Coffee Table Books to Flip Through in a Stranger’s Living Room While Your Brother Takes a Piano Lesson Upstairs

By Eldridge K. Steppenwolf

Ah, another Saturday morning. The bliss of the birds chirping, the sweet scent of freshly cut grass, and the sound of your younger brother Brian practicing the main theme from Jaws our parents’ massive, out of tune, grand piano they got for show.

Suddenly, the domestic tranquility of Saturday Morning was shattered by Mom telling you to get your ass in the forest green Toyota Sienna so you won’t be late for Brian’s thirty minute piano lesson that takes an hour and forty five minutes to get to.

The instructor, Jonathan, is well aware of the hefty journey Brian makes every Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m.

However, Jonathan does not like to wait. He has stipulated in the contract that if pupils arrive between three and four minutes late, the lesson is void and said pupil must attempt again the following week.

You are unsure why your presence is required at yet another one of Brian’s piano lessons and you search the room for something to do while Brian absolutely butchers Beethoven’s Ninth.

Then, suddenly, a beacon of light. The coffee table. Covered end-to-end in large, glossy books on art, music, film, and one with entirely too much nudity for it not to be weird.  

Here’s our quick guide for navigating the sea of coffee table books before Jonathan silently comes down, brushes his ponytail out of his eyes, and tells you not to touch anything:

  1. David Hockney: A Bigger Book

Be confused as to why this man drawing a bunch of pools is now worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Get ready to ask your mom why you don’t have a pool and when she tells you to buy one with your own money, remind her that you are 7. Make sure you wipe the cheeto dust off your fingers before you flip through Hockney’s best works or be prepared to face Jonathan’s wrath when he inevitably emails your mom about it weeks later.

  1. Bruce Springsteen: The Stories Behind the Songs

New songs, new looks, and New Jersey. Feel free to peruse 500 pages of photos of the Boss’ motorcycle collection and hazy New Jersey turnpikes. Silently wonder why someone as lame as Jonathan would have a book that includes so many cool leather jackets and men in grease-stained white tank top smoking cigarettes on the side of the highway. Be sure to ask your mom if the next family vacation can be to Atlantic City.

  1. Vanity Fair, October 2011

Although definitely the last choice for older brothers who are in the living room of their brother’s piano teacher, this magazine is weirdly moist and has a ton of pictures. In fact, there’s even a perfume sample on one of those thicker card stock pages that you can apply and hope Jonathan doesn’t notice you stole his scent. There is also sometimes a crossword near the back of the issue, but I would guess Jonathan filled that out many moons ago.

Desperate Man Keeps Spilling Coffee on Women in Hopes of a Meet-Cute

By Grace Bahler

ST. LOUIS—After watching Notting Hill last Thursday night, local man Dennis Arcado has spilled coffee on approximately 23 women in hopes of a meet-cute.

When Arcado saw how well this worked for Hugh Grant, he first considered trying a British accent—until he realized he could support local coffee shops in the process.

All he wanted was someone to realize they enjoy scalding hot coffee on their skin and that he could be the love of their life. However, women in the area have reported how Arcado’s plan disastrously panned out.

“I was waiting for the bus,” Lauren Pecoe, area woman said. “All of the sudden, this man comes up to me, stares at me for a few seconds, and then just tosses his coffee onto me.”

Pecoe later stated that had Arcado poured the coffee more tastefully, she might have considered giving him her number.

“It was just so awkward,” Pecoe said. “Like, if you’re gonna pour coffee on me and make me fall in love with you, make it look natural. The way Dennis did it, he didn’t stand a chance.”

Another woman, Jenny Wells, simply didn’t think St. Louis was the right place for him to pull such a move.

“Maybe it would fly if this was New York or something,” Wells said. “Or London. Oh
yeah, if he had, like, a British accent. Maybe then.”

At this time, Arcado has not given up on love, but he is banned from any cafe within a 25-mile radius of the city.

Guy with man bun and beard definitely wears jeans even when it’s hot out

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By David Colton

ROSE MUSIC HALL – Sources this week confirmed that one guy you saw at the Joy Division cover band’s show has little to no feeling in his legs, and is unopposed to wearing jeans outside in mid-August.

The man, whose man-bun and beard are both clear indicators of someone who still listens to Hozier, had a few choice words about the allegations:

“Nah, man, jeans? Do they still make those?” said the guy, taking drags of 3 different blends of American Spirits at the same time, “Oh, you’re talking about these privileged leg wraps? No, these aren’t denim.”

The man, who lost all feeling in his legs after a run-in with a typewriter (for some reason) says he doesn’t like to discriminate against “leg wraps.”

“Yeah, at this point, I don’t really like to hate on any one kind of leg wrap, just because there are so many,” explains the guy, “You’ve got everything from beige half-legs to waist-high socks, or a personal favorite of mine, the tunic.”

After declining to explain his comments on the nature of his coffee-shop-junkie look several times, the guy was spotted in the front row at the opener for the opener for Neutral Milk Hotel, and yes, he was wearing jeans.