New Record! University-Issued Student Planner Opened Twice

By David Colton

MADISON, WI — After kicking off the semester by declaring to his parents and anyone who would listen that he will finally become organized, local student Vern Puttle once again proved that he cannot keep a promise even to himself.

Little Vernon Puttle had been in school for just two days when his English teacher told him he had a quiz in a week.

That was the last time he would open it for three weeks.

“I wrote down the word ‘study’ three weeks ago and I haven’t had any quizzes or tests yet,” said Vern Puttle, whose backpack is full of crumpled loose-leaf paper, “I’m probably good, right?”

Dad Announced as Commencement Speaker for Homeschool Graduation

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Surprising the entire faculty and student body alike, the office of the Dean of the Homeschool has announced that Dad will be this year’s highly coveted commencement speaker at the ceremony on May 11.

This decision to select Dad follows The office of the Dean of the Homeschool’s controversial selection of Aunt Linda last year, who chugged a bottle of bourbon in between exchanging platitudes with eh graduation class of one.

Known for his horrendous karaoke versions of Beatles songs and thin temper when nobody can decide where to go out to eat, Dad is expected to discuss success, failure, the beauty of knowledge, and almost certainly walk out onstage to a Black Eyed Peas Song someone in his office told him was still relevant.

When asked if he was excited to be the commencement speaker, Dad could barely contain himself.

“Oh, I can’t wait,” Dad said. “I’ll have to dust off my old cap and gown and maybe get a haircut. You know? I might actually get all of them cut.”

Dad is expected to speak at 2 pm in the living room on May 11.

Final Group Project Allows You to Kill Off One Team Member

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO — As classes wind down and work gets pushed off, many students wrapping up their time at college find themselves missing something.

The wait is finally over.

According section 3, article 2 of the recently enacted ‘murder omnibus’ bill, “Students may exert homicidal privilege over one (1) group member if they feel they deserve it.”

This comes at a time when Kyle still hasn’t even fucking asked for the link to the google doc that has all of the group work saved on there.

Although it is unclear whether your other team members are as keen on ending Kyle’s life as you are, I think you have enough motivation to go around.

He doesn’t even spend the time to come up with a good excuse. And he always backs out of meetings five minutes before.

Just last week, we were scheduled to meet and finalize our Prezi, and Kyle said he “Would come over as soon as the game is over”

WHAT FUCKING GAME, KYLE?

The new law gives team members the option to allow the homicidee to choose the way they’d like to go out, but Kyle doesn’t really deserve that.

Gather the hounds.

Graduating Senior Excited to Finally Fulfill Hurtful Superlative

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO — The very same day Sarah Fondant joined her sorority, she knew she would be making wonderful, lasting memories with a wonderful group of people.

The past four years haven’t been easy for Sarah, who was only able to secure a few close friends despite constantly being forced to attend group events. However, she said she’s finally ready to fulfill her destiny.

“They voted me ‘most likely to become second-in-command at a midsized corporation,’” said Sarah Fondant, president of the university’s Economics society, “What is this, fucking J.D. Power & Associates?”

Sarah said she actually loves J.D. Power & Associates even though it’s unclear who they are and what they do, and she said she’s ready to give professional life a shot. She said she was surprised to win the award, and expected it to go to her colleague Heather.

Heather finished second in votes for this category, but she did receive the coveted “Most Likely to Invent a New Type of Cheese Puff” award, which has gone to super-senior Wanda Thumb for three straight years.

This year, Wanda finally backed out of the competition, admitting that she’s actually 38.

Drunk Friend Also Bad Friend

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, SC — As it turns out, Kyle Murdoch literally lives for bottomless wells. At least, that’s what he kept repeating as he stumbled through Willie’s Sports Bar Thursday, spilling both of the vodka Redbulls he had — one in each hand.

“You should just go for her, dude,” said Kyle, identifying a woman who clearly just wanted to enjoy time with her friends, “she’s a straight smoke.”

Before belting every word to ‘Freebird’ — including a riveting, spot-on vocal rendition of the seven-minute guitar solo — Murdoch made sure he told all three friends he was with how much he loved them.

But these statements of affection quickly turned sour as the 20-year-old began to figure out his friends were slightly annoyed with him.

“Bro, you guys are being fucking cocks,” said Kyle, who has never met or asked about the family of anyone in the friend group, “I’m sick of having such shitty friends.”

“We were supposed to be brothers.”

After 20 minutes of simultaneously sulking and attempting to hit on women with his eyes, Kyle resigned to posting snap stories that objectified people he didn’t know.

At one point, Kyle was fully passed out on the bar, and it was clear he would need to be carried home. During the 30-minute walk home, Murdoch had to be supported on both sides, and fought the friends helping him the entire time.

UPDATE: This morning, Kyle asked why his friends didn’t get him laid last night.

“When I black, I like to black hard, bro. You guys are bad friends.”

Headphones Untangled Just in Time to Hear Roommate Orgasm

By David Colton

FRESHMAN DORMS — When Jeffery Stokes inched open the door to his shared dorm room Thursday night, he could immediately tell something was amiss.

“Yeah, as soon as I walked in Stu said hi and asked how my night was,” said Jeffery, who has an 8 a.m. tomorrow. “We hadn’t spoken in months, so I knew what was happening.”

Jeffery said this wasn’t the first time he’d interrupted Stu’s nightly ritual, which usually takes place one to several times between dusk and dawn.

“It’s sort of like a race, because as soon as he thinks I’m out of earshot he goes right back to pulling his taffy,” Jeffery said, “I sleep six feet away.”

Jeffery describes a riveting ninety-second sound competition where he has to get his headphones into his earholes before Stu’s hand-to-gland combat comes to a close.

“He thinks that by turning the volume on his phone most of the way down I won’t be able to hear him use the voice function to search goblin porn,” said Jeffery, who listens to the preliminary stages of Stu’s one-man-tug-of-war every night.

Jeffery said the goblin porn sounds strangely human, from what he can tell.

“I usually get my headphones untangled just in time to hear the mythical foreplay end,” said Jeffery, “but right about when the warlock makes his third reappearance is when I start to hear super heavy breathing.”

Existential Crisis Put on Hold For Spring Break

By Dovis Macson-Coltai

CANCUN – Hopelessly trying to make beer pong shots before the nihilistic dread from last week came rushing back in, University of Arizona senior Tyler Cuncke reminded himself that this week was about having fun.

“I just knew that in order to be officially considered a naturalized American citizen, I had to learn to crush brews,” said Cuncke, who was interviewed as practice for a potential PR internship, “It’s all about reaching out, touching base and putting our heads together.”

The fifth-year junior and all-around fraternity legend had previously decided to put his ongoing existential crisis on pause to enjoy the cornucopia of pleasurable sin that spring break in Cancun had in store.

“Instead of thinking about my lack of job prospects or the fact that I’m costing my parents a hundred thousand extra dollars so I can finish Intro to Ceramics, I just think about Fireball,” Cunke said.

“Who needs future plans when I have a Tapout shirt and enough tequila in me to enjoy Pitbull?”

Mr. Worldwide, although he wasn’t there physically, was sure to attend the conference in spirit, speaking via WhatsApp on behalf of every single person with a calf/forearm tattoo.

“Follow the ink, baby,” said Pitbull, speaking from an Oakley Enthusiast group meeting in Reno, “It’s all about those mid-muscle portrayals, you know what I’m saying?”

Various staff members at the all-inclusive beachside resort Cunke and his cohorts decided they would ruin this week, and reported seeing him weeping over the continental breakfast before composing himself, unbuttoning his entire shirt, and pounding Bud Light Lime(s).

(Op-Ed) Yes, I Do Have To Do My Sit-Ups in the Sauna

By Angus “Squid” Turpentine

Every morning, I wake up at 9:46 a.m. and sit in bed for four minutes, scroll through Brietbart Sports and drink my leftover OJ from 6 p.m. the night before. On my way downstairs, I always stop by the coal cauldron and grab a few lumps of our nation’s proudest flammable export. By the time I get out the door, I’ve got a sack full o’coal and have already walked over 60 steps, and I’m not looking to mess around.

I sprint the first six blocks, which are at a 13.5 percent incline, and get my heart rate going faster than a pristinely bred ferret on race day. Then, I stop and open my linen drawstring bag to make sure all the coal is still in there. Of course, it always is. As I jog the next seven miles to the YMCA, I rotate between calisthenics like the shuffle, karaoke and more.

There’s no stopping this.

When I finally trot up to the wood dungeon, I make it very well known why I’m there. I’m there to tone core and score some lady sweat. Not literally, obviously. Those days are far behind me. But nay, there be no denyin’ it. The lassies that swing through the sauna, aye, they be the ones with the most sweat to lose. Not that it’s different for guys. Men are equal.

So, to answer your question guy, yeah. I do need to do my sit-ups in the sauna. And if you’ve got a problem, you can tell it to these scorching hot rocks. And I’m not talking about my rock-hard buns. Not yet, at least.

Suck on that, Jonathan. Go back to the steam room, peasant.

Consider yourself inked.

Dead man makes it six days slumped in student center basement

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By David Colton

LEATHER CHAIR—Authorities Sunday morning identified the body of 38-year old Barley K. Mouth, whose sleep-like appearance prevented students from recognizing that the rare coin collector was actually dead.

“We knew Barley was going to die in that chair,” said Linda Mouth, Barley’s longtime lover and work associate. “I don’t think he knew, though.”

Barley’s cause of death was technically unknown, although The Gatekeeper has received reports via anonymous tips that he was set on participating in an internet phenomenon known as “Galoshing.”

Unfortunately, “Galoshing” has nothing to do with galoshes, but actually involves ingesting as many canisters of Tostitos Spinach Dip as possible over the course of six hours. Mouth, as it turns out, was set on becoming the record holder—but he knew he might have to pay a deadly consequence.tostitos-dip-creamy-spinach.png

“Yeah, it’s too bad that guy died or whatever, but he honestly had no chance compared to this dope shit right here,” said Trace DuToot, who requested that we omit passing gas jokes.

DuToot is the defending champion of the North and Central American division of the International Galoshing Society, and last year downed a haunting 45 jars of spinach dip. Trace also says he has no plans of backing down from his most recent threat, issued over Google Plus, to galosh at Mouth’s funeral.

Authorities believe that although they did not find any evidence of Tostitos Spinach Dip around the scene of Barley’s death, a postmortem revealed nearly four pounds of an unknown chip dip. It wasn’t until the official autopsy that MU Officials finally revealed that the dip was, in fact, Tostitos Spinach Dip.

MU Chairman of Spinach Operations Norton Chest sent a campus-wide e-mail Sunday afternoon:

“Dear Students, we are so incredibly saddened to hear that Barley K. Mouth, a longtime friend of the University, was killed by spinach dip this weekend in the Student Center. Luckily, Barley had just finished paying off his loans, so thank god, am I right?

Anyway, there will be a candlelit vigil in Jesse hall, and I have personally requested that coroners allow me to present the body in open casket; and I dully request that each of you brings a container of Tostito’s Spinach Dip in order to honor the body of Barley by spreading it all over him. Thus, he can finally be at peace, and we can return to normal spinach operations.

In the meantime, we ask only that you galosh responsibly and always keep your nose tuned for the distinct scent of death, in case this were to happen again. Six days is a long time, I’m just saying. Like, people definitely go down there every day and hang out in the same spots, right? Did he look that much like he was sleeping? Whatever. Good luck, and be careful with the spinach, kids.

Yours truly, Norton Chest

Luickily for the Mouth family, Gatekeeper reporters discovered through revolutionary in-depth reporting the amount of spinach dip that Barley ate that fateful Tuesday afternoon, and the answer is 65. 65 full jars of Tostito’s Spinach Dip in approximately two hours, and Barley’s heart stopped.

So why did Barley keep going after breaking the record? Linda Mouth knows.

“He just loved the game that much… he was willing to die for spinach dip.”