douche – The Gatekeeper

New Airpods Extend Into Jawline Beard

June 13, 2019Posted in businessTagged airpods, Apple, beard, douche, mean, tim cookLeave a comment

By David Colton

BUSHWICK — Following several consecutive letdowns at the Apple’s Annual Keynote Conference, the massive corporation finally delivered this year with a revolutionary upgrade to the company’s signature Airpods.

The newest model will extend fully and directly into an over-sculpted jawline beard, and will sometimes even feature a full scoop of hair gel and a thin gold chain worn over a t-shirt to go along with it.

“The move is expected to even further increase Airpod use among guys named ‘Brett,’ which is something once thought scientifically impossible,” said Dr. Moises Tinkle, an expert on the matter.

Scientists around the globe have been baffled at the rapid rise of douchebaggery — and in particular, its direct correlation with the rise of the little Bluetooth headphones that create beards.

The trend, which has accelerated at paces once thought literally impossible, has created an ideal market for Yankees fans and finance majors everywhere.

Apple CEO Tim Cook weighed in on the rise of his newest accessory.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, bro?

Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist

November 28, 2016November 28, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, UncategorizedTagged artist, douche, friend, funny, kid, mizzou, satireLeave a comment

By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.

“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

October 16, 2016October 16, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, SocialTagged autumn, douche, sick, vest, vineyard vines, weatherLeave a comment

By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Fifth-grader wins fucking medal for knowing what ‘sandbar’ is called

September 6, 2016April 2, 2019Posted in LocalTagged boy, douche, smallLeave a comment

By David Colton

LAKE MICHIGAN – Minds were blown early Thursday morning as local elementary school student and wallball phenom Jake White somehow knew what the little shallow part 40 yards into the lake was called.

“He had to have said it at least five times before we were like, ‘do you want a fucking medal?’” explains Jake’s mother, Heather, “and he said yes, so we got him a medal!”

The White family, which is from Northbrook, IL, says they give little Jake whatever he asks for.

“When he pointed out to us that a Nerf gun could, in fact, shoot 20 feet, we gave him my parents’ retirement fund,” explains Jake’s father Nick.

However, Jake is showing no signs of slowing down his prodigal process, as he continues to tell everyone he sees what a sandbar is called.

Jake, 11, already puts gel in his hair and is the proud owner of a totally sick air soft gun. His interests include: doing tricks on his Razor scooter, watching the new Goosebumps movie starring Jack Black, and yelling at his parents.

Additionally, Jake has apparently kissed a girl on the cheek.

“He told me he did it, so I know it’s real,” expresses Jake’s classmate Jack.

When asked who the lucky girl was, Jake reportedly responded “just some broad,” so we know he’s actually cool.