Mostly Cloudy Day Used as Scapegoat

By David Colton

DAN’S STAPLER WAREHOUSE — As the day began winding down to a close, Stapler Associate and amateur Croquet tutor Marty Buns needed to find a way to get home early.

“I just don’t trust Mother Nature these days,” said Marty Buns, who slowly began gathering his belongings and inching toward the office’s main exit, “Those clouds look dark, don’t you think?”

Although multiple checks of both AccuWeather and The Weather Channel Revealed a 60% chance of light rain begins in the Dan’s Stapler Warehouse area and will last until at least 8 p.m. Tuesday, Marty insisted he had to get home as fast as possible.

“Well, at first I was not inclined to believe Marty — he does have a history of lying about everything, especially his scalp treatment,” said Dan Lenard, CEO and manager of Dan’s Stapler Warehouse, “but for some reason, I was positive he was telling the truth this time.”

Marty managed to scamper out of the back door just as the sun finally broke through the clouds, and it was off to the races for him as he made a break for his 2002 Honda Odyssey, which was parked in the disabled spot.

Marty himself is not disabled, but he said his sister sometimes likes to ride those three-wheeled rascals around that they let you take from Wal-Mart.

Vaping Win! New Study Links Cloud Size to Length of Jeans Chain

By David Colton

BLOOMINGTON, IL — Following years of speculation concerning the correlation between $600 metal cigarettes and the manifestation of personal insecurity in the form of pants accessories, doctors have finally released the results of a compelling study.

“Ever since I switched to a box mod, it’s been worth,” said Cris Heathers, assistant manager of a secondhand Earring Gauges shop. “Mad worth, and my cloud size has tripled since I hit a stain on those jeans from Hot Topic.”

The doctors tasked with carrying out the study were sent to half-closed indoor shopping malls across the Midwest, where they spent days upon weeks documenting vape techniques and corresponding outfit decisions among 18 to 38-year-old men.

“I always say, blow clouds, not loud,” said Cris, who has been hospitalized three times for popcorn lung, “we get hella vapor, and we got a signature outfit to go with it too.”

This massive victory for the vaping and 311 communities comes at a time when inception coils are hotter than ever and over-drip flooding has reached an all-time low.

“Ed Hardy is raging in his grave,” said Cris, who doesn’t know how to ride any of the skateboards he owns, “this was all for him. Rip clouds in peace, bro.”