By David Colton
BLOOMINGTON, IL — Following years of speculation concerning
the correlation between $600 metal cigarettes and the manifestation of personal
insecurity in the form of pants accessories, doctors have finally released the
results of a compelling study.
“Ever since I switched to a box mod, it’s been worth,” said
Cris Heathers, assistant manager of a secondhand Earring Gauges shop. “Mad
worth, and my cloud size has tripled since I hit a stain on those jeans from
The doctors tasked with carrying out the study were sent to
half-closed indoor shopping malls across the Midwest, where they spent days upon
weeks documenting vape techniques and corresponding outfit decisions among 18
to 38-year-old men.
“I always say, blow clouds, not loud,” said Cris, who has
been hospitalized three times for popcorn lung, “we get hella vapor, and we got
a signature outfit to go with it too.”
This massive victory for the vaping and 311 communities
comes at a time when inception coils are hotter than ever and over-drip
flooding has reached an all-time low.
“Ed Hardy is raging in his grave,” said Cris, who doesn’t
know how to ride any of the skateboards he owns, “this was all for him. Rip
clouds in peace, bro.”
By Mo Macsai-Goren
SAN DIEGO – In an effort to assert his masculinity over literally anyone within ten feet of him, local asshole Bryce Choidle spoke over every woman in the room to mansplain himself yesterday afternoon.
Choidle had recently backed himself into a corner during his lunch break at the Mission Valley Ed Hardy corporate office.
After being called out for mansplaining how the new bedazzled printer worked by Tara, a new employee, Choidle took it upon himself to condescend her further by mansplaining how mansplaining works.
As both Tara and Choidle work for Ed Hardy, experts are not expecting the issue to be resolved anytime soon.
UPDATE: Bryce Choidle has since been made assistant manager of the Mission Valley branch.
By David Colton
NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.
“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’
Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.
“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”
After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic, a local club/ cespool.
“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”
After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.
By David Colton
CHICAGO – This past week, suburban parents Gerald & Judith Enron took to Craigslist to find a babysitter, and had no trouble finding someone reputable.
Her name is Natalya, she has dyed black hair, and smells vaguely like a combination of perfume, cigarettes, and Glade car freshener.
“When we saw her craigslist profile, we knew immediately that she was the one,” explains Gerald, “I’m not sure if it was the lower-back tattoo or scotch-taped on nails, but something about her just made me feel safe.”
After about a week of service from Natalya, the Enrons were more than impressed.
“I knew she could be trusted,” states Judith, “the way she takes our kids with her to do her laundry in Rogers Park is just so admirable.”
Natalya, 34, is a freshman at North Side Community College and says she wants to study “hair or makeup, or be a trophy wife.” Natalya says nannying is really just a side project while she finishes her parole term for child endangerment and negligence.