By Mo Macsai-Goren
By David Colton
DEKALB YMCA — Following a tumultuous week leading up to a potential announcement about his candidacy for president, former Vice President Joe Biden decided that Monday after school he’d teach himself a lesson.
The former VP famously threatened to “beat the hell” out of President Trump for the president’s politically inconsequential ‘grab her by the pussy’ comment, and said he is threatening self-inflicted violence in order to hold himself to the same standard.
“I just hope the American voter base holds me to the same standard they hold the President by voting for me anyway,” said Biden, who hired “octagon girls” for the interpersonal battle.
Now, Biden, contemplating a presidential run, is under fire for really fucking weird behavior toward a former Nevada legislator, also happens to be an outspoken supporter of It’s On Us, where he is said to have recently introduced controversial shampoo-oriented curriculum.
He said he won’t hold back against himself this afternoon, when he plans to corner Joe after weekly badminton practice.
“I think the American people deserve a president who doesn’t compromise on something like this,” said Biden, who has recently spoken about systemic racism but also spoke in favor of segregation in 1975.
By David Colton
WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.
“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”
Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.
“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”
Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.
Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.
“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson started Election Day off in classic Gary Johnson style: by sleeping through his alarm.
Candidate Johnson held a press conference as he hastily put on his pants and made one brief statement to the media.
“Oh man, oh man. That was today?”
The Johnson campaign has declined further questions.
By David Colton
AMERICA, DAMN IT – In a recent survey across the country, studies determined that a questionable amount of red states have family restaurant and obesity perpetuator Long John Silvers listed as their polling places.
“It’s actually really convenient, because Tuesdays they have Fish Stick Frenzy,” explains voter and serious Paula Deen advocate Faith Destiny, “They just deep fry the ballot right there into the fish!”
Unsurprisingly, this has increased voter turnout tenfold in Minnesota and Wisconsin, among many other confused states.
Reports also showed an increase in Starbucks as polling places in blue states, where voters are given a free vest upon entry.
“Honestly, thank god they still serve the pumpkin spice latte even after Halloween is over,” explains drama student and turtleneck connesoure Philip Willoughby, “It makes it quite easy to choose who I’m voting for while convincing myself and everyone else I’m getting work done on my laptop.”
Both polling places are also handing out free bus tickets to Canada, as well as several pamphlets on space travel.
By David Colton
WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.
“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”
Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.
“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”
Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.
“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”
No information was gained from this interview.
By David Colton and Peter Leipold
#1: The “Raise the Roof”
#2: The “Phallic Measurement”
#3: The “Wise Guy”
#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”
#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”
by Garrett Dvorkin
Washington – Big news coming out of the presidential race today as Hillary Clinton (Democrat) and Donald Trump (Wall Enthusiast) have decided to cancel traditional debates. In a recent poll, college students repeatedly said while on their iPhones “Id rather sit through helping my fucking grandparents set up their computer, then watch that shit.” As the recent primary debates deteriorated into mindless banter and personal attacks, party officials decided change was needed.
The debate will take place on September 18th, when both candidates will be playing from their respective basements. CNN’s Wolff Blitzer will be on Xbox Live asking the candidates questions through their Turtle Beach headphones. Per Trump’s request, there will be no policy or platform questions. Instead, the candidates will be asked questions asked by the public like “What is you favorite flavor of Doritos?” and “How great is snapchat?” even though the last question isn’t really a question.
We had planned to interview a political analyst for the debate, but instead we asked CallofDuty4Life.com president Graham Duncan. When asked about potential styles each candidate may deploy, Duncan suggested “I see Hillary as more of a camper. She is going to stay somewhere high in the map with a safe assault rifle. I definitely see Trump as a noob tuber. That combined with an RPG will make his playing style very similar to his personality.”
The debate will be live broadcasted via Youtube with host’Ray William Johnson’.