By David Colton
THE WATER — When FinTech Corp. revealed it had indisputible
evidence that sharks were sentient beings and wanted to learn to use smartphone
apps last year, many skeptics were doubtful.
Last week the Gwyneth Paltrow-funded company unveiled revolutionary
technology that experts are saying could define the future of aquatic
The app is called “Byte.”
“Through our research, we discovered the full scope of shark
sexuality,” said Therman Pummels, strange man and shark porn expert, “Two weeks
later, ‘Byte’ was conceived.”
In the initial test stages, the researchers created their
own profiles to test the sexual tendencies of the world’s favorite water
predators. Of course, because they are human, they disguised their profiles to
look like sharks.
Quickly, the researchers began to notice a response unlike
any they had ever seen. Overwhelmingly, the sharks who paid the $5.99 monthly
fee for the service responded more positively to the profiles of humans on
surfboards than to other sharks themselves.
This tendency was true of all shark species regardless of
sexual orientation — and it had some unlikely consequences.
Matthew Warbles is the president of Hammerhead, a society
that promotes human-shark relationships.
“We’re just happy somebody finally made an app for this,”
said Warbles, who spends most of his time in an armchair, “We’ve been writing
letters about this for years.”
‘Byte’ is now #5 on the App Store.
By Grace Bahler
MOUNTAIN VIEW—Google’s headquarters just made a huge announcement that will
likely push their Maps application to the top of an online tech magazine that publishes
tons of listicles. During a press conference on Monday, April 29, CEO Sundar Pichai
revealed that Google Maps will now feature a setting that sends rude relatives to a
wrong address hours away.
“We hope this helps families out in those tough times, like organizing a birthday
celebration or any holiday, ever,” Pichai said in a statement. “This addition will likely
prevent conflict as well as the need to pretend you like a gift your weird aunt got you.”
When asked if the feature was for relatives only, Pichai encouraged its use outside of
the home. Adding that it would be great for planning friend-group events but not having
to attend, or sending the office creep away, Google fully endorses their new Google
Maps for any setting.
“I want Google Maps to be the device that combines what the tech industry has been
working towards for years,” Pichai said. “And that is directions and avoidance of any
confrontation whatsoever. You can still invite people you hate over, but you can feel
good about it.”
Many reporters in the room were so enthused by this announcement that they
immediately texted family members, friends, and co-workers their new addresses—and
an invitation to come over for dinner.
As of now, the tech company is working on adding a new tagline to Google Maps: We
Get You There, and Now We Send Them Across State Lines.