Real news. Kind of.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson started Election Day off in classic Gary Johnson style: by sleeping through his alarm.
Candidate Johnson held a press conference as he hastily put on his pants and made one brief statement to the media.
“Oh man, oh man. That was today?”
The Johnson campaign has declined further questions.
by Garrett Dvorkin
PIERRE, SD. – Clinton secured a surprise victory in “the Mount Rushmore state” as cows flocked to the polls to cast their votes for Clinton. South Dakota, a state whose human population was given a 96.7% chance by FiveThirtyEight.com, was completely outnumbered at the polls. The cows were given the right to vote July 18th when young Matthew Clark was “mayor of the day”.
South Dakota is one of nine states which cow population is greater than its human population. There are 844,877 humans in South Dakota, and over 3.6million cattle. In exit polls, 87.3% of the cattle cast their vote for Clinton, the other 12.3% voted for Gary Johnson due to his stance of the legalization of pot. Most of the fringe cow voters were turned away by Trump’s blatantly racism stances and sexist sentiment. One cow was interviewed saying “Trump called Hillary a cow, we took that as a sign for us cows to go to the polls.”
Clinton, who wasn’t aware of the cattle vote oversight, was very appreciative in their exercising their right to vote, she was quoted:
“Well, it’s nice to know that we have hope in states like Wyoming and Montana, these states were thought to be too conservative to save, but with an cattle equality amendment, these states could become progressive.”
In response, trump immediately responded on twitter, firing back that “Crooked Hillary really did it this time, these cattle all are rapists and murders. This election was rigged #BultThatWall #LockHerUp”. Trump is encouraging the FBI to investigate the issue.
By David Colton
AMERICA, DAMN IT – In a recent survey across the country, studies determined that a questionable amount of red states have family restaurant and obesity perpetuator Long John Silvers listed as their polling places.
“It’s actually really convenient, because Tuesdays they have Fish Stick Frenzy,” explains voter and serious Paula Deen advocate Faith Destiny, “They just deep fry the ballot right there into the fish!”
Unsurprisingly, this has increased voter turnout tenfold in Minnesota and Wisconsin, among many other confused states.
Reports also showed an increase in Starbucks as polling places in blue states, where voters are given a free vest upon entry.
“Honestly, thank god they still serve the pumpkin spice latte even after Halloween is over,” explains drama student and turtleneck connesoure Philip Willoughby, “It makes it quite easy to choose who I’m voting for while convincing myself and everyone else I’m getting work done on my laptop.”
Both polling places are also handing out free bus tickets to Canada, as well as several pamphlets on space travel.
By David Colton
WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.
“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”
Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.
“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”
Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.
“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”
No information was gained from this interview.
by Garrett Dvorkin
Washington – Big news coming out of the presidential race today as Hillary Clinton (Democrat) and Donald Trump (Wall Enthusiast) have decided to cancel traditional debates. In a recent poll, college students repeatedly said while on their iPhones “Id rather sit through helping my fucking grandparents set up their computer, then watch that shit.” As the recent primary debates deteriorated into mindless banter and personal attacks, party officials decided change was needed.
The debate will take place on September 18th, when both candidates will be playing from their respective basements. CNN’s Wolff Blitzer will be on Xbox Live asking the candidates questions through their Turtle Beach headphones. Per Trump’s request, there will be no policy or platform questions. 
Instead, the candidates will be asked questions asked by the public like “What is you favorite flavor of Doritos?” and “How great is snapchat?” even though the last question isn’t really a question.
We had planned to interview a political analyst for the debate, but instead we asked CallofDuty4Life.com president Graham Duncan. When asked about potential styles each candidate may deploy, Duncan suggested “I see Hillary as more of a camper. She is going to stay somewhere high in the map with a safe assault rifle. I definitely see Trump as a noob tuber. That combined with an RPG will make his playing style very similar to his personality.”
The debate will be live broadcasted via Youtube with host’Ray William Johnson’.
The Gatekeeper 