Goldfish Mourns Passing of 3,855, 475th Mascot

By David Colton

NORWALK, CT — It looks like the snack has finally stopped smiling back.

A gloomy, overcast day set the tone at Pepperidge Farm HQ Wednesday as pallbearers made the long walk from the mansion grounds to the Water Closet Mausoleum for the 23rd time this year.

The deceased was none other than Walter, the company’s beloved mascot and President of Goldfish Operations at Pepperidge Farm. Hearts were heavy as the services progressed. The ceremony featured several guest speakers, including multiple fish advocates and Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky.

“There’s truly no way to define the imprint Walter left on this company,” said Melton Pervis, security guard who gets to watch the video cameras, “He really turned us around after that whole mascot murder scandal in April.”

Pervis is, of course, referring to the scandal that rocked Pepperidge farm earlier this year when Walter’s predecessor, Kevin, was found dead of thirst on the floor of the office kitchen. After an autopsy, the coroner confirmed the cause of death to be murder by manual strangulation.

It is unclear whether Walter passed from natural causes, but the subject matter is so sensitive among everyone who was close to him that nobody seems to want to discuss it.

Early rumors circulated that he was underfed, but there was little evidence to back this claim.

Walter Bernard Casper

(C. April 2019 – August 7, 2019)

Lollapalloza Installs Camelbak Vodka Refill Stations

By David Colton

GRANT PARK — Well, it’s that time of year again.

The days are unbearably hot, the trains are full of plastered 16-year-olds and all of the artists you paid $400 to see are playing at the same time.

But, for once, Lollapalooza has set into motion a move that reflects a full and complete understanding of the festival attendees.

Organizers have now implemented another round of Camelbak refill stations — but these are different.

Explicitly designed to ruin the thin rubber backpack and an enjoyable afternoon, the festival decided Saturday to implement taps full of warm vodka.

“Look, we know what the kids want,” said Barton Carpette, who volunteered to be interviewed but has nothing to do with Lollapalooza, “Whose Saturday afternoon couldn’t be made a bit better with a little sun-warmed Svedka?”

Festival attendees will have the chance to answer this question for themselves this afternoon when the taps make their debut at Lollapalooza alongside unboxed bags of wine, which have also been left in the sun.

In an effort to make up the costs of the new, high-tech vodka dispensing system, the fest has also made the crucial decision to eliminate medical tents.

“If people are getting sick at a music festival, they shouldn’t be here in the first place,” said Marvin Bird, 17-year-old entrepreneur and kid whose idea it was to remove the medical tents, “This is a place for people to have fun, first and foremost.”

It is unclear if Marvin Bird was allowed to attend the festival.

Stranger Things Season 3 Just a Compilation of One Second From Every Spielberg Movie

HOLLYWOOD – The Duffer Brothers left longtime Stranger Things fans mildly surprised after revealing new details about the show following last night’s season three release.

The writer-director duo responsible for the Netflix original series surprised essentially no one as they unveiled that every shot from season three was taken directly from Spielberg’s work.

“His work is so nostalgic,” Matt Duffer explained. “As we wrote this season, we realized that every single thing we wanted to put on film had already been done like, 30 years ago. Why do it again?”

While Matt Duffer focused on reassuring fans that season three will live up to to they hype, Ross Duffer spilled details about the new season.

“We did whatever we wanted,” Matt Duffer cackled. “After Sean Astin was so well-received last season, we decided to just throw as many 80s icons into this next season as possible. You bet your ass that Molly Ringwald is in it.”

Although unconfirmed, leaked screenshots from the premiere surfaced on last week featuring Ringwald, Matthew Broderick, and ALF alongside the cast who are now somehow older than you.

Perfectly Good DJ Khaled Song Ruined by DJ Khaled

By Pitchfork

LOS ANGELES – Interrupting his way to the top of the Billboard 100 charts, music mogul DJ Khaled has yet again established one of his star-studded tracks as the song of the summer.

What could have been a revelatory synthesis of pop, reggaeton, EDM, and house music featuring the biggest names in each genre ultimately floundered as Khaled yet again self-sabotaged his single by shouting nonsensical, atonal ad-libs and using his three year old son as a vessel for TUMS™️ product placement.

“We the best music!” Khaled shouted over the gorgeous bridge sung by TDE artist SZA, completely ruining SZA’s attempt to convince the audience this was a real song. “Remember to buy new FAST REACTZ by TUMS to curb your heartburn and symptoms of indigestion!”

Although Khaled has been a mainstay in the Top 100 charts for the last 7 years, each and every one on his songs has been sufficiently ruined by his grating, way-too-loud voice interrupting what could have been a great song.

BuzzFeed Quiz Reveals You’d Make a Fantastic Serial Killer, Could Even Get a Biopic

By Grace Bahler

CHICAGO—Monday, 2 a.m., you couldn’t sleep. BuzzFeed knew, and it had a great
quiz for you that of course made sense and wasn’t creepy at all: Take This Quiz and
We’ll Reveal What Kind of a Serial Killer You’d Be! Fake Serial Killers WON’T Get Less
Than 6/7!

You went through, question after question, answering things like ‘Do You Like Zac Efron
as Ted Bundy,’ ‘Did You Know Zac Efron Is Ripped,’ and ‘What’s Your Favorite Zac
Efron Movie?’ It was tough, but ultimately, you made it through.

And OMG! You would make such a great serial killer! So cute, right?!

“Congratulations,” your result read. “You would literally be the perfect serial killer. You
are hot, buzzworthy, and easy to romanticize in the media. Years after you end many
people’s lives and devastate their families for life, you’re totally going to get your own
movie! OMG GO YOU!”

You were, like, totally born for this. BuzzFeed quizzes are as accurate as
horoscopes—immensely if you believe them! And BuzzFeed does. In fact, they are so
rooting for you. Expect a package of equipment in the mail to get started ASAP. The
longer your streak, the more material for a biopic, and that’s what the real goal is here.
Who cares about morals or ethics or anything here? Not BuzzFeed! Not you! It’s time
for you to get someone hot to play you in a movie.

Take the next quiz: Who Will Play You in the Movie About You Being a Serial Killer?

Study Finds In-Flight Entertainment Far More Interesting on Screen in Front of You

By Mo Macsai-Goren

ROW 32 – Struggling to fully commit to Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, social scientist Dominic Atkinson conducted a thorough study of airline passengers and their in-flight entertainment preferences late Tuesday night.

After extensive interviews with the flight crew and over 13 hours of participant observation, Atkinson concluded that the majority of passengers preferred to covertly watch the screen of the person in front of them, regardless of what was playing on their own personal screen. 

“This doesn’t surprise me at all,” Atkinson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Why would anybody want to watch a movie of their choice when they could strain themselves to watch A Dog’s Purpose with no sound and half the screen obstructed? It’s a no brainer.”

Atkinson’s study went on to clarify that passengers pay the most attention to their own screens after being served meals due in part to the restrictions that a hot aluminum tin of in-flight shrimp scampi have on the human body’s ability to exert any amount of energy.

The study is currently under peer review by Greg, the man sitting in seat 32E, who is currently encroaching on Atkinson’s highly-coveted elbow room.

International Dance Day Once Again Falls on World Footloose Day

By David Colton

SMALLTOWN MIDWEST — Maybe today isn’t the day to cut loose.

As internet users and social media abusers around the world have reminded us, today, April 29th, 2019, is International Dance Day.

However, as John Lithgow was more than happy to remind us all, this is not to be a day for such nonsense. He took to Twitter to express his dismay:

Lithgow made another public appearance today at a press conference on the church steps.

“We stand adamantly against all of today’s youth around the world as they embark on this violent invasion,” said John Lithgow, known exclusively by the theater community for his role as Reverend Shaw Moore, “An invasion of dance.”

Diane Wiest, on the other hand, started out as a staunch opponent of the dance movement, but based on her latest Tweet, I’d say things are beginning to take a turn.

Hey, it looks like the kids are gathering down at the old grain mill on the outskirts of town! Let’s see what they’re up to.

Gee, it looks like something’s brewing in there! Let’s take a quick look.

Holy smokes! Ariel and Ren are totally going against the reverend’s orders!

You know what? Let’s do this. Grab my hand, let’s go!

Bruce Springsteen to Release First New Album in Five Minutes

By David Colton

NEW JERSEY — Following seconds of speculation about how the beloved leader of the E-Street Band would spend his time after his most recent release, Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen unveiled plans for yet another album.

“We’ve just entered an entirely new era of Bruce,” said Craig Jones, Springsteen fan and father of four sons named Bruce, “I really can’t wait to see how he shifts his sound for this 19th album — that’s 42 if you count live records, brother.”

Springsteen, who was recently spotted jogging along the New Jersey Turnpike in sweats and a trash bag, finished up his debut run on Broadway this summer.

Bruce says his newest album is an homage to the stage.

“Only after learning the important intricacies of acting for a live audience was able to sit back down and write another Jersey anthem,” said Springsteen, who is best known for his one-off musical adaption of the O.J. Simpson trial “The Bruce is Loose.”

The album, titled Thespian’s Dilemma, marks the major rock star’s first release since he got up from the couch and walked into his living room.