Submissive Rock Musician Considers Self More of a ZZ Bottom

By Mo Macsai-Goren

HOUSTON – Fake beards and half-assed ZZ Top puns were in abundance as Mark Portobello and his bandmates sought to defend their title as “Houston’s best ZZ Top Cover band” for the third year running at the Rock Dock lounge late Thursday night.

What started as a friendly competition between regional middle-aged rockers who all work at the same guitar center took an unexpected turn when ZZ Slop’s set was cut short after Portobello, the frontman, came to the realization that he now considers himself more of a ZZ bottom.

“Hey, people change over time,” Portobello tole Gatekeeper reporters. “Nothing is set in stone and I think I’ve become more submissive over the years. Do you…do you think I can get the guitar to play me..?”

While Gatekeeper reporters are still trying to figure out what exactly Portobello meant by that, updates to his various dating app profiles indicate that the change is, at least for now, here to stay.

Portobello’s bandmates have indicated that they are actively searching for a new frontman who can dominate both on stage and off.

More to come.

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar


Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.