Real news. Kind of.
King me, mom and dad!
I hear he’s letting her take the dog. Can you believe that?
Get cheese, pepperoni, or even sausage! The possibilities are truly endless.
Your professor hasn’t put any exams put in yet, so the actual grade is higher than it looks.
Make sure you forget to move your lotion off of your nightstand.
By David Colton
Here are some super fun ways you can get to know your local police!
Don’t even think about sippin’ that silly juice when it comes time for college fun!
Think you can get away with having relatives who can break the law? Think again!
The ratio is always most important. Even to the cops.
Thought walking was a safe alternative? Think again!
No matter what you do, or where you go out, just make sure you’re ready to have your week ruined by a 35-year old man wearing sports sunglasses at night.
By David Colton
ERIC’S STEPDAD’S BASEMENT—In an absolutely unexpected and altogether captivating display of events, the two most underwhelming clubs at Jefferson High met on Wednesday afternoon.
“We really think this decision is for the best,” said Dungeons club president Phillip Wendel, “our guys have been wanting to meet some other people for their entire lives, really.”
The Dungeons club, which is made up of four members, was initially conceived by the mothers of the prestigious club’s four members, who have yet to see the light of day.
The Dragons club, on the other hand, has their own thing going.
“Yeah we usually just sit, drink milk, and discuss dragons,” says Dragons club president Yurt Mooney, “it’s usually pretty lit; that is, lit from the fire of a Chinese Fireball.”
The name “Social Anxiety Club” stems from each of the clubs’ deep-seated love for Percy Jackson & the Olympians fan fiction.
The meeting, which is set to take place around 3:00, is said to “maybe have some snacks, depending on Eric’s mom” and is even rumored to “have like, so much milk.”
I will not be attending this meeting.
The Gatekeeper 