Guy Who Calls Other Guys ‘Guy’ Not Good Guy

By David Colton

TENANTS OF THE TREES — Knocking back the second of two White Claws once stacked in his left hand, local associate analyst Mikey “Coors Heavy” Furlough took a step back and let the sounds of the cacophonous bar surrounding him take over.

By his side were the boys, each sporting their signature “going out” vest. But then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something.

He saw a young man wearing a light blue button-down and khakis. For Mikey, that only meant one thing — it was either Matt, Jack, Nick, Matt or Trevor.

“What’s up, guy?” shouted Mikey, desperately aching to assert himself over someone in any and every setting because his father will never love him.

Per usual, every straight man in the room’s head eagerly turned for the familiar call, but Coors Heavy was already locked in a warm embrace with Corey. Or was it Tristan? Maybe Jason?

“Oh, when Heavy said what’s good to that youth I knew he had finally found his apprentice,” said Chris Orwell, who also peaked in high school.

As soon as the duo broke their tender embrace, it became clear that Orwell was right, as the poor boy now had a massive, visibly heavy gold chain adorning his neck embossed with blue mountains.

Then, the ceremonial proceedings began.

Mikey pushed and shoved his way to the bar, hurling insults at every inferior man and encouraging his new pupil to do the same. When he finally got to the bar, Coors Heavy and the kid had left a wake of spilled long island iced teas and vodka cranberries.

The sweet, horrible smell hung in the air and just for a moment the room seemed to fall completely silent. The world vanished around the guy and his apprentice at the bar, a moment of pure and serene intimacy between two toxic straight man.  

Then, the bartender shattered that silence, and a new era was begun.

“Okay, I’ve got a Coors and a Coors Light”

Jesus Christ: Finn Wolfhard Strangled Three Cats to Death

By David Colton

WEST HOLLYWOOD — Just weeks before the season 3 premiere of the hit Netflix show Stranger Things, disaster struck the Hawkins AV club.

Officers were doing a routine feline inspection on the mansion of Finn Wolfhard, who plays Mike in the breakout Netflix show Stranger Things, when things took a dark turn.

“He had a really nice house, but he lived alone, which was immediately weird — he’s 15,” said Fran Carpenter, Deputy Police Chief.

“The place was really well furnished except for this one door that had about 80 locks on it, it was real medieval looking.”

Behind this 85-pound steel door, of course, was Finn’s deepest, darkest secret.

A fully furnished New York-style studio apartment with scratching post-skyscrapers and enough yarn to last a cat for life. Apparently, that’s exactly what the yarn was for.

Officers uncovered the bodies of three elderly cats who appeared to have been trapped in this small, stinky room.

“We all knew Finn had a dark side, but this is just unprecedented.”

Wolfhard’s attempts to defend himself fell on mostly deaf ears. Most likely because he was shrieking his defense while being carried out by two large men.

“I swear, I love kitties!” said the young star, cackling maniacally, “They wanted a home and I gave them that! They shouldn’t have tried to escape!”

It is unclear whether this will affect the scheduled July 4 release date for Stranger Things season 3.

Graduating Senior Excited to Finally Fulfill Hurtful Superlative

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO — The very same day Sarah Fondant joined her sorority, she knew she would be making wonderful, lasting memories with a wonderful group of people.

The past four years haven’t been easy for Sarah, who was only able to secure a few close friends despite constantly being forced to attend group events. However, she said she’s finally ready to fulfill her destiny.

“They voted me ‘most likely to become second-in-command at a midsized corporation,’” said Sarah Fondant, president of the university’s Economics society, “What is this, fucking J.D. Power & Associates?”

Sarah said she actually loves J.D. Power & Associates even though it’s unclear who they are and what they do, and she said she’s ready to give professional life a shot. She said she was surprised to win the award, and expected it to go to her colleague Heather.

Heather finished second in votes for this category, but she did receive the coveted “Most Likely to Invent a New Type of Cheese Puff” award, which has gone to super-senior Wanda Thumb for three straight years.

This year, Wanda finally backed out of the competition, admitting that she’s actually 38.

Joke Said Again, Louder

By David Colton

THE WORKPLACE — After several seconds of deafening silence, Dennis Herblemann realized the circle of people standing in the break room must not have heard him.

So, he tried again to weave the same exact joke — verbatim — back into the conversation in a natural way.

“… It’d be called a can’t opener!” said Herblemann, a 34-year-old who routinely does explicit work-conversation prep in the car his way to work.

In a second crushing blow, Dennis once again received stone-cold silence from his colleagues, who were presumably still brooding over last night, where everyone had to stay 20 extra minutes so Susan could finish making copies.

“Honestly, all this says to me is ‘Dennis, nobody likes you or wants to spend any time with you,’” said Herblemann, who has worked at this company for 13 years.

“Back to the drawing board!”

Meanwhile, Trey — the new guy in accounting — came out guns blazing in his first week back since flying to Vegas for a poker tournament.

“So then, me and my buddy Jack, both absolutely plastered, won $60k in one hand, from the toilet. Talk about a fuckin’ royal flush, am I right?” said Trey, who might be under 30 according to workplace rumors.

Of course, workplace colleagues were incredibly receptive to Trey’s Vegas routine and at one point appeared to actively tighten the break room circle in an effort to squeeze him out.

Then, Trey did the unthinkable.

“Yo, guys, here’s another classic: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?”

Lamest Friends at Apartment Party Exiled to Balcony

By David Colton

NEW YORK — When Luke and Corey Hunt decided to host a joint birthday party for the 26th year in a row, they knew the crowd would be hard to contain in their two-bedroom in the West Village.

“We intend to throw a banger for the ages,” said Luke, who confirmed that his mother still pays rent for the two 26-year-olds, “My boys come to rage with the boys, not these idiot nerds.”

It is unclear why the twins invited the “idiot nerds,” a small group of introverts who are better friends with the boys’ mother than the boys themselves.

“Fucking mom made us invite Herman, Gary and Jeb,” said Corey, who wears a shooting sleeve to rec league softball games, “It’s no wonder dad left.”

Sources confirmed both twins think of their dad as “a fucking sick role model,” and that they “don’t even give a shit” that he spent their college fund on future-tense Yankees World Series tickets.

Two hours into the party, it was abundantly clear who the twins considered the “idiot nerds,” as all but three patrons of the birthday bash were exiled to the balcony immediately upon entry and looked on upon classic party games like “Chug, Pussy” and “Break a Glass Without Bleeding.”

Out on the balcony itself, things were a bit tamer. A quiet discussion of semantics had blossomed between the three sad patrons, who chipped in for a bottle of $45 wine.

‘Mobile Gamer’ Hasn’t Moved in Four Hours

By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — It’s no secret video that games are making a comeback in a big way.

Ever since “Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice” came out, the gaming community has been in the sunken place trying to figure it out. However, some are migrating in the opposite direction: playing the worse-made versions of console games on their phones.

Kevin “Last of his Name” Smith has been talking up mobile gaming to his mother for months now in an attempt to convince her he will be more active.

“Sharon has not ventured to the Viper’s Realm much,” said Kevin, speaking about the pantry he moved a couch into, “at least not since I issued Declaration 476. Oh, are you unfamiliar? That’s the Smithwide prohibition on questioning anything I say or do.”

While it Kevin, who is clearly an only child, thinks he has his mother fooled, Sharon Smith has some choice words of her own.

“Will you tell that fucking loser to get a job? All he does is sit down there and play those silly games,” said Sharon Smith, who declined to let any of us use the restroom.

“He told me it helps him get hand exercise, but honestly I’d rather just have him jerking it down there.”

Upon saying this, Sharon immediately realized that’s exactly what Kevin is doing, and dashed downstairs to intervene.

Hey, Have You Heard? These Hats Make You Look Like You Have Hair

By David Colton

MILWAUKEE — Hey, you! Yeah, you. Yes, I’m talking to you. The guy in the gamer chair with Bugles on his fingers and his gut dangling below his for-some-reason-form-fitting t-shirt.

This is an announcement for you! Well, you and newspaper boys from 1930s and before.

According to a study that focused almost exclusively on fans of J.R.R. Tolkien and George R.R. Martin, there is a population of about 5.8 million 30-something white men who are in need of solace from the mortal challenge of hair loss.

“I find a curious absence of R.R. in my name,” said Thomas Doberman, who works from home as a GameFuel brand ambassador.

“All of that was solved by these ingenius follicle simulators.”

Although it’s unclear if Thomas R.R. Doberman thinks these hats literally regenerate hair, it’s pretty fair to say that he probably thinks the tweed fabric looks like normal hair. Poor guy.

The study was conducted in EB Games stores across the country — which we were forced to type  at wand-point instead of Gamestop, which when you really look at it has begun to  sort of dominate the video game storefront busine—

UPDATE: EB Games is doing very well and will continue serving its loyal customers forever.

Ha! Other Goofball in Prayer Circle Also Not Praying

By David Colton

ST. JUDAS METHODIST CHURCH — Despite specific instructions from Reverend Dipple to keep those peepers squeezed shut during our time alone with the lord, local rascal Tommy Potts sneaked a glance across the prayer group Wednesday afternoon.

What he saw changed his perception of church forever.

Tommy’s mom always told him to stay away from that Bobby Tuggins, but today she was focused on the lord.

“We had our eyes closed and Dipple was spewing about dang Corinthians for the third time this month,” said Tommy Potts, who rides without a helmet, “I just couldn’t help but take a peek!”

To his surprise, when he opened his eyes, he saw little Bobby Tuggins giving him the exact same look.

“Yeah, I had no idea I was gonna see Tommy Potts,” said Tuggins, who has received detention before, “I just heard Dipple fall back on Corinthians again and I had to open my eyes.”

It was confirmed in a post-sermon coffee hour conversation between the two boys’ mothers that both hooligans will be attending church camp this summer.

This puts them at odds when it comes time to graduate college, which they are both set to do this month.

“I hope Tuggins knows that I don’t play around when it comes to this,” said Tommy Potts, pulling out and actually lighting a candy cigarette, “I’m the king of comedy, baby.”

Bobby Tuggins seems to think otherwise.

“Is that what he said? Oh, it is on. This bastard has taken the part of shepherd in the Christmas pageant one year too many. I hope he’s ready to get shat on by the angel Tuggins.”

Snapchat Friend Dies

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — After nearly four years of occasional story-viewing and near-complete ignorance of the fact she existed, Derek van Garble publicly mourned the loss of Kelsey Young Tuesday.

David van Garble, who once sat three rows behind Kelsey in Algebra II, wrote the following in a Facebook post:

“R.I.P. Kels. I never got the chance to tell you this but I always thought we would end up together. I’ll miss you so much </3”

When Kelsey Young arrived at Jeff’s Sunday night, she had no idea there would be that much alcoholic yogurt — it was her favorite thick fluid. But for Kelsey, it was also the first horseman of her dairy demise.

“I’ve never seen someone suck down that ‘gurt the way she did,” said Bob Huxley, assistant manager at Jeff’s Discotech and Yogurt Hub, “It was one of the single most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced.”

But Kelsey didn’t die from Yogurt alone. It was a complex and horrifying sequence of events, that objectively actually looked pretty cool.

After Young’s fifth Yoplait Hard of the night, she stumbled into a supply closet and stepped on a rake, bonking herself right in the noggin. Then, as she backpedaled and went “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she fell off the Jeff’s balcony into the giant people-sized punch bowl that was filled with — you guessed it — Yoplait Hard. Of course, she wasn’t dead then, just surrounded by alcoholic yogurt. But her time was coming, and it was clear she knew. When onlookers asked if she needed assistance, her response was simple.

“I am the yogurt now, and the yogurt is me. Goodbye, society. I am finally allowing the ‘gurt to consume me.”

Kelsey was 24.

Vaping Win! New Study Links Cloud Size to Length of Jeans Chain

By David Colton

BLOOMINGTON, IL — Following years of speculation concerning the correlation between $600 metal cigarettes and the manifestation of personal insecurity in the form of pants accessories, doctors have finally released the results of a compelling study.

“Ever since I switched to a box mod, it’s been worth,” said Cris Heathers, assistant manager of a secondhand Earring Gauges shop. “Mad worth, and my cloud size has tripled since I hit a stain on those jeans from Hot Topic.”

The doctors tasked with carrying out the study were sent to half-closed indoor shopping malls across the Midwest, where they spent days upon weeks documenting vape techniques and corresponding outfit decisions among 18 to 38-year-old men.

“I always say, blow clouds, not loud,” said Cris, who has been hospitalized three times for popcorn lung, “we get hella vapor, and we got a signature outfit to go with it too.”

This massive victory for the vaping and 311 communities comes at a time when inception coils are hotter than ever and over-drip flooding has reached an all-time low.

“Ed Hardy is raging in his grave,” said Cris, who doesn’t know how to ride any of the skateboards he owns, “this was all for him. Rip clouds in peace, bro.”