Fortune Cookie Weirdly Anti-Masturbation

By David Colton

DAN’S HOUSE OF NOODLES — It had already been a long day for Rachel Durkman.

Her phone didn’t charge last night; she got an emergency phone call on the quiet car of the train; she dropped her coffee in the street and destroyed her reusable mug — all before she even got to the office.

Now, six hours later, she’s finally getting a late lunch, and where else but Dan’s House of Noodles, a staple of the “foreign food” community among upper-middle-class white people.

“I was just sitting there finishing my Pad Thai with no soy sauce, and the waiter came and dropped off some fortune cookies,” said Rachel Durkman, who believes that eating the piece of paper will make it come true, “I was ready to be taken on a spiritual journey.”

Of course, what Rachel didn’t know is that the fortune cookie she received would actually force her to take action.

“It was immediately clear the fortune directly referenced self-gratification via hand,” said Randy Dangler, who was not even in the restaurant at the time Rachel opened the cookie. “I’ve seen it a thousand times.”

It appears Dangler was right after all. Gatekeeper reporters were able to obtain exclusive transcripts of the fortune cookie packagers discussing plans to eliminate masturbation.

EMPLOYEE #1: I wish we had more power over these fortunes, man.

EMPLOYEE #2: I know. I feel completely restrained and creatively unfulfilled here.

EMPLOYEE #1: Dude.

EMPLOYEE #2: Yeah?

EMPLOYEE #1: I just had a genius idea. What if… okay, hear me out. What if we tried to create a worldwide catastrophe. That way we could both get out of here without having to tell our parents we quit.

EMPLOYEE #2: Oh shit, you mean like the plague?

EMPLOYEE #1: Kind of. But probably one that less people will die from.

EMPLOYEE #2: What if we convinced people to stop jerking it so much? My bandwidth here gets so slow because of Terry and Susan.

EMPLOYEE #1: Yes! That’s perfect. We need to convince people that this is what’s going to happen. And what do people trust more than the media?

EMPLOYEE #2: Fortune cookies..? EMPLOYEE #1: Motherfuckin’ fortune cookies.

Study Finds Buffet Eggs 80% Water

By Mo Macsai-Goren

EMBASSY SUITES AT OMAHA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – Shocking even the most seasoned continental breakfast veterans, a new study published late Friday by the American Breakfast Association in conjunction with the United Nations’ Buffet Coalition has revealed that the average serving of eggs from any given buffet contains no less than 80% stinky, cloudy water.

The report surveyed nine thousand breakfast buffets across the nation over 3 years in an effort to once and for all quantify the exact proportion of rubbery, somehow sour eggs to the milky shell consommé that had eluded researchers for so long.

“We tried to do this study back in the late nineties, but the technology just hadn’t caught up,” researcher Gordon Phulp told Gatekeeper reporters. “It finally came to fruition after our lab invented a process that allowed us to safely handle these buffet eggs without gagging just a little bit.”

Although most were pleased with this new knowledge, a small group of particularly vocal buffet egg enthusiasts have refused to accept the results of the study as a valid representation of their experiences.

“The whole thing is completely wrong,” buffet aficionado Gerald Peece said.” I asked for eggs at an Embassy Suites by the airport and I got three pieces of scrambled eggs floating in a nightmare broth that smelled like a sulfur flavored La Croix.”

Environmental activists have since mobilized in order to educate the public on the wasteful practices brought to light by the report. Groups like “Green Eggs and Harm” and “Eggvironment” have taken to the streets to provide the public with alternative uses for leftover egg water to ensure it does not go to waste.

“A lot of people don’t know that egg water is incredibly nutrient-dense” Egg activist Iris Plormps lied. “Instead of throwing that water out, we could be baptizing children or supplying water for the community pool. It sickens me to see so many perfectly good resources go to waste.”

Since being released to the public late Friday afternoon, Embassy Suites stock has dropped 8%.

Celery Wins 8th Consecutive Title for Least Interesting Food

By David Colton

INDIANA, USA – After months of deliberation between judges, the Vegetable Advocate Group announced Thursday that the 2019 title for least interesting food would be retained by Celery, who came out on top of a narrow race with water (ice form).

Celery representatives were thrilled to receive the honor for the eighth consecutive year, celebrating with a little ranch and maybe even some cheese whiz.

“We’re beyond honored,” said celery advocate Lint Lemming, “people are finally starting to understand that when you eat celery, you’re actually losing calories!”

Water (ice form) representatives could not be reached following the tight race, which was championed in the closing moments by celery when people realized that it really wasn’t even that good with ranch.

Water (ice form), on the other hand, goes stunningly with almost any beverage, and its only selling point in this competition was that it sort of ruins milk.

This competition was televised on the hotel menu screen of several Drury Inn & Suites across the Midwest, and received the highest ratings it has since the great tomato discrepancy of 1988.