felt – The Gatekeeper

Man Interrupts Woman To Deny Interrupting Woman

February 26, 2019March 2, 2019Posted in LocalTagged Dillon, featured, felt, Masculinity, milk, milky felt, St. LouisLeave a comment

By David Colton

ST. LOUIS– Dillon Cox dropped the cold, hard truth on his girlfriend Skye Monday afternoon when he stopped her critique of his social tendencies mid-sentence to shut down whatever she was about to say.

“I would never cut you off,” Dillon said, “I’m so sick of you making this all about you.”

This comes at a time when Dillon has not been wrong about anything in his entire life, especially when it comes to the ladies.

The fight initially began when Skye asked Dillon to put his plate in the dishwasher and he stopped her short, responding “What is up with you and wet ceramics?”

When asked, Skye said months of vague text fights led up to this moment.

“I just sort of looked at where this relationship was at and decided I wasn’t going to let him dictate my ceramic capabilities, no matter how right he constantly is.”

Skye admits that Dillon does, in fact, have a louder voice than she does, and said they have tested this many times in various settings.

She also said that Dillon is a good guy, and just needs a little help getting back on his feet.

“Men are so under attack these days. It almost makes me not want to have sons,” Dillon said unprompted.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over

January 24, 2017Posted in LocalTagged car, dad, felt, gatekeeper, milk, milkwater, mizzou, mo macsai goren, satire, waterLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening.

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.

Celery Wins 8th Consecutive Title for Least Interesting Food

November 30, 2016April 11, 2019Posted in Campus, LocalTagged celery, competition, felt, food, funny, lame, mizzou, satire, team, uninterestingLeave a comment

By David Colton

INDIANA, USA – After months of deliberation between judges, the Vegetable Advocate Group announced Thursday that the 2019 title for least interesting food would be retained by Celery, who came out on top of a narrow race with water (ice form).

Celery representatives were thrilled to receive the honor for the eighth consecutive year, celebrating with a little ranch and maybe even some cheese whiz.

“We’re beyond honored,” said celery advocate Lint Lemming, “people are finally starting to understand that when you eat celery, you’re actually losing calories!”

Water (ice form) representatives could not be reached following the tight race, which was championed in the closing moments by celery when people realized that it really wasn’t even that good with ranch.

Water (ice form), on the other hand, goes stunningly with almost any beverage, and its only selling point in this competition was that it sort of ruins milk.

This competition was televised on the hotel menu screen of several Drury Inn & Suites across the Midwest, and received the highest ratings it has since the great tomato discrepancy of 1988.

Guy you don’t know at Thanksgiving knows your middle name

November 24, 2016November 24, 2016Posted in Local, NationalTagged creepy, felt, funny, mizzou, satire, thanksgiving, turkey, uncleLeave a comment

By David Colton

SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE—After several walk-by’s confirmed that you do not, in fact, know that guy sitting at the end of the table, sources confirmed Thursday that he knows most things about you, including your middle name and major.

“Jason, isn’t it?” said the guy, who wore a t-shirt and acid wash jeans to Thanksgiving, “Jason Delores Young, you’ve really grown since the last time I saw you!”

This “last time” has remained ambiguous throughout the entire day, as has this man’s connection to the family.

“Yeah, I think we’re all kinda too scared to ask,” said Aunt Trudy, “He said he was uncle Henry’s kid… do we have an uncle Henry?”

UPDATE (9:30 pm) After several hours of deliberation, the family has determined that this man is not related to anyone, and is going to be the last person to leave your cousins’ house.

Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

October 19, 2016Posted in Local, National, SocialTagged china, felt, funny, political, satire, stances, trumpLeave a comment

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

Papa John loses custody battle

September 27, 2016September 27, 2016Posted in NationalTagged felt, johns, kids, lost, papa, pizza, sadLeave a comment

By Lars Gills

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN- “Papa” John Schnatter received some devastating news this weekend. As the CEO of the popular pizza chain Papa John’s left an LA county courthouse, he was visibly distraught. His attorney, conveniently named Lyle Crust, addressed the media this morning.

“My client was informed Tuesday that he would not be allowed custody or visitation rights of his three children” Crust told reporters. This news comes after the pizza giant’s split with wife Annette last October. Sources close to the family have speculated that the split was over Schnatter’s alleged affair with Lisa Malnati, Daughter of Chicago deep-dish king Lou.

Just over an hour ago, Papa John’s released a statement via Facebook that reads as follows: “We are deeply saddened by the news about John’s family. In order to stay true to our customers, we will be rebranding our company, starting with our slogan: “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza. John’s”. There is no word yet as to if the Chain will drop the “Papa” to respect Schnatter’s deteriorating familial situation.

Chainsmokers Retire From Music After Seeing Real Life Piano

September 19, 2016August 28, 2019Posted in NationalTagged chainsmokers, felt, gone, music, piano, retireLeave a comment

By David Colton

CONCERT WITH INSTRUMENTS – After being asked to play at every State School in the country, computer-touchers and frat stars The Chainsmokers retired from music Monday following a harrowing encounter with a grand piano.

“We were walking into our green room, which was filled with molly and bitches,” explains Andrew Toggart, who makes up half of the duo, “when we walked in, there was this huge black thing just looking us dead in the face.”

That “black thing,” of course, turned out to be a grand piano, which neither of the duo had apparently heard of.

“I won’t lie, I’ve never been so horrified in my entire life,” says Alex Pall, whose name is comically similar to his counterpart’s, “It just sat there and taunted us… it was some sort of hypersophisticated technology neither of us had ever seen before.”

After encountering the grand piano, which has asked to remain anonymous, the duo fled in Scooby-Doo like fashion.

The DJ’s, who probably met at a tailgate, have been touching computers since 2010, when their track #SELFIE, which was just horrible, was released.

In other news, this is a real quote from Alex Pall from an interview with Billboard. Yes, this is actually a real thing:

“Even before success, pussy was number one… Like, ‘Why am I trying to make all this money?’ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model … We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

These “frat bro-dudes,” who have their actual penis sizes advertised on their website, have been near the top of the charts for a long, long time. Way to go, America.

Incoming freshmen “Utterly Terrified” of Junior living in dorm

September 14, 2016September 14, 2016Posted in CampusTagged felt, junior, man, milk, scary, short, tallLeave a comment

By Kacen Bayless

SCHURZ HALL – Earlier today, six freshmen residing on the fifth floor of Schurz Residential Hall held a meeting inside self-proclaimed cool guy Brad Butler’s dorm room. The cause of this possible coup was centered around the mysterious junior living at the end of the boys’ hallway.

“I knew Brad was the one guy we could go to with this information once I saw the amount of Ferrari posters in his room,” resident Chester Sullivan, freshman, said, his eyes wide in terror. “With everything that’s going on, we all feel safe in his room.”

The residents agree they first witnessed the junior, whose name is either Keith or Darren, on move-in day and have been terrified ever since.

“He only comes back to the floor around midnight,” pesky little guy Steven Plasken said, “It’s like he doesn’t even want to hang out with us.”

Instead of engaging in the floor’s ice-breaker activities with Residential Advisor Jason Alexander, the junior was nowhere to be seen.

“I went and knocked on his door, hoping to invite him to the ice cream social…” Sullivan said, pausing to catch his breath. “…and he wasn’t even there.”

During the ice cream social, the six gentlemen also unsuccessfully tried to coax the girls from the floor over to hall’s lounge. The 20 or so women allegedly told the boys they were planning on just staying in for the night, but were later seen socializing with the residents on floor three.

“It can’t be us that they’re afraid of,” Plasken said, his peskiness rising. “I think they’re afraid of…him.”

The junior, whose name I’m starting to think isn’t either Keith or Darren, was unavailable for comment, but the six freshmen all agreed that he’s probably out there somewhere being super mysterious.

“We don’t know why he’s here or what his plan is, but we want him gone,” Brad Butler said, speaking for the group of guys huddled behind his mini fridge. “He’s the main reason why I haven’t gotten laid in college yet.”

Silly String CEO unveils new “Serious String”

September 13, 2016September 15, 2016Posted in LocalTagged coral, felt, fresh, new, phresh, stringLeave a comment

By Garrett Dvorkin & David Colton

NEWARK — Breaking news out of the Silly String headquarters this morning. Silly String CEO Jonathan String, known as ‘Johnny S.’ to his employees, revolutionized the string market for the foreseeable future with the unveiling of his company’s newest product. Silly String ltd. has had a strangle hold on the youth string market for decades, and invested millions of dollars to finally break into the adult string market.

The new product which may only be sold to those 18 years or older has many very excited. Karen Baeless, a real life college student from ITT tech was particularly interested. When asked about why he wanted the companies new string he exclaimed, “I loved silly string growing up, but when I turned about 16 I felt ridiculous playing with this children’s toy. This new serious string, whatever it does, will let me play with string again and not feel judged.”

Although no one is particularly sure what the new product does, Silly String’s stock prices surged today. The company opened at 4 cans of silly string per share, shares are now worth around 6 spools of serious string. At the unveiling, CEO String ended his speech “You will tell your children where you were when you first heard about serious string.”

Dungeons club to join forces with Dragons club, forming Social Anxiety Club

September 13, 2016October 2, 2016Posted in LocalTagged basement, felt, fun, milk, milkfeltLeave a comment

By David Colton

ERIC’S STEPDAD’S BASEMENT—In an absolutely unexpected and altogether captivating display of events, the two most underwhelming clubs at Jefferson High met on Wednesday afternoon.

“We really think this decision is for the best,” said Dungeons club president Phillip Wendel, “our guys have been wanting to meet some other people for their entire lives, really.”

The Dungeons club, which is made up of four members, was initially conceived by the mothers of the prestigious club’s four members, who have yet to see the light of day.

The Dragons club, on the other hand, has their own thing going.

“Yeah we usually just sit, drink milk, and discuss dragons,” says Dragons club president Yurt Mooney, “it’s usually pretty lit; that is, lit from the fire of a Chinese Fireball.”

The name “Social Anxiety Club” stems from each of the clubs’ deep-seated love for Percy Jackson & the Olympians fan fiction.

The meeting, which is set to take place around 3:00, is said to “maybe have some snacks, depending on Eric’s mom” and is even rumored to “have like, so much milk.”

I will not be attending this meeting.