Guy Almost Starts Thinking About Writing Pilot

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the clock struck 12:30 p.m., Philip Garsh completed his fifth hour sitting in front of his laptop at the dining room table.

Initially, he didn’t know how he wanted to spend his day — only that he was searching for fulfillment in some way or another. 

Fulfillment that has become increasingly scarce for many people in recent weeks.

Philip has explored many options — he did a 100-piece puzzle and baked a piece of rancid bread just last week.

“I can feel like this incredibly genius idea on the tip of my tongue,” said Philip Garsh, a 23-year-old servant at WME. 

“Like, what if there was a version of ‘Friends’ where God adds the main character as a friend on Facebook or something?”

After being informed that ‘God Friended Me’ premiered just last year, Philip returned to his bedroom and resumed his free trial of the Aaron Sorkin Masterclass on screenwriting.

Area Man Just Can’t Take Death of Succulent Right Now

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the country enters either day 7,8 or 9 of what has essentially become a nationwide quarantine, things are turning dire in the Sculpin household.

As his shelves sat empty and his toilet paper supply dwindled, little Marty Sculpin sat with his head in his hands, unsure of how he was going to force himself through another 20-minute episode of ‘Love Island.’ That was five minutes before he lost his most prized possession.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Marty Sculpin, speaking from the fetal position, “what with the stock market and airlines being in so much trouble.”

Sculpin, speaking there just seconds after the loss of his pride and joy, was referring to the succulent he purchased at the farmer’s market two weeks ago.

Experts say it’s a miracle the plant made it this long.

“To be frank, the conditions Marty Sculpin is living in are not fit for a human being, let alone a succulent,” said Dr. Vertigo Polongo, plant expert, “Although it is sad we just can’t say we’re surprised.”

Jared was 2 weeks old.

Making It Onto Instagram Close Friends List Closest Thing Man Has To Thrill

By Mo Macsai-Goren

YOUR PHONE – Sparking joy in what would otherwise be yet another inevitable loss to the slow, unstoppable march of time, Area man Gregory Lippes successfully made it onto his acquaintance Kevin’s ‘Close Friends’ list on Instagram. Kevin, a longtime coworker and assumed friend of Lippes’, had only just updated the list to include a whole slew of new friends the hour before in a decision that would, unbeknownst to Kevin, make Gregory’s entire year. After three months of unemployment spent sitting quietly in the dark, Lippes went on record to say that making it onto Kevin’s list is kind of the only thing he has going for himself right now. In an interview conducted at 3PM at the Long John Silver’s where Lippes is unfortunately a regular, he said that he felt what could only be described as genuine human emotion for the first time in weeks after the initial thrill of finding out he was added to Kevin’s ‘Close Friends’ list. Although Lippes expressed that his case might have been an isolated anomaly, Gatekeeper reader polls suggest that every single Instagram user is only capable of experiencing excitement and joy if stimulated by likes or upon finding out they were added to a ‘Close Friends’ list of someone they sort of kind of know.

Hitchhiker by State Penitentiary Looks Like a Nice Guy

By David Colton

MESA, AZ — When Cynthia and Geraldo Tinklebody initially embarked on their journey across the state of Arizona, they didn’t think anything could slow them down.

After all, they were attempting to set the world record for longest mobile foreplay.

However, their romance on wheels took a sharp turn when the couple approached the state prison.

“Cynthia always gets prison sweats when we get in the vicinity,” said Geraldo Tinklebody, in between full handfuls of Haribo Starmix, “But it was Stephen’s round face and square glasses that really caught our eye.”

Apparently the pair has an eye for nice, wholesome men, according to a pamphlet they made me take.

“Oh, Stephen had those ‘Puppy Dog-Who-At-One-Time-Committed-A-String-Of-Felonies-And-Evaded-Authorities-For-Nearly-Two-Years Eyes,” said Cynthia Tinklebody, who donned a “Dogfighters for Trump” shirt.

“That thumb was stickin’ up like it belonged there — I knew in that moment that he was a good man.”

Cynthia apparently didn’t have to do much persuading when it came to Geraldo, who is a prolific member of the Dogfighters for Trump Facebook group.

The pickup happened directly next to a “do not pick up hitchhikers” sign — a message Geraldo said has more to it than meets the eye.

“Those disgusting signs were placed by MSNBC around this great country, and it sickens me to see people drive past those brave men every day,” said Geraldo, who has vowed to travel the country and pick up every prisonside rideseeker he sees.

Flu Shot Given Without Chaser

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Disappointment overcame Greg Holmes early Monday morning after the 19-year-old found out that the complimentary shots being given out by the Student Health Center did not come with a chaser. Holmes admitted he was perplexed as he walked back with Nancy, the lovely Nurse Practitioner to receive what he though would be a little midday pick-me-up. “She told me she was getting the alcohol Swab, which I’ve never tried, but it sounds tight,” he said as Nancy rolled up his sleeve for some reason. “Hopefully I get Fireball. It’s dope that our school does this for us.” Upon being swabbed and immediately impaled by some sort of long, pump-like device, Holmes began to doubt he was going to get fucked up at the health center at all. “I’m not sure about this,” he said. “They haven’t offered me a chaser or anything, either. Also, that shit hurt.” Holmes’ queries were squashed by the Minions-themed band-aid that he could not stop talking about for the rest of the day.

Sex Playlist Also Lobby Playlist

By Mo Macsai-Goren

The Lobby – Shoppers and Employees alike were shocked to find “Wet The Bed” by Usher being broadcast to the entire atrium of 2038 Randolph St. as early as 7:00 in the morning. Followed with “Slow Motion” and then “Climax,” management’s new playlist turned heads as people made their way into work. Logan Piedmont, the building manager who clearly got laid last night, was seen smugly nodding his head as he made him morning rounds.

“This playlist has changed everything,” Piedmont said to workers as he beamed with a soft smile not unlike the first sunshine after a lengthy winter. “I figured it was time to spice things up in the lobby. I feel alive for the first time in my entire life.”

Dewey Nasel, Piedmont’s longtime partner, was not quite as enthused by the sudden change in ambiance.

“I think he somehow got his playlists confused and is too proud to admit that he was wrong,” Nasel said. “Last night he played “Non-Intrusive Marimba Concerto #3″ in bed and claimed to love every second of it.”

And love it he did. In a private interview session scored by SZA, Piedmont went into graphic, medically inaccurate detail about what ambient lobby music does to his stinky little body.

Ultimately, Piedmont continued to smugly play sex playlist staples like Rihanna, The Weeknd, and Art Garfunkel’s solo work until the building emptied at the end of the workday.

Man Buys Disposable Camera In Case He Never Wants to See Pictures From Vacation

By Mo Macsai-Goren

BOISE, ID – Ensuring that he would never see the washed out, triple-exposure pictures from his most recent road trip through Yellowstone, local river raft instructor Brett Cyders made sure to pick up a disposable camera or two before leaving town. Sources close to Cyders have expressed their disappointment with the 29-year-old full-time camp counselor, claiming that he has never once developed the film from the countless cameras he has picked up over the years.

Cancun. Ft. Lauderdale. Minneapolis. Lithuania. These are just a few of the places Cyders has immortalized on film and then immediately forgotten about because he refuses to get a digital camera.

Family weddings? Birthdays? When that guy at the resort puts a lizard on you and then asks for money for a picture of you with his lizard? All lifelong milestones that will disappear with Cyders. The only solution? Develop the rolls and rolls of film sitting hidden under the milk crate full of tapestries he keeps sitting shotgun in his RV.

“You just can’t beat the warmth and grain of film. It’s just not the same,” Cyders said. “I took Photo 1 like, eight years ago in college and it’s just stuck with me since. I can’t go back to digital. It’s an artistic nightmare.”

Cyders then added that he is on his fifth consecutive gap year but plans on taking Photo 2 as soon as he gets back to campus.

Nervous About Popping the Question?! Here Are 5 Fun Ways to Ask Him to Share His Location Indefinitely

By Stacey Torkelson

Taking your relationship to the next level can be intimidating, but there’s no more intimate moment than when your man agrees to share his his exact geographic coordinates with you at all times. Just like moving in together or getting a dog, adjusting your boyfriend’s location settings to alert you whenever he leaves work can be a telltale step to a healthy, happy forever. With these five ideas in tow, you can creatively coax your partner towards “Share Indefinitely.”

Take Him to Bonnaroo.

You might have to sit through three Phish sets, but there’s no denying the logic in having his location shared with you for the duration of the trip as he will inevitably take too many shrooms and get lost. 

Learn Mandarin, change his language settings to Mandarin, and then offer to help fix it.

If Bonnaroo tickets are too expensive, there are thousands of online videos teaching basic Mandarin. With a few weeks of dedication and an Academy Award nominated performance offering help to solve an issue you’ve incited, you can have his coordinates in no time. 

Orchestrate and execute a TED Talk about other couples you’re friends with who share locations.

“Mckenzie has Aaron’s location so that she can surprise him with food and stuff at his place all the time. Also they’re like, really happy…”

Record and replicate his finger prints.

If you know where he keeps his toothbrush, you’re already halfway there. Order a children’s spy kit from Amazon or invest in a hot glue gun and you’ll be on your way to his latitudinal and longitudinal location at any hour of the day.

Say please.

Not for the faint of heart, this idea requires the most risk and effort. If all of the previous options fail, your last resort can be politely asking him to please share his location with you indefinitely. No, not for any reason :))

Busker Giving Away Guitar Case Full of Money, Apparently

By David Colton

UNION SQUARE — Some charity work is just too good-natured to believe.

Among the hustle and bustle of Union Square Monday morning, a man leaned stoically against the wall outside of Duane Reade.

The flannel-clad man had a guitar slung around his shoulder and strummed it softly as he crooned a slightly incorrect rendition of “Closing Time.” But that was only half of his gesture.

In front of him lay an open guitar case littered with dollar bills — a gift with grassroots support. Presumably, the charitable act is like a quest of sorts, with the $12-18 as the crown prize.

“Dude, this guy sounds just like Dan Wilson,” said Daxon Bringham, a passerby who apparently knows all of the members of Semisonic by name.

It appears that the mysterious philanthropist is taking some sort of phone call — perhaps to discuss further charitable endeavors on the streets of New York.

It’s almost 5, which means this guitar case has probably been sitting here untouched basically all day, gathering dust.

I think I’d better take it off his hands so that he doesn’t go home feeling guilty at the end of the day that nobody accepted his charity.

Oh boy, maybe I’ll go to the movies!

What a kind man.