Local Prison Group Forms Aryan Brotherhood Of The Travelling Pants

By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND – Sealing their bond as brothers for life, four white supremacist inmates at the Cleveland House of Corrections announced their plans to share the same pair of baggy light wash genes during their first summer after being released.

Shaun Crade, Tyler Dune, Stephen Michel Wills, and Rex Massey, four card-carrying members of the Aryan Brotherhood, have expressed relief that their new system of sharing pants will ease the transition from solitary to society.

“The pants fit us all extremely well,” Dune said. “It’s up to us to decorate them and then send them on. Personally? I’m thinking about bedazzling the Insane Clown Posse onto the legs.” Dune, currently serving 12 years for a double homicide, plans to move to Toledo to pursue his passion of being seen in a waterpark bathroom fulltime.

“These guys are my brothers,” Massey said as he cracked open a SlimJim. “I just want them to know how much I love them when we’re all out in the real world.” Massey is being released into a house arrest program in Tallahassee, where his neighbors will definitely be members of the Aryan Brotherhood, as well.

Shaun Crade expressed how his interest in the peaked when he realized how well they would compliment his wiry goatee and his tattoos of quotes misattributed to Adolf Hitler. Crade already has a job offer to be a stunt double for Ron Pearlman’s next film.

Wills was unavailable for comment. He had been killed. More to come.

Guy with man bun and beard definitely wears jeans even when it’s hot out

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By David Colton

ROSE MUSIC HALL – Sources this week confirmed that one guy you saw at the Joy Division cover band’s show has little to no feeling in his legs, and is unopposed to wearing jeans outside in mid-August.

The man, whose man-bun and beard are both clear indicators of someone who still listens to Hozier, had a few choice words about the allegations:

“Nah, man, jeans? Do they still make those?” said the guy, taking drags of 3 different blends of American Spirits at the same time, “Oh, you’re talking about these privileged leg wraps? No, these aren’t denim.”

The man, who lost all feeling in his legs after a run-in with a typewriter (for some reason) says he doesn’t like to discriminate against “leg wraps.”

“Yeah, at this point, I don’t really like to hate on any one kind of leg wrap, just because there are so many,” explains the guy, “You’ve got everything from beige half-legs to waist-high socks, or a personal favorite of mine, the tunic.”

After declining to explain his comments on the nature of his coffee-shop-junkie look several times, the guy was spotted in the front row at the opener for the opener for Neutral Milk Hotel, and yes, he was wearing jeans.