9 Incredible Business Ideas That Are The New York Sock Exchange

By David Colton

  1. The New York Sock Exchange

Just think about the possibilities. We could regulate our currency into a well-woven, fabric-based system that benefits everyone. Riddle me this: Who wants to live a life without socks? Not me, and not most people! Let us expand the potential for the future of feet!

2. The NYSE (New York Sock Exchange)

This is an idea I’ve been really excited to share for some time now. I don’t want to jinx it or anything like that, but I think this could be… big. So get this: You know the New York Stock Exchange? Where they make many phone calls at once and talk about buying and selling money? Picture that, but with socks. I know, right?

3. The Sock Exchange (New York)

So this is a branch off of one of my original ideas, which was a gated community built exclusively and especially for sock enthusiasts, with a full-on recreation center and weekly sock exchanges on Saturday mornings. I got to thinking, where do most sock people live? New York. What do people like to do in New York? Exchange goods. Bingo.

4. The Soque Exchange of New York

This is an urban concept I’ve been toying with since my most recent physiological era. Many unique wonders of the world come together in the transcendent metropolis that is New York, and it is my belief that the fullest potential of that transcendental approximation should be established and appropriated at any cost.

5. The Newark Sock Exchange

So clearly this exchange is a bit smaller and less important than the others, and it’s more of a backseat idea of mine to be honest. But I guess I’ll lay out the basics. Where do I start? It’s your basic everyday sock exchange — mainly whites, but a decent number of neon and brown socks as well. That is, of course, what the region is known for in sock terms,

6. New York Smock Exchange

It’s relatively self-explanatory, but based on some preliminary research we have come to the conclusion that there is a market for a well-regulated smock network that would play host to some consumers with seriously deep pockets.

7. Socke Exchange of Olde Yorke

A wee town of cobblers in upstate New York would likely appreciate this conceptual medieval exchange market. This exchange would be similar to the olympic village in a lot of ways, except set in the year 1568. A full-on resort would be based around the daily exchange, which of course exclusively involved knittings of the towne children.

8. New York State of Socks (Exchange)

I wrote and recorded the first demos of this single over two years ago, but it still hasn’t hit the light of day. My manager says he’s still shopping it around to all of the biggest agents, but he’s still looking for the best job for me. I think he’s just hitting on me. My song is a hit.

9. Socks 4 Gold

Funny story, the first time I ever realized that socks would be the ideal universal currency for all of humanity was actually because I passed one of those “Cash 4 Gold” places on Broadway and I realized ‘cash? Who the heck wants cash? They should do Socks 4 Gold instead.’ So I feel like once we establish the whole ‘socks are the new currency’ thing this could definitely turn out to be a worthy business venture.

Lamest Friends at Apartment Party Exiled to Balcony

By David Colton

NEW YORK — When Luke and Corey Hunt decided to host a joint birthday party for the 26th year in a row, they knew the crowd would be hard to contain in their two-bedroom in the West Village.

“We intend to throw a banger for the ages,” said Luke, who confirmed that his mother still pays rent for the two 26-year-olds, “My boys come to rage with the boys, not these idiot nerds.”

It is unclear why the twins invited the “idiot nerds,” a small group of introverts who are better friends with the boys’ mother than the boys themselves.

“Fucking mom made us invite Herman, Gary and Jeb,” said Corey, who wears a shooting sleeve to rec league softball games, “It’s no wonder dad left.”

Sources confirmed both twins think of their dad as “a fucking sick role model,” and that they “don’t even give a shit” that he spent their college fund on future-tense Yankees World Series tickets.

Two hours into the party, it was abundantly clear who the twins considered the “idiot nerds,” as all but three patrons of the birthday bash were exiled to the balcony immediately upon entry and looked on upon classic party games like “Chug, Pussy” and “Break a Glass Without Bleeding.”

Out on the balcony itself, things were a bit tamer. A quiet discussion of semantics had blossomed between the three sad patrons, who chipped in for a bottle of $45 wine.