By David Colton

DES MOINES, IA — The party room in the back corner of Bowlerama was rented out for the third and final time Thursday afternoon as local scoundrel Björbis van Snood began preparations for his fourth annual Tournament of Madness.

“Prepare yourselves, for it is I! Björbis the scoundrel, arrived once more to shepherd and extract your worst fears and most twisted nightmares in the name of advertising!” van Snood said, speaking to a small crowd comprised mainly of confused seniors and leftover kids from the 3 o’clock birthday party.

Although all the flyers say this is the competition’s third year, there seems to be little evidence to suggest anyone has ever seen or met this man, let alone agreed to participate in anything called the ‘Tournament of Madness.’

“People ask me ‘Björbis, how do you juggle all of this? I mean, you’re the curator of a massively successful tournament, you harvest your own dark yeast and you’re putting four kids through college?’” van Snood said, “I tell them ‘Hey, if Johnny Depp can do it, I can do it.’”

As patrons slowly began trickling out of the bowling alley, van Snood made it clear he and his giant interactive presentation weren’t going anywhere.

“This is just the beginning for you plebian fools,” said van Snood, standing in line to return his little bowling shoes, “Come on, guys. You have no idea what kind of effort I put into this setup. The winner gets a Dave ‘n Busters gift card!

Seriously, I have this room rented out for like, six more hours.”