Shark Dating Service Mostly Just Humans on Surfboards

By David Colton

THE WATER — When FinTech Corp. revealed it had indisputible evidence that sharks were sentient beings and wanted to learn to use smartphone apps last year, many skeptics were doubtful.

Last week the Gwyneth Paltrow-funded company unveiled revolutionary technology that experts are saying could define the future of aquatic relationships.

The app is called “Byte.”

“Through our research, we discovered the full scope of shark sexuality,” said Therman Pummels, strange man and shark porn expert, “Two weeks later, ‘Byte’ was conceived.”

In the initial test stages, the researchers created their own profiles to test the sexual tendencies of the world’s favorite water predators. Of course, because they are human, they disguised their profiles to look like sharks.

Quickly, the researchers began to notice a response unlike any they had ever seen. Overwhelmingly, the sharks who paid the $5.99 monthly fee for the service responded more positively to the profiles of humans on surfboards than to other sharks themselves.

This tendency was true of all shark species regardless of sexual orientation — and it had some unlikely consequences.

Matthew Warbles is the president of Hammerhead, a society that promotes human-shark relationships.

“We’re just happy somebody finally made an app for this,” said Warbles, who spends most of his time in an armchair, “We’ve been writing letters about this for years.”

‘Byte’ is now #5 on the App Store.

Colorblind Woman Picking Up Some Grey Flags From First Date

By Mo Macsai-Goren

CHICAGO – Following her date’s 20-minute rant on beef jerky taxonomy, local colorblind advertising executive Theresa Leonard realized the man she had met on Tinder Friday night was displaying some serious warning signs.

“As soon as he started talking about his endeavors into DIY yogurt, I realized I was in too deep,” Leonard told Gatekeeper reporters. “We hadn’t even ordered drinks yet before he started ranting about deep state conspiracy theories.”

Leonard noticed the grey flags in his conversational topics of choice and attempted to change the subject to the day’s weather. Before she could, he was on a tangent about climate change somehow being linked to the Clinton Foundation.

“This is so disappointing because his profile seemed so normal,” Leonard said. “I don’t think there’ll be a second date. Too many grey flags this time around, maybe it was the venue choice? I get free tickets to the Grey Man Group, maybe I’ll take my next date to that.

As a woman on Tinder, Leonard already has hundreds of camo-clad potential suitors lining up in her Tinder likes. She has yet to reveal her latest confirmed matches.