Spotify Wrapped Really Not Letting You Forget Breakup

By David Colton

YOUR PAST — Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas lights are up, winter coats are on and it’s time to reflect on the challenges you failed to overcome in 2019.

As they do around this date every year, Spotify has released their annual “Year Wrapped” collection of data from your year of listening.

Once again, it’s painfully clear that the majority of time you spent listening to music was curled up into a ball in the corner of your studio apartment, crying into your AirPods case.

When you initially visited the site, you were looking forward to seeing your 2019 favorites like Lizzo, Post Malone and Billie Eilish.

Instead, you were met with a harsh wake-up call to the tune of the Boygenius EP. He didn’t even like Lucy Daucus, so it was sort of empowering to listen to right when the breakup happened, but over time it just made you sad.

It’s also obvious that he still shares your Spotify. I mean, unless you listened to 34 hours of Metallica. Don’t worry — even though everyone is sharing their fun, happy listening history and your #2 is that Sarah McLachlan dead animals song, nobody will reach out when you post that cry-for-help of a list.
You can rest assured that everyone cares far more about you seeing their list than anything actually having to do with you.

Perfectly Good DJ Khaled Song Ruined by DJ Khaled

By Pitchfork

LOS ANGELES – Interrupting his way to the top of the Billboard 100 charts, music mogul DJ Khaled has yet again established one of his star-studded tracks as the song of the summer.

What could have been a revelatory synthesis of pop, reggaeton, EDM, and house music featuring the biggest names in each genre ultimately floundered as Khaled yet again self-sabotaged his single by shouting nonsensical, atonal ad-libs and using his three year old son as a vessel for TUMS™️ product placement.

“We the best music!” Khaled shouted over the gorgeous bridge sung by TDE artist SZA, completely ruining SZA’s attempt to convince the audience this was a real song. “Remember to buy new FAST REACTZ by TUMS to curb your heartburn and symptoms of indigestion!”

Although Khaled has been a mainstay in the Top 100 charts for the last 7 years, each and every one on his songs has been sufficiently ruined by his grating, way-too-loud voice interrupting what could have been a great song.

Hans Zimmer Worried New Score Doesn’t Have Enough BWAAAAAMPS

By Mo Macsai-Goren

HOLLYWOOD – Sweating his way through yet another all-nighter, Oscar-winning composer Hans Zimmer expressed doubt early this morning that his latest score has enough repetitive, deafening bass to live up to his most notable work.

Zimmer had almost completed the score for a new untitled Christopher Nolan project when he realized it was lacking the proper number of cacophonous bass notes required to legally consider it a Hans Zimmer score. Worried, he frantically added booming bass “Bwaaaaaaamps” at seemingly random intervals throughout the film.

“It doesn’t really matter where they are,” Zimmer told Gatekeeper reporters. “As long as Cillian Murphy is on screen and there’s been over four minutes suspenseful buildup through continuous shrill violin note, I can put them wherever I want.”

Given that Christoper Nolan is at the helm of this untitled project, these two features appear simultaneously every 8 minutes.

“The people know what they want,” Zimmer continued. “Every score I compose is comprised of deep bass, atonal church organ and clock ticking. If I don’t deliver enough of each, they’re going to replace me with Ramin Djawadi. I’m going to add a few more just to be safe.”

Although the project is not scheduled to be released for another year, Zimmer is on a tight deadline before he resumes his completely sold out orchestral tour of every single European city for some reason.

Submissive Rock Musician Considers Self More of a ZZ Bottom

By Mo Macsai-Goren

HOUSTON – Fake beards and half-assed ZZ Top puns were in abundance as Mark Portobello and his bandmates sought to defend their title as “Houston’s best ZZ Top Cover band” for the third year running at the Rock Dock lounge late Thursday night.

What started as a friendly competition between regional middle-aged rockers who all work at the same guitar center took an unexpected turn when ZZ Slop’s set was cut short after Portobello, the frontman, came to the realization that he now considers himself more of a ZZ bottom.

“Hey, people change over time,” Portobello tole Gatekeeper reporters. “Nothing is set in stone and I think I’ve become more submissive over the years. Do you…do you think I can get the guitar to play me..?”

While Gatekeeper reporters are still trying to figure out what exactly Portobello meant by that, updates to his various dating app profiles indicate that the change is, at least for now, here to stay.

Portobello’s bandmates have indicated that they are actively searching for a new frontman who can dominate both on stage and off.

More to come.

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar

 

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.

Chainsmokers Retire From Music After Seeing Real Life Piano

By David Colton

CONCERT WITH INSTRUMENTS – After being asked to play at every State School in the country, computer-touchers and frat stars The Chainsmokers retired from music Monday following a harrowing encounter with a grand piano.

“We were walking into our green room, which was filled with molly and bitches,” explains Andrew Toggart, who makes up half of the duo, “when we walked in, there was this huge black thing just looking us dead in the face.”

That “black thing,” of course, turned out to be a grand piano, which neither of the duo had apparently heard of.

“I won’t lie, I’ve never been so horrified in my entire life,” says Alex Pall, whose name is comically similar to his counterpart’s, “It just sat there and taunted us… it was some sort of hypersophisticated technology neither of us had ever seen before.”

After encountering the grand piano, which has asked to remain anonymous, the duo fled in Scooby-Doo like fashion.

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The DJ’s, who probably met at a tailgate, have been touching computers since 2010, when their track #SELFIE, which was just horrible, was released.

In other news, this is a real quote from Alex Pall from an interview with Billboard. Yes, this is actually a real thing:

“Even before success, pussy was number one… Like, ‘Why am I trying to make all this money?’ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model … We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

These “frat bro-dudes,” who have their actual penis sizes advertised on their website, have been near the top of the charts for a long, long time. Way to go, America.

Farewell, Aux Cord: A Eulogy

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By Nick Rainey

 

Dear friend,

You will be forever remembered as a beautiful memory of joyous occasions. You brought us times of great unity, times of great achievement, as well as many times of comfort for us. Times where you could share your wonderful music taste with your friends on your way to various destinations, from trips to school to parties, and of course those times where you absolutely jammed your way to the grocery store. You’ve amassed a following, where a generation has depicted such momentous occasions in beautifully funny memes. Such can be explained in the situation:

When you’re bumping fire and your friend says, “Hey, what song is that?” and your reaction is depicted by this comical Russell Westbrook Picture:

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Yes, with the highs, there were the few lows. We all experienced the times of trash being played by a friend and causing us to casually throw them out of a speeding car or responding with the ever so relevant Kodak Black reaction.

c1408561ee19aa5453f8eb5fa098139d.jpgWe’ve stayed with you through it all, even the transition to Bluetooth connecting. We don’t want to point blame for your downfall, but we are grateful for the time shared with you. May you find the peace that we have found utilizing your great power.

 

Farewell, dear friend, you will be missed.