By David Colton
WALDORF, MD — We all knew this day was coming.
Good Charlotte has finally come out and said what people have been saying for years. After years of vicious denial by the Christian Church, which is already amid scandals aplenty, it appears no choice remains but to publicly acknowledge the truth.
“Now that Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul have thrust the church into the spotlight and exposed them, I can tell the world is ready for a new breed of religion,” said Purman Stove, Good Charlotte fan and unpublished author of several teen romance novels.
The pop punk band was initially popular in the early 2000s, which is said to be when the idea of a national holiday to celebrate Good Charlotte originally began circulating.
Even though this is arguably the most well-known public rumor to circulate in the last two decades, the band did us all the favor of tweeting proof to go along with the stunning revelation.
The band will put out 3 18-song albums this weekend, one for every day Benji overslept and missed rehearsal.
Of course, on the third day, he makes it to rehearsal on time and the boys are ready for another gig.
By David Colton
BEIGE HORIZON HOMES FOR THE WEAK AND OLD — Ugh! Why does he always have to make these things about him?!
These were the sentiments reflected by the three adolescents of the Delby family, who were forced to miss yet another season premiere of the hit HBO show for what their parents referred to as “Grandpa Eugene’s last stand.”
“Last time this happened, we boycotted the wake” said Tanner Delby, a self-described liberal until he enters the realm of Westeros, “I’m not missing the first episode in 19 months to watch Grandpa Eugene pretend he knows where he is.”
The last time this happened, the Delby parents attempted to recruit their adolescent children to see their great aunt one last time.
“In April 2012, we were all ready for the season 2 premiere, but then Great Aunt Penelope had a fall in the hot tub and we all had to turn off our phones for like, three hours,” said Devin Delby, who added that “the old hag wasn’t even that hurt.”
The children added that they are looking forward to the new season of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale,’ which is currently slated for the same day as father’s go-kart party.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
SANTA FE – Shocking lifelong “Game of Thrones” fans and geriatric conservatives around the country, beloved author George R.R. Martin has revealed that the mystifying two R’s in the middle of his name do, in fact, stand for “Ronald Reagan.”
The A Song of Ice and Fire author and 19th-century steam locomotive conductor decided to break the silence surrounding his evasive middle initials in an effort to generate more media coverage for tonight’s premiere of the eighth and final season.
“I wanted people to know the real me,” Martin said. “This new season is chock-full of hints. Tyrion Lannister survives an assassination attempt from a guy trying to impress Jodie Foster and Jon Snow declares a war on drugs in King’s Landing.”
Martin admitted that although working Jodie Foster into the Westeros mythos was difficult at times, it was worth it to pay homage to his namesake.
Tonight’s premiere is expected to be HBO’s most viewed episode in history. Renaissance Faires and Gamestop locations around the country are closing their doors for the premiere given that every employee of both has called in sick today.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
HOLLYWOOD – Sweating his way through yet another all-nighter, Oscar-winning composer Hans Zimmer expressed doubt early this morning that his latest score has enough repetitive, deafening bass to live up to his most notable work.
Zimmer had almost completed the score for a new untitled Christopher Nolan project when he realized it was lacking the proper number of cacophonous bass notes required to legally consider it a Hans Zimmer score. Worried, he frantically added booming bass “Bwaaaaaaamps” at seemingly random intervals throughout the film.
“It doesn’t really matter where they are,” Zimmer told Gatekeeper reporters. “As long as Cillian Murphy is on screen and there’s been over four minutes suspenseful buildup through continuous shrill violin note, I can put them wherever I want.”
Given that Christoper Nolan is at the helm of this untitled project, these two features appear simultaneously every 8 minutes.
“The people know what they want,” Zimmer continued. “Every score I compose is comprised of deep bass, atonal church organ and clock ticking. If I don’t deliver enough of each, they’re going to replace me with Ramin Djawadi. I’m going to add a few more just to be safe.”
Although the project is not scheduled to be released for another year, Zimmer is on a tight deadline before he resumes his completely sold out orchestral tour of every single European city for some reason.
By David Colton
RALPH’S MORGUE — Capitalizing on speculation that the death was caused by a weird snack gone wrong, mortician Rheuben Zynx revealed Monday morning that little Konner Wells had attempted the fabled food challenge “in his own tummy.”
Some locals say there’s more to the story.
“Yeah, that kid had it coming,” said Myke Tumor, local merchant, “who the hell spells ‘Connor’ a “k” and an “e?”
According to the official autopsy, Konner saw a video on something called YouTube in which another child filed a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke with a bunch of mint-flavored Mentos, sat back and watched them explode.
Although it’s unclear why Konner wanted to attempt this highly risky stunt without telling anyone or eating any food, one thing is clear:
That shit worked.
Konner was rocketed nearly 250 feet into the air, where he remained for six seconds at the top of a cartoonishly large Diet Coke spout before fluttering safely to the ground.
He was dead, though, and it was because of the Coke and Mentos. The toxic cocktail tore through his body like a fire hose tasked with filling a water balloon. It was gross.
“I’ve never seen anything quite like this,” said Rheuben, who started as an art major, “at least, not since the ‘Human Water Bottle Flip.’”
By David Colton
NAN’S BASEMENT — Finishing a crumb-heavy snack of old Bugles and mayo, Henry Charles Albert David, also known as Prince Harry, had a full-on meltdown over Fortnite.
“Nobody shall be allowed to play until I completely master the v8.20 update,” said Prince Harry, speaking to an empty parlor except for the Queen, “And nobody shall kill me without giving me proper time to react!”
Even Queen Elizabeth II said she can’t believe it’s taking him this long to master Builder Pro.
“This buffoon still doesn’t know how to navigate Tilted Towers,” said the Queen, who has already moved on to ‘Apex Legends,’ “It’s no surprise he wants to stop all of the little kiddies from winning.”
Unfortunately, Prince Harry said, there’s just no way around making everyone quit until he can win.
“I just keep getting murdered by these complete cheaters,” said Harry, who still hasn’t met his daughter since season 8 began.
“It’s honestly so unfair, and they’re usually a bunch of Rust Lords,” Harry said, referring to a low-level skin that only complete n00bs wear.
It is unclear if he will be present for the birth of his second child at this time.
By David Colton
SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND — Succumbing to decades of demand in the American Chinese dance performance art market, members of the Falun Gong new religious movement announced a comprehensive residency plan for Shen Yun Saturday.
“We’re spreading this shit like the black plague, baby,” said Trevor Donovan, the 20-year-old dropout who runs social media for Shen Yun and the Chinese government.
“Shen Yun is exactly what the American people need at a time like this.”
It remains unclear if Trevor actually knows what the services are, even after six hours of cross-examination by Gatekeeper reporters.
“You’re gonna see us on every block, in every building, in every business, every house, every apartment, every room… you get it,” said Trevor, who applied for the job through a random LinkedIn connection.
Although it’s not clear why Shen Yun is spreading its dance wings so wide, one thing holds true: The number one related search for the service is still “Communist Party of China.”
“Hey man, that’s what we call SEO optimization,” said Trevor, speaking from his buddy’s couch, “Yo, can I hit that?”
Despite attempts to reach someone higher up in the organization, Trevor seemed to be the only physical person I could find who would outwardly affiliate themselves with Shen Yun.
Except for all those people in the parade, of course. Wait a second, why is the parade coming from both directions?
My god. It’s happening.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
HOUSTON – Fake beards and half-assed ZZ Top puns were in abundance as Mark Portobello and his bandmates sought to defend their title as “Houston’s best ZZ Top Cover band” for the third year running at the Rock Dock lounge late Thursday night.
What started as a friendly competition between regional middle-aged rockers who all work at the same guitar center took an unexpected turn when ZZ Slop’s set was cut short after Portobello, the frontman, came to the realization that he now considers himself more of a ZZ bottom.
“Hey, people change over time,” Portobello tole Gatekeeper reporters. “Nothing is set in stone and I think I’ve become more submissive over the years. Do you…do you think I can get the guitar to play me..?”
While Gatekeeper reporters are still trying to figure out what exactly Portobello meant by that, updates to his various dating app profiles indicate that the change is, at least for now, here to stay.
Portobello’s bandmates have indicated that they are actively searching for a new frontman who can dominate both on stage and off.
More to come.