Mostly Cloudy Day Used as Scapegoat

By David Colton

DAN’S STAPLER WAREHOUSE — As the day began winding down to a close, Stapler Associate and amateur Croquet tutor Marty Buns needed to find a way to get home early.

“I just don’t trust Mother Nature these days,” said Marty Buns, who slowly began gathering his belongings and inching toward the office’s main exit, “Those clouds look dark, don’t you think?”

Although multiple checks of both AccuWeather and The Weather Channel Revealed a 60% chance of light rain begins in the Dan’s Stapler Warehouse area and will last until at least 8 p.m. Tuesday, Marty insisted he had to get home as fast as possible.

“Well, at first I was not inclined to believe Marty — he does have a history of lying about everything, especially his scalp treatment,” said Dan Lenard, CEO and manager of Dan’s Stapler Warehouse, “but for some reason, I was positive he was telling the truth this time.”

Marty managed to scamper out of the back door just as the sun finally broke through the clouds, and it was off to the races for him as he made a break for his 2002 Honda Odyssey, which was parked in the disabled spot.

Marty himself is not disabled, but he said his sister sometimes likes to ride those three-wheeled rascals around that they let you take from Wal-Mart.

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims


By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”