party – The Gatekeeper

By David Colton

WINNETKA, IL — When Monica DeViscous received an invitation in the mail for her son Gio to be invited to his first birthday party, she knew he would have a hard time.

Gio is the new kid at Warren Elementary, and Timmy Squints is well-known as the coolest boy in the fifth grade.

Timmy is known in particular for his annual “Splash Party,” a birthday celebration for the most elite kids in the North Shore area.

Timmy said he knew he was taking a big risk by inviting the new kid in town, Gio.

“My mom made me invite that weird loser,” said Timmy, who will grow up to be just horrible, “He showed up to the first day of school with a ‘Lightning McQueen’ lunchbox, and every like, dude, everyone knows ‘Planes’ was the best part of that series.”

Apparently, Gio was aware of both the fact that Timmy didn’t want him there and that the historic event was a pool party.

It was his mother, Monica DeViscous, who pressured little Gio to bring his soccer spikes “just in case”

“It was weird, because he like showed up 45 minutes early but also didn’t have a swimsuit,” said Timmy Squints, party host and semi-professional air soft warrior. “It was like he was planning on gradually shifting the party into the wet grass.”

Gio was eventually the last kid at the party, and the only one who neglected to adhere to the Splash Bash’s strict water-gifts-only guidelines.

By David Colton

NEW YORK — When Luke and Corey Hunt decided to host a joint birthday party for the 26^th year in a row, they knew the crowd would be hard to contain in their two-bedroom in the West Village.

“We intend to throw a banger for the ages,” said Luke, who confirmed that his mother still pays rent for the two 26-year-olds, “My boys come to rage with the boys, not these idiot nerds.”

It is unclear why the twins invited the “idiot nerds,” a small group of introverts who are better friends with the boys’ mother than the boys themselves.

“Fucking mom made us invite Herman, Gary and Jeb,” said Corey, who wears a shooting sleeve to rec league softball games, “It’s no wonder dad left.”

Sources confirmed both twins think of their dad as “a fucking sick role model,” and that they “don’t even give a shit” that he spent their college fund on future-tense Yankees World Series tickets.

Two hours into the party, it was abundantly clear who the twins considered the “idiot nerds,” as all but three patrons of the birthday bash were exiled to the balcony immediately upon entry and looked on upon classic party games like “Chug, Pussy” and “Break a Glass Without Bleeding.”

Out on the balcony itself, things were a bit tamer. A quiet discussion of semantics had blossomed between the three sad patrons, who chipped in for a bottle of $45 wine.

Tag: party

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