Shark Dating Service Mostly Just Humans on Surfboards

By David Colton

THE WATER — When FinTech Corp. revealed it had indisputible evidence that sharks were sentient beings and wanted to learn to use smartphone apps last year, many skeptics were doubtful.

Last week the Gwyneth Paltrow-funded company unveiled revolutionary technology that experts are saying could define the future of aquatic relationships.

The app is called “Byte.”

“Through our research, we discovered the full scope of shark sexuality,” said Therman Pummels, strange man and shark porn expert, “Two weeks later, ‘Byte’ was conceived.”

In the initial test stages, the researchers created their own profiles to test the sexual tendencies of the world’s favorite water predators. Of course, because they are human, they disguised their profiles to look like sharks.

Quickly, the researchers began to notice a response unlike any they had ever seen. Overwhelmingly, the sharks who paid the $5.99 monthly fee for the service responded more positively to the profiles of humans on surfboards than to other sharks themselves.

This tendency was true of all shark species regardless of sexual orientation — and it had some unlikely consequences.

Matthew Warbles is the president of Hammerhead, a society that promotes human-shark relationships.

“We’re just happy somebody finally made an app for this,” said Warbles, who spends most of his time in an armchair, “We’ve been writing letters about this for years.”

‘Byte’ is now #5 on the App Store.

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