Snapchat Friend Dies

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — After nearly four years of occasional story-viewing and near-complete ignorance of the fact she existed, Derek van Garble publicly mourned the loss of Kelsey Young Tuesday.

David van Garble, who once sat three rows behind Kelsey in Algebra II, wrote the following in a Facebook post:

“R.I.P. Kels. I never got the chance to tell you this but I always thought we would end up together. I’ll miss you so much </3”

When Kelsey Young arrived at Jeff’s Sunday night, she had no idea there would be that much alcoholic yogurt — it was her favorite thick fluid. But for Kelsey, it was also the first horseman of her dairy demise.

“I’ve never seen someone suck down that ‘gurt the way she did,” said Bob Huxley, assistant manager at Jeff’s Discotech and Yogurt Hub, “It was one of the single most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced.”

But Kelsey didn’t die from Yogurt alone. It was a complex and horrifying sequence of events, that objectively actually looked pretty cool.

After Young’s fifth Yoplait Hard of the night, she stumbled into a supply closet and stepped on a rake, bonking herself right in the noggin. Then, as she backpedaled and went “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she fell off the Jeff’s balcony into the giant people-sized punch bowl that was filled with — you guessed it — Yoplait Hard. Of course, she wasn’t dead then, just surrounded by alcoholic yogurt. But her time was coming, and it was clear she knew. When onlookers asked if she needed assistance, her response was simple.

“I am the yogurt now, and the yogurt is me. Goodbye, society. I am finally allowing the ‘gurt to consume me.”

Kelsey was 24.

Autopsy Finds Diet Coke, Mentos

By David Colton

RALPH’S MORGUE — Capitalizing on speculation that the death was caused by a weird snack gone wrong, mortician Rheuben Zynx revealed Monday morning that little Konner Wells had attempted the fabled food challenge “in his own tummy.”

Some locals say there’s more to the story.

“Yeah, that kid had it coming,” said Myke Tumor, local merchant, “who the hell spells ‘Connor’ a “k” and an “e?”

According to the official autopsy, Konner saw a video on something called YouTube in which another child filed a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke with a bunch of mint-flavored Mentos, sat back and watched them explode.

Although it’s unclear why Konner wanted to attempt this highly risky stunt without telling anyone or eating any food, one thing is clear:

That shit worked.

Konner was rocketed nearly 250 feet into the air, where he remained for six seconds at the top of a cartoonishly large Diet Coke spout before fluttering safely to the ground.

He was dead, though, and it was because of the Coke and Mentos. The toxic cocktail tore through his body like a fire hose tasked with filling a water balloon. It was gross.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like this,” said Rheuben, who started as an art major, “at least, not since the ‘Human Water Bottle Flip.’”

Athletic Shorts Not Doing 14-Year-Old Boy Any Favors

By David Colton

MIDDLE SCHOOL – After several reports of prepubescent musings, sources confirmed Monday that Bobby Wallace, local teen, was seen walking in between classes with what witnesses described as a “legitimately disgusting” and “almost impressive” bulge.

“I was just going to math, and I turned the corner and bam! There it was, looking me square in the face,” explains other middle schooler Timmy Pants.

Wallace was said to be wearing athletic shorts that were clearly bought at Target, as the champion logo on the bottom of the shorts sat a bit farther than normal from his thigh.

“I don’t know what everyone keeps looking at,” explains Wallace, who might not even be wearing any underwear, “I know they’re cool shorts but they aren’t that cool!”

After 7th period, principal Jeffery Groin pulled Bobby into his office. The following interview material is a Gatekeeper exclusive:

PRINCIPAL GROIN: Bobby, do you know why you’re here?

BOBBY: Because I turned the water fountain around and made Lucy Thomas’ shirt see through?

PG: Actually no, but nice one. You’re here because you need to change your pants.

BOBBY: I haven’t done that since 2008, why should I do it now?

PG: Because you have a raging boner, son.

UPDATE: The problem has been mysteriously solved after the swim unit began Wednesday in gym class.