By Grace Bahler
CHICAGO—Monday, 2 a.m., you couldn’t sleep. BuzzFeed knew, and it had a great
quiz for you that of course made sense and wasn’t creepy at all: Take This Quiz and
We’ll Reveal What Kind of a Serial Killer You’d Be! Fake Serial Killers WON’T Get Less
You went through, question after question, answering things like ‘Do You Like Zac Efron
as Ted Bundy,’ ‘Did You Know Zac Efron Is Ripped,’ and ‘What’s Your Favorite Zac
Efron Movie?’ It was tough, but ultimately, you made it through.
And OMG! You would make such a great serial killer! So cute, right?!
“Congratulations,” your result read. “You would literally be the perfect serial killer. You
are hot, buzzworthy, and easy to romanticize in the media. Years after you end many
people’s lives and devastate their families for life, you’re totally going to get your own
movie! OMG GO YOU!”
You were, like, totally born for this. BuzzFeed quizzes are as accurate as
horoscopes—immensely if you believe them! And BuzzFeed does. In fact, they are so
rooting for you. Expect a package of equipment in the mail to get started ASAP. The
longer your streak, the more material for a biopic, and that’s what the real goal is here.
Who cares about morals or ethics or anything here? Not BuzzFeed! Not you! It’s time
for you to get someone hot to play you in a movie.
Take the next quiz: Who Will Play You in the Movie About You Being a Serial Killer?
By Mo Macsai-Goren
CLEVELAND – Sealing their bond as brothers for life, four white supremacist inmates at the Cleveland House of Corrections announced their plans to share the same pair of baggy light wash genes during their first summer after being released.
Shaun Crade, Tyler Dune, Stephen Michel Wills, and Rex Massey, four card-carrying members of the Aryan Brotherhood, have expressed relief that their new system of sharing pants will ease the transition from solitary to society.
“The pants fit us all extremely well,” Dune said. “It’s up to us to decorate them and then send them on. Personally? I’m thinking about bedazzling the Insane Clown Posse onto the legs.” Dune, currently serving 12 years for a double homicide, plans to move to Toledo to pursue his passion of being seen in a waterpark bathroom fulltime.
“These guys are my brothers,” Massey said as he cracked open a SlimJim. “I just want them to know how much I love them when we’re all out in the real world.” Massey is being released into a house arrest program in Tallahassee, where his neighbors will definitely be members of the Aryan Brotherhood, as well.
Shaun Crade expressed how his interest in the peaked when he realized how well they would compliment his wiry goatee and his tattoos of quotes misattributed to Adolf Hitler. Crade already has a job offer to be a stunt double for Ron Pearlman’s next film.
Wills was unavailable for comment. He had been killed. More to come.
By David Colton
SPEAKER’S CIRCLE – This morning, students on their way to class had a bit of a scare.
“I was walking, and I saw that guy standing there, and he just mouthed the words ‘I have a knife’” explains sophomore Georgio Philliniamani, “he didn’t seem angry or anything, just kind of like he wanted me to know he had it.”
Speaker’s Circle has always been known as a place where people of all backgrounds can come together; knife holders and civilians alike.
“Honestly this is what we’re all about,” explained interim administrator Rob Blagojevich, “we’re really just trying to make this campus more inclusive to kids of all demographics.”
The man was seen standing on the outskirts of speaker’s circle without a backpack, which some witnesses say is “a little unsettling.”
“I’ve just never seen someone wear that outfit that wasn’t either going to stab me or in a Hanes commercial, and I’ve just been praying Michael Jordan will come out from behind him and take the tag from his shirt; take him down a peg,” explains junior Ryan Goose.
UPDATE: He keeps doing this thing where he slicks his hair back and then snaps immediately after.