Fortune Cookie Weirdly Anti-Masturbation

By David Colton

DAN’S HOUSE OF NOODLES — It had already been a long day for Rachel Durkman.

Her phone didn’t charge last night; she got an emergency phone call on the quiet car of the train; she dropped her coffee in the street and destroyed her reusable mug — all before she even got to the office.

Now, six hours later, she’s finally getting a late lunch, and where else but Dan’s House of Noodles, a staple of the “foreign food” community among upper-middle-class white people.

“I was just sitting there finishing my Pad Thai with no soy sauce, and the waiter came and dropped off some fortune cookies,” said Rachel Durkman, who believes that eating the piece of paper will make it come true, “I was ready to be taken on a spiritual journey.”

Of course, what Rachel didn’t know is that the fortune cookie she received would actually force her to take action.

“It was immediately clear the fortune directly referenced self-gratification via hand,” said Randy Dangler, who was not even in the restaurant at the time Rachel opened the cookie. “I’ve seen it a thousand times.”

It appears Dangler was right after all. Gatekeeper reporters were able to obtain exclusive transcripts of the fortune cookie packagers discussing plans to eliminate masturbation.

EMPLOYEE #1: I wish we had more power over these fortunes, man.

EMPLOYEE #2: I know. I feel completely restrained and creatively unfulfilled here.

EMPLOYEE #1: Dude.

EMPLOYEE #2: Yeah?

EMPLOYEE #1: I just had a genius idea. What if… okay, hear me out. What if we tried to create a worldwide catastrophe. That way we could both get out of here without having to tell our parents we quit.

EMPLOYEE #2: Oh shit, you mean like the plague?

EMPLOYEE #1: Kind of. But probably one that less people will die from.

EMPLOYEE #2: What if we convinced people to stop jerking it so much? My bandwidth here gets so slow because of Terry and Susan.

EMPLOYEE #1: Yes! That’s perfect. We need to convince people that this is what’s going to happen. And what do people trust more than the media?

EMPLOYEE #2: Fortune cookies..? EMPLOYEE #1: Motherfuckin’ fortune cookies.

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