Category: Campus

By David Colton

MADISON, WI — After kicking off the semester by declaring to his parents and anyone who would listen that he will finally become organized, local student Vern Puttle once again proved that he cannot keep a promise even to himself.

Little Vernon Puttle had been in school for just two days when his English teacher told him he had a quiz in a week.

That was the last time he would open it for three weeks.

“I wrote down the word ‘study’ three weeks ago and I haven’t had any quizzes or tests yet,” said Vern Puttle, whose backpack is full of crumpled loose-leaf paper, “I’m probably good, right?”

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO — As classes wind down and work gets pushed off, many students wrapping up their time at college find themselves missing something.

The wait is finally over.

According section 3, article 2 of the recently enacted ‘murder omnibus’ bill, “Students may exert homicidal privilege over one (1) group member if they feel they deserve it.”

This comes at a time when Kyle still hasn’t even fucking asked for the link to the google doc that has all of the group work saved on there.

Although it is unclear whether your other team members are as keen on ending Kyle’s life as you are, I think you have enough motivation to go around.

He doesn’t even spend the time to come up with a good excuse. And he always backs out of meetings five minutes before.

Just last week, we were scheduled to meet and finalize our Prezi, and Kyle said he “Would come over as soon as the game is over”

WHAT FUCKING GAME, KYLE?

The new law gives team members the option to allow the homicidee to choose the way they’d like to go out, but Kyle doesn’t really deserve that.

Gather the hounds.

By David Colton

LEATHER CHAIR—Authorities Sunday morning identified the body of 38-year old Barley K. Mouth, whose sleep-like appearance prevented students from recognizing that the rare coin collector was actually dead.

“We knew Barley was going to die in that chair,” said Linda Mouth, Barley’s longtime lover and work associate. “I don’t think he knew, though.”

Barley’s cause of death was technically unknown, although The Gatekeeper has received reports via anonymous tips that he was set on participating in an internet phenomenon known as “Galoshing.”

Unfortunately, “Galoshing” has nothing to do with galoshes, but actually involves ingesting as many canisters of Tostitos Spinach Dip as possible over the course of six hours. Mouth, as it turns out, was set on becoming the record holder—but he knew he might have to pay a deadly consequence.

“Yeah, it’s too bad that guy died or whatever, but he honestly had no chance compared to this dope shit right here,” said Trace DuToot, who requested that we omit passing gas jokes.

DuToot is the defending champion of the North and Central American division of the International Galoshing Society, and last year downed a haunting 45 jars of spinach dip. Trace also says he has no plans of backing down from his most recent threat, issued over Google Plus, to galosh at Mouth’s funeral.

Authorities believe that although they did not find any evidence of Tostitos Spinach Dip around the scene of Barley’s death, a postmortem revealed nearly four pounds of an unknown chip dip. It wasn’t until the official autopsy that MU Officials finally revealed that the dip was, in fact, Tostitos Spinach Dip.

MU Chairman of Spinach Operations Norton Chest sent a campus-wide e-mail Sunday afternoon:

“Dear Students, we are so incredibly saddened to hear that Barley K. Mouth, a longtime friend of the University, was killed by spinach dip this weekend in the Student Center. Luckily, Barley had just finished paying off his loans, so thank god, am I right?

Anyway, there will be a candlelit vigil in Jesse hall, and I have personally requested that coroners allow me to present the body in open casket; and I dully request that each of you brings a container of Tostito’s Spinach Dip in order to honor the body of Barley by spreading it all over him. Thus, he can finally be at peace, and we can return to normal spinach operations.

In the meantime, we ask only that you galosh responsibly and always keep your nose tuned for the distinct scent of death, in case this were to happen again. Six days is a long time, I’m just saying. Like, people definitely go down there every day and hang out in the same spots, right? Did he look that much like he was sleeping? Whatever. Good luck, and be careful with the spinach, kids.

Yours truly, Norton Chest”

Luickily for the Mouth family, Gatekeeper reporters discovered through revolutionary in-depth reporting the amount of spinach dip that Barley ate that fateful Tuesday afternoon, and the answer is 65. 65 full jars of Tostito’s Spinach Dip in approximately two hours, and Barley’s heart stopped.

So why did Barley keep going after breaking the record? Linda Mouth knows.

“He just loved the game that much… he was willing to die for spinach dip.”