Emotionally Stunted Teen Has Coolest Parents

By Ben Gaspin

GREENWICH –  Sixteen-year-old Jackson Smalls has the life most teens dream of. He has a girlfriend, a car, and access to his father’s medical marijuana card. That’s right: Jackson Smalls has the coolest parents ever.

Smalls didn’t always know his parents were cool. In fact, he thought he was the cool one. To him, they were just Mom, who taught his friend Shiera how to kiss a boy because her mom is too conservative, and Dad, who coached Jackson’s basketball team and gave the other boys pointers to improve their game, while he just told Jackson how proud of him he was.

It wasn’t until Jackson threw a party while his parents were skydiving in Malta that he realized he might not be the stud he once believed. He made the mistake of telling friends that his parents were out of town, not realizing that the main reason they loved his house was because his dad is hella funny and his mom once told the principal that she could go fuck herself. 

Jackson’s girlfriend, Amanda Greene, comforts him when she can. “I’m kinda like his therapist, you know. He can never really find the words for how he’s feeling, or if he’s got any prospects in life. I want to tell him to talk to his parents because they’ll make him feel better by saying he can be president if he wants to, but also I feel like that’s a burden on Becky–oh, sorry, that’s his mom–you know?”

It is a burden for Becky, which is why Mr. and Mrs. Smalls tell their son weekly that it’s perfectly okay to talk to a therapist, even if nothing’s wrong yet, and you know what? Why don’t they just go ahead and set up an appointment for next week; he can go if he wants to or just cancel it.

Jackson has yet to see a therapist. When asked for comment, his only response was “Why would I talk about my feelings when Mortal Kombat can bury them deep inside me?”

Snapchat Friend Dies

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — After nearly four years of occasional story-viewing and near-complete ignorance of the fact she existed, Derek van Garble publicly mourned the loss of Kelsey Young Tuesday.

David van Garble, who once sat three rows behind Kelsey in Algebra II, wrote the following in a Facebook post:

“R.I.P. Kels. I never got the chance to tell you this but I always thought we would end up together. I’ll miss you so much </3”

When Kelsey Young arrived at Jeff’s Sunday night, she had no idea there would be that much alcoholic yogurt — it was her favorite thick fluid. But for Kelsey, it was also the first horseman of her dairy demise.

“I’ve never seen someone suck down that ‘gurt the way she did,” said Bob Huxley, assistant manager at Jeff’s Discotech and Yogurt Hub, “It was one of the single most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced.”

But Kelsey didn’t die from Yogurt alone. It was a complex and horrifying sequence of events, that objectively actually looked pretty cool.

After Young’s fifth Yoplait Hard of the night, she stumbled into a supply closet and stepped on a rake, bonking herself right in the noggin. Then, as she backpedaled and went “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she fell off the Jeff’s balcony into the giant people-sized punch bowl that was filled with — you guessed it — Yoplait Hard. Of course, she wasn’t dead then, just surrounded by alcoholic yogurt. But her time was coming, and it was clear she knew. When onlookers asked if she needed assistance, her response was simple.

“I am the yogurt now, and the yogurt is me. Goodbye, society. I am finally allowing the ‘gurt to consume me.”

Kelsey was 24.

Kid With Roller Backpack Running Through Halls Again

By Mo Macsai-Goren

ST. LOUIS – High school senior and all-around weirdo Sebastian Gilbert caused quite a scene Monday morning as he sprinted  at full speed through the hallway during the passing period before lunch.

Gilbert, known for his profound love of trapper-keepers and love for My Chemical Romance was followed close behind by his weirdly huge roller backpack, which he brings everywhere.

Although a motive is still unknown, rumors that Gilbert left his steampunk hat and attachable ferret tail adhesive in AP Stats have been circulating the cafeteria during the following period.

“It always seems to be the kids with the roller backpacks who are always sprinting for no reason,” fellow student Josh Cambridge said. “What do they know that we don’t…?”

This marks Gilbert’s third impromptu scamper through the halls in the past week, raising questions from some concerned faculty and members of the custodial staff.

“That kid definitely thinks he’s some kind of sorcerer,” Custodian Carl Daniels said. “Also I’m pretty sure he makes his own beef jerky in that trapper keeper and let me tell you, it is rancid.”

Carl Gilbert is expected to graduate this spring and split his time between day shifts at the renaissance fair and night shifts at the local GameStop.

Rapper From High School Drops New Pyramid Scheme

By Mo Macsai-Goren

INDIANAPOLIS – Struggling to make ends meet with his debut album “Trap Smear,” local rapper Trilliam H. Macy unveiled what was clearly a pyramid scheme to his 63 loyal followers on Facebook last week.

Macy, now six years out of high school, hopes that his new business venture will generate enough revenue for him to be the first person in history to buy a subscription to SoundCloud Pro.

“My new company is called ‘The Works,’” Macy said. “We sell everything from vague nutritional supplements to athletic wear that disintegrates immediately. Are you interested in becoming an ambassador? I only need $49 as a down payment…” Despite Macy’s efforts, he is still the sole team member at ‘The Works.’

Tanner Brewer, a former high school classmate of Macy’s sat down with Gatekeeper reporters to discuss the local rapper’s latest entrepreneurial quest.

“Well, it was one thing in high school, when he just wanted us to listen to his shitty music,” Brewer said. “But now that he’s shoving products like ‘pulverized marrow pods’ and ‘supple açaí exfoliant’ down our throats? I think it’s time to finally cut ties with that dude.”

Brewer expressed his concern for Macy while discretely unfollowing him on every social media platform.

Macy has yet to release a statement regarding Macy, among most of his friends from high school, completely abandoning him in his efforts to blatantly scam people on the internet.