Presidential Debate to finally advance to quickscoping round


by Garrett Dvorkin

Washington – Big news coming out of the presidential race today as Hillary Clinton (Democrat) and Donald Trump (Wall Enthusiast) have decided to cancel traditional debates. In a recent poll, college students repeatedly said while on their iPhones  “Id rather sit through helping my fucking grandparents set up their computer, then watch that shit.” As the recent primary debates deteriorated into mindless banter and personal attacks, party officials decided change was needed.

The debate will take place on September 18th, when both candidates will be playing from their respective basements. CNN’s Wolff Blitzer will be on Xbox Live asking the candidates questions through their Turtle Beach headphones. Per Trump’s request, there will be no policy or platform questions. donald-trump-mario-hatInstead, the candidates will be asked questions asked by the public like “What is you favorite flavor of Doritos?” and “How great is snapchat?”  even though the last question isn’t really a question.

We had planned to interview a political analyst for the debate, but instead we asked president Graham Duncan. When asked about potential styles each candidate may deploy, Duncan suggested “I see Hillary as more of a camper. She is going to stay somewhere high in the map with a safe assault rifle. I definitely see Trump as a noob tuber. That combined with an RPG will make his playing style very similar to his personality.”

The debate will be live broadcasted via Youtube with host’Ray William Johnson’.

Babysitter in all-velvet Ed Hardy outfit takes children to Rogers Park


By David Colton

CHICAGO – This past week, suburban parents Gerald & Judith Enron took to Craigslist to find a babysitter, and had no trouble finding someone reputable.

Her name is Natalya, she has dyed black hair, and smells vaguely like a combination of perfume, cigarettes, and  Glade car freshener.

“When we saw her craigslist profile, we knew immediately that she was the one,” explains Gerald, “I’m not sure if it was the lower-back tattoo or scotch-taped on nails, but something about her just made me feel safe.”

After about a week of service from Natalya, the Enrons were more than impressed.

“I knew she could be trusted,” states Judith, “the way she takes our kids with her to do her laundry in Rogers Park is just so admirable.”

Natalya, 34, is a freshman at North Side Community College and says she wants to study “hair or makeup, or be a trophy wife.” Natalya says nannying is really just a side project while she finishes her parole term for child endangerment and negligence.