Kid Brings Cleats to Pool Party

By David Colton

WINNETKA, IL — When Monica DeViscous received an invitation in the mail for her son Gio to be invited to his first birthday party, she knew he would have a hard time.

Gio is the new kid at Warren Elementary, and Timmy Squints is well-known as the coolest boy in the fifth grade.

Timmy is known in particular for his annual “Splash Party,” a birthday celebration for the most elite kids in the North Shore area.

Timmy said he knew he was taking a big risk by inviting the new kid in town, Gio.

“My mom made me invite that weird loser,” said Timmy, who will grow up to be just horrible, “He showed up to the first day of school with a ‘Lightning McQueen’ lunchbox, and every like, dude, everyone knows ‘Planes’ was the best part of that series.”

Apparently, Gio was aware of both the fact that Timmy didn’t want him there and that the historic event was a pool party.

It was his mother, Monica DeViscous, who pressured little Gio to bring his soccer spikes “just in case”

“It was weird, because he like showed up 45 minutes early but also didn’t have a swimsuit,” said Timmy Squints, party host and semi-professional air soft warrior. “It was like he was planning on gradually shifting the party into the wet grass.”

Gio was eventually the last kid at the party, and the only one who neglected to adhere to the Splash Bash’s strict water-gifts-only guidelines.

Mom Wearing Four Pairs of Prescription Sunglasses

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL — Citing a lack of sunscreen that can be effectively applied to her eyelids, Janet Schuster spent $674 on sunglasses in a single trip to MyEyeDr. Friday.

These aren’t your run-of-the-mill, regular see-through sunglasses either.

According to Janet, every additional pair of prescription -3.8 glasses with polarized sun protection just adds to the distance from which she can make sure her son isn’t being excluded from sports games at the beach.

“With my new method of vision, I can be sure that my André is always a captain for sand baseball,” said Janet, who is 48 and strangely competitive about yoga. “I love new trends!”

André, who is 12 now, has officially established himself as the leader of the small group of sixth-grade boys. He said the key to his success is simple: cyberbully the weak.

Janet said she’s incredibly proud of little André, and even more proud of her husband, who owns and operates an Instagram account for his veganism.

For Janet, her sunglasses/ tinted telescope creation is just the beginning of how she will spend her days.

She already has plans in the works for a one-piece swimsuit you can wear to the store.

Ha! Other Goofball in Prayer Circle Also Not Praying

By David Colton

ST. JUDAS METHODIST CHURCH — Despite specific instructions from Reverend Dipple to keep those peepers squeezed shut during our time alone with the lord, local rascal Tommy Potts sneaked a glance across the prayer group Wednesday afternoon.

What he saw changed his perception of church forever.

Tommy’s mom always told him to stay away from that Bobby Tuggins, but today she was focused on the lord.

“We had our eyes closed and Dipple was spewing about dang Corinthians for the third time this month,” said Tommy Potts, who rides without a helmet, “I just couldn’t help but take a peek!”

To his surprise, when he opened his eyes, he saw little Bobby Tuggins giving him the exact same look.

“Yeah, I had no idea I was gonna see Tommy Potts,” said Tuggins, who has received detention before, “I just heard Dipple fall back on Corinthians again and I had to open my eyes.”

It was confirmed in a post-sermon coffee hour conversation between the two boys’ mothers that both hooligans will be attending church camp this summer.

This puts them at odds when it comes time to graduate college, which they are both set to do this month.

“I hope Tuggins knows that I don’t play around when it comes to this,” said Tommy Potts, pulling out and actually lighting a candy cigarette, “I’m the king of comedy, baby.”

Bobby Tuggins seems to think otherwise.

“Is that what he said? Oh, it is on. This bastard has taken the part of shepherd in the Christmas pageant one year too many. I hope he’s ready to get shat on by the angel Tuggins.”

Autopsy Finds Diet Coke, Mentos

By David Colton

RALPH’S MORGUE — Capitalizing on speculation that the death was caused by a weird snack gone wrong, mortician Rheuben Zynx revealed Monday morning that little Konner Wells had attempted the fabled food challenge “in his own tummy.”

Some locals say there’s more to the story.

“Yeah, that kid had it coming,” said Myke Tumor, local merchant, “who the hell spells ‘Connor’ a “k” and an “e?”

According to the official autopsy, Konner saw a video on something called YouTube in which another child filed a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke with a bunch of mint-flavored Mentos, sat back and watched them explode.

Although it’s unclear why Konner wanted to attempt this highly risky stunt without telling anyone or eating any food, one thing is clear:

That shit worked.

Konner was rocketed nearly 250 feet into the air, where he remained for six seconds at the top of a cartoonishly large Diet Coke spout before fluttering safely to the ground.

He was dead, though, and it was because of the Coke and Mentos. The toxic cocktail tore through his body like a fire hose tasked with filling a water balloon. It was gross.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like this,” said Rheuben, who started as an art major, “at least, not since the ‘Human Water Bottle Flip.’”

Child Fills Up on Bread

By David Colton

NORTHBROOK—A mother frustrated. A waiter tapping his pen. A father on his phone. A chaotic scene, with a cause more sinister than it appears.

10-year old Billy Stooble hadn’t eaten all day—at least, not since his breakfast of plain Eggos and Yogurt. But he’d pranced around the soccer pitch all day; he deserved to feast like a true champion.

He had specifically requested Giovanni Randazzo’s Italian Bistro, because it’s well known that Gio’s has the best mac n cheese and root beer—but what Gaylord and Helena Stooble didn’t see coming was the worst possible pre-meal preparation: a sliced baguette and a little basket of plastic butter containers.

“It was like the waiter had just set down the most valuable jewel in the Realm, and if he was the top Jewel Seeker,” said Dr. Mulligan Snots, who was seen devouring a calzone nearby.

Against his parents’ warning, the young Stooble snatched up nearly seven pieces of the sliced baguette, leaving only the “butt” and, of course, all of the “gross brown bread” for his four-year old sister.

“Yeah, that was a real ballsy move,” said Gaylord Stooble, Billy’s father, “I did not expect him to fuck Sarah over like that—I mean… that shit was cold.”

By the time the waiter returned to take the family’s order, Billy was already halfway through his second bread refill, and yet did not hesitate to be the first to blurt out his order, demanding pasta and French fries.

Helena tried to stop him, but the damage Billy had inflicted was already done—the waiter had moved on to her husband.

“Oh, I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat all of that right then. Are you kidding me? Mac n Cheese and French fries? That’s a ridiculous amount of food. But, I like to challenge myself, and I play to win,” said Billy, who would eventually fall asleep in the car ride home.

According to Dr. Snots, it was apparent that Billy drank two full glasses of root beer using the straw, in addition to devouring eight to ten pieces of bread and six plastic butter containers, whose woeful demise was scattered across the red and white-checked tablecloth.

“That kid had no chance,” said Dr. Snots, “and trust me, this is a situation I’m familiar with in my profession. There was no way that bread was making it past the 15-minute mark.”

By the end of the night, Billy had eaten two full baguettes, two French fries and one bite of Mac n Cheese. The rest of the exquisite dish was allocated to a Styrofoam container, where it will eventually be forgotten in the back of the Stooble fridge, only to be eventually consumed by Gaylord.

Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist










By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.


“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”