Local – The Gatekeeper

Dead Pet Excited to Live on Forever as Password

August 14, 2020August 14, 2020Posted in LocalTagged death, dog, Netflix, password, pet, sadLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Mourning the loss of their beloved dog Coco, the Taylor family decided to immortalize their recently-deceased pet Saturday night by changing their Netflix password to “Coco123.”

“We’ll miss Coco dearly,” Jonathan Taylor said. “But at least now we’ll be able to remember her whenever we log into Netflix, or at least until we get around to using the ‘Remember Me’ function.”

Despite the Taylor family’s tragic loss, Coco expressed posthumous excitement to Gatekeeper reporters (via Andrew Iris Yoint, professional canine medium) that she will be able to live on forever in password form.

“Coco is relaying…enthusiasm…” Yoint said through his cacophonous pinky ring ensemble. “She wants you to know how pleased she is with your decision to commemorate her with her very own password until everyone inevitably forgets it and you change it to your address. She also wants you to know that I take credit cards.”

The Taylor family expressed profound gratitude for Yoint’s services and have already begun their search for their next password inspiration down at the local kennel.

Job Posted 800 Weeks Ago Apparently Still Available

May 31, 2020Posted in LocalLeave a comment

“I was excited to apply for this opportunity until I saw the job posting was uploaded in May 2004. But at this point, I’ll take what I can.”

New Therapist Already Lied To

May 31, 2020May 31, 2020Posted in LocalLeave a comment

By David Colton

“I’ve been doing a pretty good job of staying positive”

Hermit Crab Officials Institute Shelter On-The-Go Order

May 31, 2020Posted in Local, NationalLeave a comment

By David Colton

“Although some may see this as an extreme decision to be made at the federal level, we believe that prioritizing our species can transcend the political turmoil and economic trouble facing our great nation.”

Guy Almost Starts Thinking About Writing Pilot

March 30, 2020Posted in LocalLeave a comment

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the clock struck 12:30 p.m., Philip Garsh completed his fifth hour sitting in front of his laptop at the dining room table.

Initially, he didn’t know how he wanted to spend his day — only that he was searching for fulfillment in some way or another.

Fulfillment that has become increasingly scarce for many people in recent weeks.

Philip has explored many options — he did a 100-piece puzzle and baked a piece of rancid bread just last week.

“I can feel like this incredibly genius idea on the tip of my tongue,” said Philip Garsh, a 23-year-old servant at WME.

“Like, what if there was a version of ‘Friends’ where God adds the main character as a friend on Facebook or something?”

After being informed that ‘God Friended Me’ premiered just last year, Philip returned to his bedroom and resumed his free trial of the Aaron Sorkin Masterclass on screenwriting.

Area Man Just Can’t Take Death of Succulent Right Now

March 23, 2020Posted in LocalTagged comedy, coronavirus, funny, lockdown, quarantine, satireLeave a comment

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the country enters either day 7,8 or 9 of what has essentially become a nationwide quarantine, things are turning dire in the Sculpin household.

As his shelves sat empty and his toilet paper supply dwindled, little Marty Sculpin sat with his head in his hands, unsure of how he was going to force himself through another 20-minute episode of ‘Love Island.’ That was five minutes before he lost his most prized possession.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Marty Sculpin, speaking from the fetal position, “what with the stock market and airlines being in so much trouble.”

Sculpin, speaking there just seconds after the loss of his pride and joy, was referring to the succulent he purchased at the farmer’s market two weeks ago.

Experts say it’s a miracle the plant made it this long.

“To be frank, the conditions Marty Sculpin is living in are not fit for a human being, let alone a succulent,” said Dr. Vertigo Polongo, plant expert, “Although it is sad we just can’t say we’re surprised.”

Jared was 2 weeks old.

Making It Onto Instagram Close Friends List Closest Thing Man Has To Thrill

January 3, 2020January 3, 2020Posted in LocalLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

YOUR PHONE – Sparking joy in what would otherwise be yet another inevitable loss to the slow, unstoppable march of time, Area man Gregory Lippes successfully made it onto his acquaintance Kevin’s ‘Close Friends’ list on Instagram. Kevin, a longtime coworker and assumed friend of Lippes’, had only just updated the list to include a whole slew of new friends the hour before in a decision that would, unbeknownst to Kevin, make Gregory’s entire year. After three months of unemployment spent sitting quietly in the dark, Lippes went on record to say that making it onto Kevin’s list is kind of the only thing he has going for himself right now. In an interview conducted at 3PM at the Long John Silver’s where Lippes is unfortunately a regular, he said that he felt what could only be described as genuine human emotion for the first time in weeks after the initial thrill of finding out he was added to Kevin’s ‘Close Friends’ list. Although Lippes expressed that his case might have been an isolated anomaly, Gatekeeper reader polls suggest that every single Instagram user is only capable of experiencing excitement and joy if stimulated by likes or upon finding out they were added to a ‘Close Friends’ list of someone they sort of kind of know.

Hitchhiker by State Penitentiary Looks Like a Nice Guy

October 29, 2019Posted in LocalTagged drive, drives, Driving, jail, Prison, truckerLeave a comment

By David Colton

MESA, AZ — When Cynthia and Geraldo Tinklebody initially embarked on their journey across the state of Arizona, they didn’t think anything could slow them down.

After all, they were attempting to set the world record for longest mobile foreplay.

However, their romance on wheels took a sharp turn when the couple approached the state prison.

“Cynthia always gets prison sweats when we get in the vicinity,” said Geraldo Tinklebody, in between full handfuls of Haribo Starmix, “But it was Stephen’s round face and square glasses that really caught our eye.”

Apparently the pair has an eye for nice, wholesome men, according to a pamphlet they made me take.

“Oh, Stephen had those ‘Puppy Dog-Who-At-One-Time-Committed-A-String-Of-Felonies-And-Evaded-Authorities-For-Nearly-Two-Years Eyes,” said Cynthia Tinklebody, who donned a “Dogfighters for Trump” shirt.

“That thumb was stickin’ up like it belonged there — I knew in that moment that he was a good man.”

Cynthia apparently didn’t have to do much persuading when it came to Geraldo, who is a prolific member of the Dogfighters for Trump Facebook group.

The pickup happened directly next to a “do not pick up hitchhikers” sign — a message Geraldo said has more to it than meets the eye.

“Those disgusting signs were placed by MSNBC around this great country, and it sickens me to see people drive past those brave men every day,” said Geraldo, who has vowed to travel the country and pick up every prisonside rideseeker he sees.

Flu Shot Given Without Chaser

October 28, 2019October 28, 2019Posted in LocalLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Disappointment overcame Greg Holmes early Monday morning after the 19-year-old found out that the complimentary shots being given out by the Student Health Center did not come with a chaser. Holmes admitted he was perplexed as he walked back with Nancy, the lovely Nurse Practitioner to receive what he though would be a little midday pick-me-up. “She told me she was getting the alcohol Swab, which I’ve never tried, but it sounds tight,” he said as Nancy rolled up his sleeve for some reason. “Hopefully I get Fireball. It’s dope that our school does this for us.” Upon being swabbed and immediately impaled by some sort of long, pump-like device, Holmes began to doubt he was going to get fucked up at the health center at all. “I’m not sure about this,” he said. “They haven’t offered me a chaser or anything, either. Also, that shit hurt.” Holmes’ queries were squashed by the Minions-themed band-aid that he could not stop talking about for the rest of the day.

Sex Playlist Also Lobby Playlist

October 24, 2019Posted in LocalLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

The Lobby – Shoppers and Employees alike were shocked to find “Wet The Bed” by Usher being broadcast to the entire atrium of 2038 Randolph St. as early as 7:00 in the morning. Followed with “Slow Motion” and then “Climax,” management’s new playlist turned heads as people made their way into work. Logan Piedmont, the building manager who clearly got laid last night, was seen smugly nodding his head as he made him morning rounds.

“This playlist has changed everything,” Piedmont said to workers as he beamed with a soft smile not unlike the first sunshine after a lengthy winter. “I figured it was time to spice things up in the lobby. I feel alive for the first time in my entire life.”

Dewey Nasel, Piedmont’s longtime partner, was not quite as enthused by the sudden change in ambiance.

“I think he somehow got his playlists confused and is too proud to admit that he was wrong,” Nasel said. “Last night he played “Non-Intrusive Marimba Concerto #3″ in bed and claimed to love every second of it.”

And love it he did. In a private interview session scored by SZA, Piedmont went into graphic, medically inaccurate detail about what ambient lobby music does to his stinky little body.

Ultimately, Piedmont continued to smugly play sex playlist staples like Rihanna, The Weeknd, and Art Garfunkel’s solo work until the building emptied at the end of the workday.