Snoops the Basset Hound Named Chief Detective of Dog City

By David Colton

DOG CITY HALL — Last night, canine voters in the dog city cast crucial votes in a runoff special election to determine who will be the next top law enforcement officer in the county.

The election was heated until the very last moments of Thursday night’s debate, when former Dog City Councilman Snoops the Basset hound pointedly attacked his competitor, Holden the Golden Retreiver.

The following is a direct quote from one of last night’s most crucial moments:

“Bark bark bark (My friend, colleague and competitor Dr. Retriever); bark, bark (Has fundamentally misrepresented his interests and goals); Bark, bark bark (to the good citizens of Dog City, and dog county at large.) Bark. (Know that when you cast your votes tonight, you have the opportunity to do so in the name of justice. That is all I ask of you. Thank you.)”

With that impassioned speech, Snoops tipped the scales just enough in his favor to gain the terrier vote — the most moderate voting demographic in Dog County.

The following is what the new chief detective’s publicist said about the victory via e-mail:

            Fuoiag parg;hgwjrorg apergyap fakriguhi[[arjigkwrkjhj ds

\gu39gk’  WRLGAUInj ahrg;nlgMkiv dskjghhi;gaor;gjnlk.kjq3/jgk.qr

(Once we received exit polling results for the terrier district, we were sure this would be a victory for Mr. Snoops and Dog City at large.)

Quiz: You’re Multilingual Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Can You Learn Your Torah Portion By Saturday?

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Uh oh! You, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, completely forgot to learn your Torah portion and your bar mitzvah is this Saturday! Can you memorize the whole thing before you step up onto the bimah?

Beto O’Rourke Didn’t See You at His Gig Last Night

By David Colton

RANDY’S TAVERN — Even after delaying his set by 25 minutes and stopping the show several times in between Elliott Smith covers, Beto said after the show he was “like, majorly bummed” he didn’t see you in the crowd.

O’Rourke, who recently declared his candidacy for president, is best known for doing a poor job of riding a skateboard around a Whataburger parking lot in dress clothes.

None of this changes the fact that he planned a very specific set list because he thought you’d actually give a shit enough to show.

“What? You think I just decided to play mostly originals for no reason?” said Beto, who has never actually written any of his own songs.

“I un-learned six Phish songs for you.”

Although it is not clear why the former non-senator had to unlearn songs to include originals in his set, we figured we’d be better off just staying out of his way and let him sing other people’s songs.

“I’m not sure where we’ll be at for our next show, but I’m also not sure I want to tell you anymore,” Beto said, taking a long drag of his hand-rolled cigarette.

“I mean, what would be the point? You clearly don’t even think about me ever.”

Beto has threatened to suspend his presidential campaign to work on his latest mixtape for you, but probably won’t until you stop responding to his texts.

Outraged Joe Biden Threatens to Kick Own Ass in Locker Room

By David Colton

DEKALB YMCA — Following a tumultuous week leading up to a potential announcement about his candidacy for president, former Vice President Joe Biden decided that Monday after school he’d teach himself a lesson.

The former VP famously threatened to “beat the hell” out of President Trump for the president’s politically inconsequential ‘grab her by the pussy’ comment, and said he is threatening self-inflicted violence in order to hold himself to the same standard.

“I just hope the American voter base holds me to the same standard they hold the President by voting for me anyway,” said Biden, who hired “octagon girls” for the interpersonal battle.

Now, Biden, contemplating a presidential run, is under fire for really fucking weird behavior toward a former Nevada legislator, also happens to be an outspoken supporter of It’s On Us, where he is said to have recently introduced controversial shampoo-oriented curriculum.

He said he won’t hold back against himself this afternoon, when he plans to corner Joe after weekly badminton practice.

“I think the American people deserve a president who doesn’t compromise on something like this,” said Biden, who has recently spoken about systemic racism but also spoke in favor of segregation in 1975.

John Bolton Unmasked As Rogue Jeff Foxworthy

By David Colton

WASHINGTON — It turns out the National Security Adviser of the United States is not, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader.

“I know John, John is a good guy,” said President Donald Trump, enjoying a dinner of goldfish and fruit snacks. “Jeff is a good guy, you know, he’s a good guy. That’s what I said. Jeff is a good guy. That’s why I hired him in the first place, for that job.”

It appears the President is attempting to pass off the situation as if he hired former Golden Corral spokesman Jeff Foxworthy for the prestigious White House position on purpose.

“Well, you know, this whole thang is just a big ole doozy,” said Foxworthy, who had previously given no reason for appointing 12 charismatic ten-year-olds as National Security Aides.

“I just think we should all kick back, drink a couple mimosas and throw on some Tucker.”

It really seems like nobody is going to do anything about Jeff Foxworthy working in the White House.

“I think he’s a good guy, you know. He’s got a ton of experience with children, and I hear he works especially well with Hispanics,” said President Trump, sitting in an adult-sized high chair five inches from the television screen.

Jeff Foxworthy will resume talks with North Korea Monday as his “true self.” He said he plans to treat North Korean official Kim Yong Chol to a dinner of Ruby Tuesday’s, with dessert in the candy aisle of the neighboring Big Lots!

Chuck Schumer Delicately Places Contacts ¾ Of The Way Down Eyelids

By David Colton

CAPITOL HILL— Trying to showcase his ambitious, flirty side, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer decided Friday it was time to break with years of tradition.

Schumer, in the presence of a small crowd of awestruck librarians, gently undid the padlocks and removed the signature wire-rimmed glasses from his Nose Divot (patent pending).

Then, after returning his oculars to their Fuschsia velvet sheath, Schumer did the unthinkable.

He reached into his briefcase, extracted two loose contact lenses, and scampered off to the Minority Bathroom. It is unclear when the restrooms were labeled.

When he returned, he was almost unrecognizable.

Except, that is, for the signature eyewear placement that has given Schumer his shot at the big leagues.

The condescending 67-year-old made it abundantly clear that he still intended to glare disappointedly at colleagues over the rim of his contact lenses, which now lie perched ¾ of the way down his lids.

It remains unclear whether the glasses were uncomfortable for Sen. Schumer. Although, I suppose they probably were, since he took them off. But actually, the outer-eye contacts don’t look super comfortable either. I wonder if you could make glasses by threading fishing line through small holes in the contact lens. It’d probably be a little uncomfortable, but you could totally be wearing glasses and nobody would know. Except for the person who helped you make the glasses, because I assume it’s probably a two-person job.

Who are we talking about again?

Gary Johnson sleeps through alarm

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson started Election Day off in classic Gary Johnson style: by sleeping through his alarm.

Candidate Johnson held a press conference as he hastily put on his pants and made one brief statement to the media.

“Oh man, oh man. That was today?”

The Johnson campaign has declined further questions.