Vaping Win! New Study Links Cloud Size to Length of Jeans Chain

By David Colton

BLOOMINGTON, IL — Following years of speculation concerning the correlation between $600 metal cigarettes and the manifestation of personal insecurity in the form of pants accessories, doctors have finally released the results of a compelling study.

“Ever since I switched to a box mod, it’s been worth,” said Cris Heathers, assistant manager of a secondhand Earring Gauges shop. “Mad worth, and my cloud size has tripled since I hit a stain on those jeans from Hot Topic.”

The doctors tasked with carrying out the study were sent to half-closed indoor shopping malls across the Midwest, where they spent days upon weeks documenting vape techniques and corresponding outfit decisions among 18 to 38-year-old men.

“I always say, blow clouds, not loud,” said Cris, who has been hospitalized three times for popcorn lung, “we get hella vapor, and we got a signature outfit to go with it too.”

This massive victory for the vaping and 311 communities comes at a time when inception coils are hotter than ever and over-drip flooding has reached an all-time low.

“Ed Hardy is raging in his grave,” said Cris, who doesn’t know how to ride any of the skateboards he owns, “this was all for him. Rip clouds in peace, bro.”

Guy in plain white T-shirt and jeans might have a knife

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By David Colton

SPEAKER’S CIRCLE – This morning, students on their way to class had a bit of a scare.

“I was walking, and I saw that guy standing there, and he just mouthed the words ‘I have a knife’” explains sophomore Georgio Philliniamani, “he didn’t seem angry or anything, just kind of like he wanted me to know he had it.”

Speaker’s Circle has always been known as a place where people of all backgrounds can come together; knife holders and civilians alike.

“Honestly this is what we’re all about,” explained interim administrator Rob Blagojevich, “we’re really just trying to make this campus more inclusive to kids of all demographics.”

The man was seen standing on the outskirts of speaker’s circle without a backpack, which some witnesses say is “a little unsettling.”

“I’ve just never seen someone wear that outfit that wasn’t either going to stab me or in a Hanes commercial, and I’ve just been praying Michael Jordan will come out from behind him and take the tag from his shirt; take him down a peg,” explains junior Ryan Goose.

UPDATE: He keeps doing this thing where he slicks his hair back and then snaps immediately after.