Submissive Rock Musician Considers Self More of a ZZ Bottom

By Mo Macsai-Goren

HOUSTON – Fake beards and half-assed ZZ Top puns were in abundance as Mark Portobello and his bandmates sought to defend their title as “Houston’s best ZZ Top Cover band” for the third year running at the Rock Dock lounge late Thursday night.

What started as a friendly competition between regional middle-aged rockers who all work at the same guitar center took an unexpected turn when ZZ Slop’s set was cut short after Portobello, the frontman, came to the realization that he now considers himself more of a ZZ bottom.

“Hey, people change over time,” Portobello tole Gatekeeper reporters. “Nothing is set in stone and I think I’ve become more submissive over the years. Do you…do you think I can get the guitar to play me..?”

While Gatekeeper reporters are still trying to figure out what exactly Portobello meant by that, updates to his various dating app profiles indicate that the change is, at least for now, here to stay.

Portobello’s bandmates have indicated that they are actively searching for a new frontman who can dominate both on stage and off.

More to come.

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