Hitchhiker by State Penitentiary Looks Like a Nice Guy

By David Colton

MESA, AZ — When Cynthia and Geraldo Tinklebody initially embarked on their journey across the state of Arizona, they didn’t think anything could slow them down.

After all, they were attempting to set the world record for longest mobile foreplay.

However, their romance on wheels took a sharp turn when the couple approached the state prison.

“Cynthia always gets prison sweats when we get in the vicinity,” said Geraldo Tinklebody, in between full handfuls of Haribo Starmix, “But it was Stephen’s round face and square glasses that really caught our eye.”

Apparently the pair has an eye for nice, wholesome men, according to a pamphlet they made me take.

“Oh, Stephen had those ‘Puppy Dog-Who-At-One-Time-Committed-A-String-Of-Felonies-And-Evaded-Authorities-For-Nearly-Two-Years Eyes,” said Cynthia Tinklebody, who donned a “Dogfighters for Trump” shirt.

“That thumb was stickin’ up like it belonged there — I knew in that moment that he was a good man.”

Cynthia apparently didn’t have to do much persuading when it came to Geraldo, who is a prolific member of the Dogfighters for Trump Facebook group.

The pickup happened directly next to a “do not pick up hitchhikers” sign — a message Geraldo said has more to it than meets the eye.

“Those disgusting signs were placed by MSNBC around this great country, and it sickens me to see people drive past those brave men every day,” said Geraldo, who has vowed to travel the country and pick up every prisonside rideseeker he sees.

Cross Necklace Draped Over Rearview Mirror Somehow Expected to Save Tyler

By David Colton

TEMPE, AZ — It was like trying to stop a forest fire with a single travel-sized bottle of lotion.

As the 26-year-old barreled down side streets and through alleys, he engaged in a 4-hour marathon round of the popular collegiate inebriation game “Edward Fortyhands.”

No seatbelt, no hands holding the steering wheel and no fucks given — Tyler’s three signature rules, which he has tattooed across his back, ended up being his downfall.

Notoriously a man of Christ, Tyler was always one to push divine limits. The necklace around his rearview mirror was tasked with a tall order that fateful day as soon as he left the house at 7 a.m. that morning. The first thing Tyler did was buy a six-pack of NOS energy fluid and shotgunned them in between cigarettes.

“That boy liked to test God,” said Divinity Faith Johnson, who watched Tyler as he attempted to make a left turn at 97 mph, “It was clear he was trying to do a U-turn for the Subway along the highway. That’s the one that doesn’t even have the Italian Herbs & Cheese bread. It’s just sad.”

From the very beginning, it was a daunting task for the 2007 Ford Fiesta.

A gift from mom’s old boyfriend, Tyler’s little car (which he named “Heavenleigh”) was taken for granted the second the boy received the keys.

“My Tyler has never been one to learn new things,” said Bernard Baubleman, Tyler’s 89-year-old father, “Except, of course, when I taught him how to cry.”

Tyler unequivocally denies learning this lesson from his aging father. At least, he did. When he tried to make that fateful 97 mph turn, he was ejected immediately and crashed through the front window of that Subway, where he would eventually ask to be taken off of life support.

Google Maps Update Now Sends Rude Relatives to Wrong Address Hours Away

By Grace Bahler

MOUNTAIN VIEW—Google’s headquarters just made a huge announcement that will
likely push their Maps application to the top of an online tech magazine that publishes
tons of listicles. During a press conference on Monday, April 29, CEO Sundar Pichai
revealed that Google Maps will now feature a setting that sends rude relatives to a
wrong address hours away.

“We hope this helps families out in those tough times, like organizing a birthday
celebration or any holiday, ever,” Pichai said in a statement. “This addition will likely
prevent conflict as well as the need to pretend you like a gift your weird aunt got you.”

When asked if the feature was for relatives only, Pichai encouraged its use outside of
the home. Adding that it would be great for planning friend-group events but not having
to attend, or sending the office creep away, Google fully endorses their new Google
Maps for any setting.

“I want Google Maps to be the device that combines what the tech industry has been
working towards for years,” Pichai said. “And that is directions and avoidance of any
confrontation whatsoever. You can still invite people you hate over, but you can feel
good about it.”

Many reporters in the room were so enthused by this announcement that they
immediately texted family members, friends, and co-workers their new addresses—and
an invitation to come over for dinner.

As of now, the tech company is working on adding a new tagline to Google Maps: We
Get You There, and Now We Send Them Across State Lines.