The Next Gottlob Frege? Robbie Just Completed One Side of a Rubik’s Cube

By Gill Hurtig

EAST LANSING, MI – Robbie Daniels, fourth grader at Glencairn Elementary school was a middle-of-the-pack student, underwhelming in the eyes of the girls in his class, and an all-around forgettable personality.

But all of that changed when Robbie brought his Rubix cube to school last Tuesday.

Against all odds, Robbie completed the blue side of the coveted puzzle cube in front of his classmates at show-and-tell. The event lasted a show-and-tell record 46 minutes while Robbie shaped and reshaped his cube at the front of the room—but all was worthwhile in the end. Robbie, who has received numerous requests from peers to finish a side for them, has since whittled down that time to 31 minutes and has garnered a deep respect from both teachers and classmates alike.

When asked to comment, Robbie explained: “Pick any color. I can do any of the colors.”

An updated story says that Robbie can now complete one whole side and also get the middle stripe of a second side. Needless to say, the world can expect big things from Robbie Daniels.

Kid With Roller Backpack Running Through Halls Again

By Mo Macsai-Goren

ST. LOUIS – High school senior and all-around weirdo Sebastian Gilbert caused quite a scene Monday morning as he sprinted  at full speed through the hallway during the passing period before lunch.

Gilbert, known for his profound love of trapper-keepers and love for My Chemical Romance was followed close behind by his weirdly huge roller backpack, which he brings everywhere.

Although a motive is still unknown, rumors that Gilbert left his steampunk hat and attachable ferret tail adhesive in AP Stats have been circulating the cafeteria during the following period.

“It always seems to be the kids with the roller backpacks who are always sprinting for no reason,” fellow student Josh Cambridge said. “What do they know that we don’t…?”

This marks Gilbert’s third impromptu scamper through the halls in the past week, raising questions from some concerned faculty and members of the custodial staff.

“That kid definitely thinks he’s some kind of sorcerer,” Custodian Carl Daniels said. “Also I’m pretty sure he makes his own beef jerky in that trapper keeper and let me tell you, it is rancid.”

Carl Gilbert is expected to graduate this spring and split his time between day shifts at the renaissance fair and night shifts at the local GameStop.