Dead Pet Excited to Live on Forever as Password

By Mo Macsai-Goren

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Mourning the loss of their beloved dog Coco, the Taylor family decided to immortalize their recently-deceased pet Saturday night by changing their Netflix password to “Coco123.”

“We’ll miss Coco dearly,” Jonathan Taylor said. “But at least now we’ll be able to remember her whenever we log into Netflix, or at least until we get around to using the ‘Remember Me’ function.”

Despite the Taylor family’s tragic loss, Coco expressed posthumous excitement to Gatekeeper reporters (via Andrew Iris Yoint, professional canine medium) that she will be able to live on forever in password form.

“Coco is relaying…enthusiasm…” Yoint said through his cacophonous pinky ring ensemble. “She wants you to know how pleased she is with your decision to commemorate her with her very own password until everyone inevitably forgets it and you change it to your address. She also wants you to know that I take credit cards.”

The Taylor family expressed profound gratitude for Yoint’s services and have already begun their search for their next password inspiration down at the local kennel.

Spotify Wrapped Really Not Letting You Forget Breakup

By David Colton

YOUR PAST — Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas lights are up, winter coats are on and it’s time to reflect on the challenges you failed to overcome in 2019.

As they do around this date every year, Spotify has released their annual “Year Wrapped” collection of data from your year of listening.

Once again, it’s painfully clear that the majority of time you spent listening to music was curled up into a ball in the corner of your studio apartment, crying into your AirPods case.

When you initially visited the site, you were looking forward to seeing your 2019 favorites like Lizzo, Post Malone and Billie Eilish.

Instead, you were met with a harsh wake-up call to the tune of the Boygenius EP. He didn’t even like Lucy Daucus, so it was sort of empowering to listen to right when the breakup happened, but over time it just made you sad.

It’s also obvious that he still shares your Spotify. I mean, unless you listened to 34 hours of Metallica. Don’t worry — even though everyone is sharing their fun, happy listening history and your #2 is that Sarah McLachlan dead animals song, nobody will reach out when you post that cry-for-help of a list.
You can rest assured that everyone cares far more about you seeing their list than anything actually having to do with you.

Friend With Anxiety Being Really Weird

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — Drew’s new friends Jeremy and Dan knew he was unique.

“I immediately knew that Drew had anxiety when he told us he had anxiety,” said Jeremy, who is set to inherit his dad’s freelance roofing fortune, “but he kept telling us about things that we did and do that make him anxious, which is just so weird.”

Drew says he told two of his new friends about his anxiety as an effort to decrease the stigma against talking about mental health, especially among men.

“Like, men aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff,” said Dan, a 37-year-old who will never find love, “Yeah, Drew has anxiety, but I feel like he’s just being all weird about it by bringing it up.”

Dan and Jeremy say that as Drew’s friends, it’s now their duty to help him out — even if he’s being weird as fuck right now.

“We took it upon ourselves to tell every single one of our mutual friends about Drew’s condition,” said Dan, who drinks pre-workout before action movies, “That way, he doesn’t have to be anxious or whatever about everyone finding out.”

“I just see Drew doing these breathing exercises and trying to relax himself,” said Jeremy, who dresses as Joe Namath every single Halloween, “If I were him, I’d be hyping myself up and talking to every person I can about how to help.”

 Jeremy and Dan, Drew’s new friends, say they have never suffered from mental health.

Joke Said Again, Louder

By David Colton

THE WORKPLACE — After several seconds of deafening silence, Dennis Herblemann realized the circle of people standing in the break room must not have heard him.

So, he tried again to weave the same exact joke — verbatim — back into the conversation in a natural way.

“… It’d be called a can’t opener!” said Herblemann, a 34-year-old who routinely does explicit work-conversation prep in the car his way to work.

In a second crushing blow, Dennis once again received stone-cold silence from his colleagues, who were presumably still brooding over last night, where everyone had to stay 20 extra minutes so Susan could finish making copies.

“Honestly, all this says to me is ‘Dennis, nobody likes you or wants to spend any time with you,’” said Herblemann, who has worked at this company for 13 years.

“Back to the drawing board!”

Meanwhile, Trey — the new guy in accounting — came out guns blazing in his first week back since flying to Vegas for a poker tournament.

“So then, me and my buddy Jack, both absolutely plastered, won $60k in one hand, from the toilet. Talk about a fuckin’ royal flush, am I right?” said Trey, who might be under 30 according to workplace rumors.

Of course, workplace colleagues were incredibly receptive to Trey’s Vegas routine and at one point appeared to actively tighten the break room circle in an effort to squeeze him out.

Then, Trey did the unthinkable.

“Yo, guys, here’s another classic: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?”

Lamest Friends at Apartment Party Exiled to Balcony

By David Colton

NEW YORK — When Luke and Corey Hunt decided to host a joint birthday party for the 26th year in a row, they knew the crowd would be hard to contain in their two-bedroom in the West Village.

“We intend to throw a banger for the ages,” said Luke, who confirmed that his mother still pays rent for the two 26-year-olds, “My boys come to rage with the boys, not these idiot nerds.”

It is unclear why the twins invited the “idiot nerds,” a small group of introverts who are better friends with the boys’ mother than the boys themselves.

“Fucking mom made us invite Herman, Gary and Jeb,” said Corey, who wears a shooting sleeve to rec league softball games, “It’s no wonder dad left.”

Sources confirmed both twins think of their dad as “a fucking sick role model,” and that they “don’t even give a shit” that he spent their college fund on future-tense Yankees World Series tickets.

Two hours into the party, it was abundantly clear who the twins considered the “idiot nerds,” as all but three patrons of the birthday bash were exiled to the balcony immediately upon entry and looked on upon classic party games like “Chug, Pussy” and “Break a Glass Without Bleeding.”

Out on the balcony itself, things were a bit tamer. A quiet discussion of semantics had blossomed between the three sad patrons, who chipped in for a bottle of $45 wine.

Not Again: ‘Game of Thrones’ is on at the Exact Same Time as Grandpa’s Last Dinner!

By David Colton

BEIGE HORIZON HOMES FOR THE WEAK AND OLD — Ugh! Why does he always have to make these things about him?!

These were the sentiments reflected by the three adolescents of the Delby family, who were forced to miss yet another season premiere of the hit HBO show for what their parents referred to as “Grandpa Eugene’s last stand.”

“Last time this happened, we boycotted the wake” said Tanner Delby, a self-described liberal until he enters the realm of Westeros, “I’m not missing the first episode in 19 months to watch Grandpa Eugene pretend he knows where he is.”

The last time this happened, the Delby parents attempted to recruit their adolescent children to see their great aunt one last time.

“In April 2012, we were all ready for the season 2 premiere, but then Great Aunt Penelope had a fall in the hot tub and we all had to turn off our phones for like, three hours,” said Devin Delby, who added that “the old hag wasn’t even that hurt.”

The children added that they are looking forward to the new season of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale,’ which is currently slated for the same day as father’s go-kart party.

Little Brother Might Actually Be Hurt, Apparently

By David Colton

LEXINGTON, KY — Depending on who you ask, there are a multitude of different ways little Johnny Plunkett could have ended up crumpled and wailing in a ball on the woodchips.

In the eyes of little Johnny, only one thing is certain: If he tells mom and dad, he’s toast.

“He said he wanted to go on the swings, so I gave him a big push like he asked for,” said Tyler, Johnny’s older brother and record holder for girls kissed in the seventh grade.

“If he wants to cry and be a wuss about it, he won’t learn what it means to be a true man.”

According to nearby playground patrons, Johnny flew close to 15 feet in the air after Tyler did one of his notoriously powerful “underdog” pushes.

“He, when he went on the swings, he swinged really high,” said Sally Trunks, local 3-year-old and recent graduate of Pull-Ups academy.

Despite his reluctance to do so, it appears Tyler will inform authorities that Johnny swinged too high, and now his leg has a woodchip in it.

Tyler’s parents were unavailable for comment after information became public suggesting they were filming the whole thing and jeering little Johnny when he “totally ate shit.”

“That little dweeb sure can fly,” said Dex, the boys’ father and owner of the West Eastern Dojo.

“Once that woodchip sinks in, his transformation into a wood nymph will officially have begun, and he will begin the spell-casting process.”

Man Uses Laptop as Plate

By David Colton

BROOKLYN — Dan Miller was never planning on opening his blinds Thursday. In fact, when he realized that it was sunny outside, he flipped them from all the way down to all the way up — even though the amount of shade provided was exactly the same.

Dan knew that today wouldn’t be the day he found a job, let alone the day he walked down to that Pottery Barn down the street.

Nay, wise Dan chose another path for his off-brand Hot Pocket. After a few excruciating minutes rotating on a heavily-stained microwave dish, Dan removed the “Cheezy Bread Square” from its solitary confinement.

It was, of course, 8,000 degrees, and so Dan, putting his business degree to good use, found an alternate plate. However, it slipped off onto the floor and exploded weirdly hard on the ground, evaporating completely.

 It was then that Dan decided to take matters into his own hands: time for eggs and bacon, baby—both prepared a la microwave, of course.

“I came home to a completely dark apartment at 3 p.m.,” said Dan’s mother, confirming they weren’t in that weird Alaskan night time thing, “I’m just glad it wasn’t Tomato soup again.”

UPDATE: Dan has still not found a job, even after two hours of surfing GoDaddy for that steamy pic of Danica Patrick.

Snapchat Friend Dies

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — After nearly four years of occasional story-viewing and near-complete ignorance of the fact she existed, Derek van Garble publicly mourned the loss of Kelsey Young Tuesday.

David van Garble, who once sat three rows behind Kelsey in Algebra II, wrote the following in a Facebook post:

“R.I.P. Kels. I never got the chance to tell you this but I always thought we would end up together. I’ll miss you so much </3”

When Kelsey Young arrived at Jeff’s Sunday night, she had no idea there would be that much alcoholic yogurt — it was her favorite thick fluid. But for Kelsey, it was also the first horseman of her dairy demise.

“I’ve never seen someone suck down that ‘gurt the way she did,” said Bob Huxley, assistant manager at Jeff’s Discotech and Yogurt Hub, “It was one of the single most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced.”

But Kelsey didn’t die from Yogurt alone. It was a complex and horrifying sequence of events, that objectively actually looked pretty cool.

After Young’s fifth Yoplait Hard of the night, she stumbled into a supply closet and stepped on a rake, bonking herself right in the noggin. Then, as she backpedaled and went “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she fell off the Jeff’s balcony into the giant people-sized punch bowl that was filled with — you guessed it — Yoplait Hard. Of course, she wasn’t dead then, just surrounded by alcoholic yogurt. But her time was coming, and it was clear she knew. When onlookers asked if she needed assistance, her response was simple.

“I am the yogurt now, and the yogurt is me. Goodbye, society. I am finally allowing the ‘gurt to consume me.”

Kelsey was 24.