Babysitter in all-velvet Ed Hardy outfit takes children to Rogers Park

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By David Colton

CHICAGO – This past week, suburban parents Gerald & Judith Enron took to Craigslist to find a babysitter, and had no trouble finding someone reputable.

Her name is Natalya, she has dyed black hair, and smells vaguely like a combination of perfume, cigarettes, and  Glade car freshener.

“When we saw her craigslist profile, we knew immediately that she was the one,” explains Gerald, “I’m not sure if it was the lower-back tattoo or scotch-taped on nails, but something about her just made me feel safe.”

After about a week of service from Natalya, the Enrons were more than impressed.

“I knew she could be trusted,” states Judith, “the way she takes our kids with her to do her laundry in Rogers Park is just so admirable.”

Natalya, 34, is a freshman at North Side Community College and says she wants to study “hair or makeup, or be a trophy wife.” Natalya says nannying is really just a side project while she finishes her parole term for child endangerment and negligence.

Man who is forced to breathe through an oxygen tank goes on radical underwater journey

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By David Colton

PACIFIC OCEAN – Local elderly man and potential warlock Ernest Goodrich has struggled with breathing ever since he was diagnosed with solid blood syndrome (SBS), a rare and terrifying condition.

However, Ernest is making the most out of his SBS-riddled life.

“They gave me this oxygen tank, and put it through my nose and stuff,” says Goodrich, 75, “honestly that’s what inspired me to go on a sick aquatic journey in the first place.”

Goodrich has always had a passion for the water, as he used to be an ‘enhanced interrogator’ for the United States Government.

“Having that job really opened my eyes to what kind of awesome shit you’d be able to do if you could breathe underwater,” explains Goodrich, “and next thing you know—bam! My blood turns solid.”

Goodrich, who is somehow still alive, was given an oxygen tank to assist his breathing, although his doctor was quoted as saying “That’s not going to help you at all.”

Goodrich has continued to reiterate how radical it would be if he took his oxygen tank into the ocean, and is standing curiously close to the edge of the water.

“I mean, think about it dude, there’s enough oxygen in here for like, a year,” points out Goodrich, “I could grow gills and join a family of fish.”

As Goodrich readies himself for the perils of the deep-sea pacific ocean, he has continued to focus on the positives to his SBS.

“Honestly, I’ll probably sink a lot faster in the water, so that’ll work to my advantage. I just can’t wait to see the Titanic!” continued Goodrich, who knows less and less about what’s going on as each minute passes.

 

UPDATE: Goodrich has not been alive for three years. Who is this man?

Nation’s flags to remain at half-mast for remainder of 2016

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By David Colton

WASHINGTON, DC – As the American people continue to recover from yet another terrorist attack on a different country, an important executive order has made its way down the ranks.

The order requested that all flags be left at half mast for the rest of 2016, due to ‘cautionary reasons.’

Congressman Derek Waters (R- MO) had some choice words about the new law, which is to go into effect immediately.

“It’s honestly the most we can do at this point,” explains Waters, “except continuing to extend our thoughts and prayers, of course.”

The law was implemented after several other countries experienced large-scale attacks.

“Other countries don’t seem to care about what mast their flag is at, and that’s really disrespectful to me as someone who likes to make up rules about flags,” states Waters, “honestly the only reason we haven’t been attacked recently is because the terrorists are like, ‘damn, these guys know how to raise a flag right,’ so they’re scared.”

In other news, don’t expect your father to stop asking you every day why the flag is at half-mast, and don’t expect you’ll be able to give him any answer other than “Jimmy Carter?”