By David Colton
WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.
“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”
Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.
“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”
Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.
“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”
No information was gained from this interview.
by Garrett Dvorkin
Washington – Big news coming out of the presidential race today as Hillary Clinton (Democrat) and Donald Trump (Wall Enthusiast) have decided to cancel traditional debates. In a recent poll, college students repeatedly said while on their iPhones “Id rather sit through helping my fucking grandparents set up their computer, then watch that shit.” As the recent primary debates deteriorated into mindless banter and personal attacks, party officials decided change was needed.
The debate will take place on September 18th, when both candidates will be playing from their respective basements. CNN’s Wolff Blitzer will be on Xbox Live asking the candidates questions through their Turtle Beach headphones. Per Trump’s request, there will be no policy or platform questions. Instead, the candidates will be asked questions asked by the public like “What is you favorite flavor of Doritos?” and “How great is snapchat?” even though the last question isn’t really a question.
We had planned to interview a political analyst for the debate, but instead we asked CallofDuty4Life.com president Graham Duncan. When asked about potential styles each candidate may deploy, Duncan suggested “I see Hillary as more of a camper. She is going to stay somewhere high in the map with a safe assault rifle. I definitely see Trump as a noob tuber. That combined with an RPG will make his playing style very similar to his personality.”
The debate will be live broadcasted via Youtube with host’Ray William Johnson’.