Kid With Roller Backpack Running Through Halls Again

By Mo Macsai-Goren

ST. LOUIS – High school senior and all-around weirdo Sebastian Gilbert caused quite a scene Monday morning as he sprinted  at full speed through the hallway during the passing period before lunch.

Gilbert, known for his profound love of trapper-keepers and love for My Chemical Romance was followed close behind by his weirdly huge roller backpack, which he brings everywhere.

Although a motive is still unknown, rumors that Gilbert left his steampunk hat and attachable ferret tail adhesive in AP Stats have been circulating the cafeteria during the following period.

“It always seems to be the kids with the roller backpacks who are always sprinting for no reason,” fellow student Josh Cambridge said. “What do they know that we don’t…?”

This marks Gilbert’s third impromptu scamper through the halls in the past week, raising questions from some concerned faculty and members of the custodial staff.

“That kid definitely thinks he’s some kind of sorcerer,” Custodian Carl Daniels said. “Also I’m pretty sure he makes his own beef jerky in that trapper keeper and let me tell you, it is rancid.”

Carl Gilbert is expected to graduate this spring and split his time between day shifts at the renaissance fair and night shifts at the local GameStop.

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