all else, to indicate that you are different,” said Christopher Reilly, a single 34-year-old who teaches judgment and privilege to a roomful of children every week.

It’s easy to get swept into the joyous festivities, but make sure to take caution when approaching  a group of 25+.

Spotify Wrapped Really Not Letting You Forget Breakup

By David Colton

YOUR PAST — Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas lights are up, winter coats are on and it’s time to reflect on the challenges you failed to overcome in 2019.

As they do around this date every year, Spotify has released their annual “Year Wrapped” collection of data from your year of listening.

Once again, it’s painfully clear that the majority of time you spent listening to music was curled up into a ball in the corner of your studio apartment, crying into your AirPods case.

When you initially visited the site, you were looking forward to seeing your 2019 favorites like Lizzo, Post Malone and Billie Eilish.

Instead, you were met with a harsh wake-up call to the tune of the Boygenius EP. He didn’t even like Lucy Daucus, so it was sort of empowering to listen to right when the breakup happened, but over time it just made you sad.

It’s also obvious that he still shares your Spotify. I mean, unless you listened to 34 hours of Metallica. Don’t worry — even though everyone is sharing their fun, happy listening history and your #2 is that Sarah McLachlan dead animals song, nobody will reach out when you post that cry-for-help of a list.
You can rest assured that everyone cares far more about you seeing their list than anything actually having to do with you.

Study Finds Millennials Prefer Platonic Friends with Platonic Benefits

By Ben Gaspin

NEW YORK – A study out of Columbia University found that people ages 18-34 are nearly twice as likely to want friends to just fucking show up on time rather than have casual sex with them, an increase of 152% as compared to a similar study from 1981. Whereas the Boomer generation really just wanted their hot friends to sleep with them consequence-free, Millennials overwhelmingly prefer someone who will come to their improv show, even if it’s in Brooklyn.

Twenty-six-year-old Ruthie Jain thinks the difference goes deeper than just the fact that all these hot dads around now were probably just as hot as twenty-somethings, and who wouldn’t want to get with that? “Listen,” she said. “There’s always competition. If I get that job, maybe James won’t, so he can’t waste time hanging out with me because that means less time for him to spend staring at his resume making small grammatical tweaks. All I really need right now are friends to get lunch with. Sex is the last thing on my mind.”

That isn’t to say that Millennials dislike sex. Far from it. Sex positivity has gone from counterculture to culture, with some of the biggest young celebrities in the world proclaiming their love for lovemaking. Just last week, “Stranger Things’” Joe Keery revealed to the world that he “fucks, like, on the daily. I’m Steve Harrington, bitch.”

But sex is no longer enough to satisfy the young, supple body. Not even juice cleanses and crippling anxiety can make most Millennials feel anything anymore. For that, young people simply need someone to ironically (not so ironically) watch reality television with. More and more, young people are starting to realize that the real casual sex was the friends they made along the way.

Abolish Bryce: That Guy Sucks

By Scottie Pzeskryzwcsk

SAN DIEGO – Hundreds of protesters convened in front of the University of California San Diego’s reflecting pool early Wednesday morning to protest the ongoing presence of Bryce McMahon, 19, on the undergraduate campus. These massive demonstrations come on the heels of the administration’s decision to allow McMahon to remain enrolled at UCSD despite being a massive tool. Members of the faculty have brought McMahon’s behavior to the attention of the administration at the request of a group of anonymous students who could not stand listening to McMahon talk about Jordan Belfort anymore. Thom Jorgensen, McMahon’s resident advisor, suggested expelling the third-year sophomore outright after he openly became a campus ambassador for Total Frat Move and admitted his love for the Entourage Movie in one of his many protein-powder-fueled fugue states. Although the protests have progressively gotten larger and more impassioned, there have still been no indications from the UCSD administration that they will indeed abolish Bryce.