running – The Gatekeeper

By Mo Macsai-Goren

GLENVIEW, ILLINOIS – Redeeming himself from last year’s hot sauce subscription box debacle, local teen Jacob Taylor surprised his father, Glenn, Saturday morning by letting him know that he signed the whole family up for a 5K fun run for charity that starts at 6 in the morning on Father’s day.

Usually considered a day of rest and relaxation for father’s everywhere, Taylor has decided to subvert the usual father’s day activities by making his entire family run for the first time in years.

“I just wanted my dad to know how special he is to me,” Taylor told Gatekeeper reporters. “I mean, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate all the hard work he has put into raising me than by waking him up early to exercise in public.

Although unavailable for comment, sources close to Glenn Taylor have confirmed that he does, in fact, plan on running the 5K, as long as he can eat a full lunch immediately after (at 8:15 a.m.) and fall asleep within 7 minutes of turning the game on.

The 10th annual Kirkpatrick Memorial Fun Run begins at 6 a.m. on the high school’s football field. For some reason, there will be a live band, a booth run by the YMCA, and Gatorade-sponsored refueling stations for when you inevitably throw up as you cross the finish line.

By Mo Macsai-Goren

ST. LOUIS – High school senior and all-around weirdo Sebastian Gilbert caused quite a scene Monday morning as he sprinted at full speed through the hallway during the passing period before lunch.

Gilbert, known for his profound love of trapper-keepers and love for My Chemical Romance was followed close behind by his weirdly huge roller backpack, which he brings everywhere.

Although a motive is still unknown, rumors that Gilbert left his steampunk hat and attachable ferret tail adhesive in AP Stats have been circulating the cafeteria during the following period.

“It always seems to be the kids with the roller backpacks who are always sprinting for no reason,” fellow student Josh Cambridge said. “What do they know that we don’t…?”

This marks Gilbert’s third impromptu scamper through the halls in the past week, raising questions from some concerned faculty and members of the custodial staff.

“That kid definitely thinks he’s some kind of sorcerer,” Custodian Carl Daniels said. “Also I’m pretty sure he makes his own beef jerky in that trapper keeper and let me tell you, it is rancid.”

Carl Gilbert is expected to graduate this spring and split his time between day shifts at the renaissance fair and night shifts at the local GameStop.

Tag: running

Involuntary Participation in 5K Given as Father’s Day Gift

Kid With Roller Backpack Running Through Halls Again