Family – The Gatekeeper

Coffee Table Books to Flip Through in a Stranger’s Living Room While Your Brother Takes a Piano Lesson Upstairs

June 6, 2019June 6, 2019Posted in LocalTagged book, coffee, Family, lesson, literature, pianoLeave a comment

By Eldridge K. Steppenwolf

Ah, another Saturday morning. The bliss of the birds chirping, the sweet scent of freshly cut grass, and the sound of your younger brother Brian practicing the main theme from Jaws our parents’ massive, out of tune, grand piano they got for show.

Suddenly, the domestic tranquility of Saturday Morning was shattered by Mom telling you to get your ass in the forest green Toyota Sienna so you won’t be late for Brian’s thirty minute piano lesson that takes an hour and forty five minutes to get to.

The instructor, Jonathan, is well aware of the hefty journey Brian makes every Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m.

However, Jonathan does not like to wait. He has stipulated in the contract that if pupils arrive between three and four minutes late, the lesson is void and said pupil must attempt again the following week.

You are unsure why your presence is required at yet another one of Brian’s piano lessons and you search the room for something to do while Brian absolutely butchers Beethoven’s Ninth.

Then, suddenly, a beacon of light. The coffee table. Covered end-to-end in large, glossy books on art, music, film, and one with entirely too much nudity for it not to be weird.

Here’s our quick guide for navigating the sea of coffee table books before Jonathan silently comes down, brushes his ponytail out of his eyes, and tells you not to touch anything:

David Hockney: A Bigger Book

Be confused as to why this man drawing a bunch of pools is now worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Get ready to ask your mom why you don’t have a pool and when she tells you to buy one with your own money, remind her that you are 7. Make sure you wipe the cheeto dust off your fingers before you flip through Hockney’s best works or be prepared to face Jonathan’s wrath when he inevitably emails your mom about it weeks later.

Bruce Springsteen: The Stories Behind the Songs

New songs, new looks, and New Jersey. Feel free to peruse 500 pages of photos of the Boss’ motorcycle collection and hazy New Jersey turnpikes. Silently wonder why someone as lame as Jonathan would have a book that includes so many cool leather jackets and men in grease-stained white tank top smoking cigarettes on the side of the highway. Be sure to ask your mom if the next family vacation can be to Atlantic City.

Vanity Fair, October 2011

Although definitely the last choice for older brothers who are in the living room of their brother’s piano teacher, this magazine is weirdly moist and has a ton of pictures. In fact, there’s even a perfume sample on one of those thicker card stock pages that you can apply and hope Jonathan doesn’t notice you stole his scent. There is also sometimes a crossword near the back of the issue, but I would guess Jonathan filled that out many moons ago.

Mom Can’t Believe Each Family Only Gets 9 Graduation Tickets This Year

May 11, 2019June 6, 2019Posted in CampusTagged 2019, ceremony, college, commencement, congratulations, Family, grad, graduation, seniors, surplus, tickets, uni, university, upsetLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

“What are ‘Uncle’ Tony and our family friends who you’ve never met going to do? Fight club?”

Google Maps Update Now Sends Rude Relatives to Wrong Address Hours Away

May 5, 2019May 5, 2019Posted in NationalTagged Apps, Directions, Driving, Family, family time, Google, Google Maps, iphone, Maps, rude, Sundar Pichai, Technology, UpdateLeave a comment

By Grace Bahler

MOUNTAIN VIEW—Google’s headquarters just made a huge announcement that will
likely push their Maps application to the top of an online tech magazine that publishes
tons of listicles. During a press conference on Monday, April 29, CEO Sundar Pichai
revealed that Google Maps will now feature a setting that sends rude relatives to a
wrong address hours away.

“We hope this helps families out in those tough times, like organizing a birthday
celebration or any holiday, ever,” Pichai said in a statement. “This addition will likely
prevent conflict as well as the need to pretend you like a gift your weird aunt got you.”

When asked if the feature was for relatives only, Pichai encouraged its use outside of
the home. Adding that it would be great for planning friend-group events but not having
to attend, or sending the office creep away, Google fully endorses their new Google
Maps for any setting.

“I want Google Maps to be the device that combines what the tech industry has been
working towards for years,” Pichai said. “And that is directions and avoidance of any
confrontation whatsoever. You can still invite people you hate over, but you can feel
good about it.”

Many reporters in the room were so enthused by this announcement that they
immediately texted family members, friends, and co-workers their new addresses—and
an invitation to come over for dinner.

As of now, the tech company is working on adding a new tagline to Google Maps: We
Get You There, and Now We Send Them Across State Lines.

Ghost of Late Father Sticking Around to Remind Family to Turn the Lights Off

May 2, 2019May 2, 2019Posted in LocalTagged Bills, dad, death, Electricity, Family, Father, Ghost, Ghosts, GHouls, Haunted, Lights, Off, Paranormal Activity, Pastime, Rhode Island, spookyLeave a comment

By Grace Bahler

PROVIDENCE—When local man Rick Haverson, age 52, passed away on Wednesday, his family was shocked to find his ghost roaming around the house. His screams echoed through the halls, but not like, for love or anything. TURN THE DAMN LIGHTS OFF! TURN ‘EM OFF!

“He was always so good about the electricity bill,” his wife, Mary Haverson said in between sobs. “It’s only fitting that he still cares.”

It was Rick’s favorite pastime, caring so much about the lights.

“It sort of made up for him never doing the dishes, or cooking, or cleaning before my parents came to town, or walking the dog, or driving the kids to school, you know,” Mary said.

Though Haverson’s two children, Emma and Daniel don’t feel quite as sentimental toward their late father’s tendencies.

“We literally can’t go to the washroom or step out of the living room for a snack without his ghost barging in through a wall and yelling,” Emma said. “At least when he was alive he had to walk through a door.”

Daniel shuddered as he seemed to recall an encounter with his father’s ghost.

“I was watching a movie and just went to answer the door real quick,” Daniel said. “And when I got back, he was flicking the lights on and off and asking me how he thought it would affect the electric bill. But he’s like, totally cool with us leaving the TV on all day?”

Rick’s yelling started to impact the family’s sleep and health, so now they have compromised and live in complete darkness.

Little Brother Might Actually Be Hurt, Apparently

April 13, 2019Posted in LocalTagged brother, Family, hurt, idiot, loser, oh no, oh well, playground, sad, swings, woodchipsLeave a comment

By David Colton

LEXINGTON, KY — Depending on who you ask, there are a multitude of different ways little Johnny Plunkett could have ended up crumpled and wailing in a ball on the woodchips.

In the eyes of little Johnny, only one thing is certain: If he tells mom and dad, he’s toast.

“He said he wanted to go on the swings, so I gave him a big push like he asked for,” said Tyler, Johnny’s older brother and record holder for girls kissed in the seventh grade.

“If he wants to cry and be a wuss about it, he won’t learn what it means to be a true man.”

According to nearby playground patrons, Johnny flew close to 15 feet in the air after Tyler did one of his notoriously powerful “underdog” pushes.

“He, when he went on the swings, he swinged really high,” said Sally Trunks, local 3-year-old and recent graduate of Pull-Ups academy.

Despite his reluctance to do so, it appears Tyler will inform authorities that Johnny swinged too high, and now his leg has a woodchip in it.

Tyler’s parents were unavailable for comment after information became public suggesting they were filming the whole thing and jeering little Johnny when he “totally ate shit.”

“That little dweeb sure can fly,” said Dex, the boys’ father and owner of the West Eastern Dojo.

“Once that woodchip sinks in, his transformation into a wood nymph will officially have begun, and he will begin the spell-casting process.”

Duration Of Facetime Spent Looking At Self In Corner

March 7, 2019March 7, 2019Posted in LocalTagged Deception, Facetime, Family, lying, money, Mother, Shen Yun, vanityLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

SAN DIEGO – Illuminating why exactly his mom was so angry with him, the Gatekeeper’s investigative team has found that SDSU Junior Aaron Fritz stared only at his own image during an extended, hour-long Facetime call with his mother Wednesday night.

What started as a simple plea for “food money” — although investigators say Fritz planned to spend the cash on tickets to Shen Yun: 5,000 Years Of Civilization Reborn — ended in a firm scolding as Muriel Fritz noticed her son’s lack of eye contact.

“Are you checking yourself out?” she asked her stupid, stupid little boy. “If you want money from me, you better make eye contact. I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” Fritz attempted to play it off like he was looking at a new pimple, but his mother quickly reminded him that he simply cannot lie to her.

“I don’t know how she does it,” Fritz said. “No matter how I act she can always tell when I’m lying. I don’t even want to think about what she knows that she hasn’t told me.”

At this time, experts are unsure if Fritz received the money or attended the simply transcendent ballet performance.