Hitchhiker by State Penitentiary Looks Like a Nice Guy

By David Colton

MESA, AZ — When Cynthia and Geraldo Tinklebody initially embarked on their journey across the state of Arizona, they didn’t think anything could slow them down.

After all, they were attempting to set the world record for longest mobile foreplay.

However, their romance on wheels took a sharp turn when the couple approached the state prison.

“Cynthia always gets prison sweats when we get in the vicinity,” said Geraldo Tinklebody, in between full handfuls of Haribo Starmix, “But it was Stephen’s round face and square glasses that really caught our eye.”

Apparently the pair has an eye for nice, wholesome men, according to a pamphlet they made me take.

“Oh, Stephen had those ‘Puppy Dog-Who-At-One-Time-Committed-A-String-Of-Felonies-And-Evaded-Authorities-For-Nearly-Two-Years Eyes,” said Cynthia Tinklebody, who donned a “Dogfighters for Trump” shirt.

“That thumb was stickin’ up like it belonged there — I knew in that moment that he was a good man.”

Cynthia apparently didn’t have to do much persuading when it came to Geraldo, who is a prolific member of the Dogfighters for Trump Facebook group.

The pickup happened directly next to a “do not pick up hitchhikers” sign — a message Geraldo said has more to it than meets the eye.

“Those disgusting signs were placed by MSNBC around this great country, and it sickens me to see people drive past those brave men every day,” said Geraldo, who has vowed to travel the country and pick up every prisonside rideseeker he sees.

Local Prison Group Forms Aryan Brotherhood Of The Travelling Pants

By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND – Sealing their bond as brothers for life, four white supremacist inmates at the Cleveland House of Corrections announced their plans to share the same pair of baggy light wash genes during their first summer after being released.

Shaun Crade, Tyler Dune, Stephen Michel Wills, and Rex Massey, four card-carrying members of the Aryan Brotherhood, have expressed relief that their new system of sharing pants will ease the transition from solitary to society.

“The pants fit us all extremely well,” Dune said. “It’s up to us to decorate them and then send them on. Personally? I’m thinking about bedazzling the Insane Clown Posse onto the legs.” Dune, currently serving 12 years for a double homicide, plans to move to Toledo to pursue his passion of being seen in a waterpark bathroom fulltime.

“These guys are my brothers,” Massey said as he cracked open a SlimJim. “I just want them to know how much I love them when we’re all out in the real world.” Massey is being released into a house arrest program in Tallahassee, where his neighbors will definitely be members of the Aryan Brotherhood, as well.

Shaun Crade expressed how his interest in the peaked when he realized how well they would compliment his wiry goatee and his tattoos of quotes misattributed to Adolf Hitler. Crade already has a job offer to be a stunt double for Ron Pearlman’s next film.

Wills was unavailable for comment. He had been killed. More to come.