Bluetooth Speaker Not Waterproof, Very Angry Man Finds

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – Local beach personality Brayden Thump was left stunned and enraged Wednesday morning after nonchalantly tossing his brand new Bluetooth speaker to its watery demise.

Thump, a longtime Vineyard vacationer, had just paired his phone to the JBL Flip 3 speaker that he bought yesterday. After attempting to inaugurate his dad’s new Yacht with Post Malone’s “Rockstar” to no avail, Thump tried to throw the speaker to Geoff Sarpe, 19, on a nearby Wave runner.

“It really looked like it would float,” a beet-red Thump told Gatekeeper reporters as his throw came up short and his speaker sank to the bottom of the ocean. “Should I dive after it?”

As Thump spoke, the speaker made a feeble buzzing sound and then completely disintegrated.

“I can’t believe this shit,” Thumper fumed. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t listen to Geoff talk about his banking internship anymore. Fuck.”

Although Thump initially threw the speaker, the blame was immediately shifted towards Sarpe.

“You’re gonna have to tell my dad,” Thump told Sarpe. “He’s gonna be pissed. You know how much he loves listening to Bonnie Rait on this Yacht.”

Although he doesn’t get to the vineyard until Thursday, experts are predicting that Thump’s father, Quentin, is going to “absolutely murder” Sarpe upon arrival.

More to come.

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