INDIANA, USA – After months of deliberation between judges, the Vegetable Advocate Group announced Thursday that the 2019 title for least interesting food would be retained by Celery, who came out on top of a narrow race with water (ice form).
Celery representatives were thrilled to receive the honor for the eighth consecutive year, celebrating with a little ranch and maybe even some cheese whiz.
“We’re beyond honored,” said celery advocate Lint Lemming, “people are finally starting to understand that when you eat celery, you’re actually losing calories!”
Water (ice form) representatives could not be reached following the tight race, which was championed in the closing moments by celery when people realized that it really wasn’t even that good with ranch.
Water (ice form), on the other hand, goes stunningly with almost any beverage, and its only selling point in this competition was that it sort of ruins milk.
This competition was televised on the hotel menu screen of several Drury Inn & Suites across the Midwest, and received the highest ratings it has since the great tomato discrepancy of 1988.
THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.
“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”
However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.
“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”
The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.
“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”
GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.
This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.
“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”
Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.
“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”
The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.
“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”
SPEAKER’S CIRCLE – This morning, students on their way to class had a bit of a scare.
“I was walking, and I saw that guy standing there, and he just mouthed the words ‘I have a knife’” explains sophomore Georgio Philliniamani, “he didn’t seem angry or anything, just kind of like he wanted me to know he had it.”
Speaker’s Circle has always been known as a place where people of all backgrounds can come together; knife holders and civilians alike.
“Honestly this is what we’re all about,” explained interim administrator Rob Blagojevich, “we’re really just trying to make this campus more inclusive to kids of all demographics.”
The man was seen standing on the outskirts of speaker’s circle without a backpack, which some witnesses say is “a little unsettling.”
“I’ve just never seen someone wear that outfit that wasn’t either going to stab me or in a Hanes commercial, and I’ve just been praying Michael Jordan will come out from behind him and take the tag from his shirt; take him down a peg,” explains junior Ryan Goose.
UPDATE: He keeps doing this thing where he slicks his hair back and then snaps immediately after.
THE BLUE NOTE—Early this morning, local EDM advocator and MU student Thom Bulge expressed confusion about the drop in MU enrollment for 2016.
“I heard about the enrollment drop and god super psyched,” explains Thom, “I love hearing about new artists, and Enrollment is already one of my favorites.”
Bulge apparently thinks ‘Enrollment’ is a Progressive House side-project collaboration between DJ Lactaid and O.B.G.Y.N., two of the most well-known producers in the business.
“We’ve tried over and over again to explain to Thom that the enrollment drop is not sick,” explains Thom’s mother, Shauna Bulge, “but he just continues to insist that we just need to ‘wait for it,’ and I don’t even know what that means.
Somehow, even though he lived through the campus climate last fall, Bulge has no idea anything has changed at all.
“Honestly, I’m just pumped for Louis the Child to come dance in front of their computers again this month,” explains Bulge, “their drops are moderately sick.”
The Gatekeeper sat down with Bulge this week and explained to him that the enrollment drop was actually a drop in students attending MU, perpetuated by systematic oppression from positions of leadership and national media attention. Bulge, however, held constant to his stance, saying he “never even left Greektown,” because “why would he?”
BARRY ODOM’S SAD EYES– In developing news, the University of Missouri football team has announced that they will give up following Saturday’s loss to Georgia.
“We keep trying to play football, and it keeps not working,” explains J’mon Moore, whose hands are made of liquid, “it seems like the world is just working against us.”
After Saturday’s heartbreaking loss, head coach Barry Odom brought the team into the locker room for some choice words.
The following is an excerpt from Odom’s speech:
“Alright guys, I’m not gonna lie to you, I would much rather just give up and go get some Taco Bell. I mean, if anyone objects, please do, but clearly this whole ‘football’ deal isn’t our thing.”
Mizzou held the lead for the vast majority of the game, but lost it with 1:50 left. Then, redshirt freshman Drew Lock threw a beautiful pass to J’mon Moore, who was distracted by a passing pigeon and fumbled the ball.
The loss is just one of many for the team this year, but is hardly the most tragic.
“I think we were all pretty shaken up when T-Bell got rid of the Beefy Crunch Burrito,” explains offensive lineman Darby Hent, “this sucks too though.”