Area Man Just Can’t Take Death of Succulent Right Now

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the country enters either day 7,8 or 9 of what has essentially become a nationwide quarantine, things are turning dire in the Sculpin household.

As his shelves sat empty and his toilet paper supply dwindled, little Marty Sculpin sat with his head in his hands, unsure of how he was going to force himself through another 20-minute episode of ‘Love Island.’ That was five minutes before he lost his most prized possession.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Marty Sculpin, speaking from the fetal position, “what with the stock market and airlines being in so much trouble.”

Sculpin, speaking there just seconds after the loss of his pride and joy, was referring to the succulent he purchased at the farmer’s market two weeks ago.

Experts say it’s a miracle the plant made it this long.

“To be frank, the conditions Marty Sculpin is living in are not fit for a human being, let alone a succulent,” said Dr. Vertigo Polongo, plant expert, “Although it is sad we just can’t say we’re surprised.”

Jared was 2 weeks old.

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